How Can Hormones be So Cruel? (And so Fickle?)

So, here I am, wanting so desperately to lose this weight so my happy life can be so much the more enjoyable with better health, better looks, more energy, better a lot of things, and yet... Sometimes, at this pre-period part of the month, I COULD CARE LESS. Like now, like the last few days. How can I want something so badly and not give a rip about it simultaneously? How is that even possible? Granted, I've been sick this week, too, which makes the urge to want to be sedentary and eat every comforting and yummy thing I can lay a hand on all the worse, but it really is unfair. And no, I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, per se, but I am feeling defeated at the moment. It's not even that I'm using the excuse that I feel it is out of my control, rather it's like my emotions truly change. Sure, I'm tired of feeling so sluggish all the time, knowing that essentially I'm lugging around 1.5 of my kid in my everyday activities, sure I am almost to the point of tears some mornings trying to put together a flattering outfit, when 80% of the clothes in my closet don't fit and most of the ones that do don't quite hide the not-as-subtle as they used to be muffin-top rolls around my middle, and sure, I have legitimate health issues to be concerned about that might be magically cured or at least dramatically improved if I changed my ways, but... Even in the face of all that positive benefit, having highly desirable concrete goals, and most of the time a seemingly strong interest in succeeding, hormones or whatever still make me feel for several days at a time that I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT care. That sucks, and it makes me mad. Mad enough to fight it and get over it? Unfortunately, I'm not sure yet.

Later update: I wrote this post in the morning. By 6:00 pm I felt totally different and like I was back in control of my true interest in fixing things. Dangit!

Lemme 'Splain. No Wait, No Time, Lemme Sum Up:

In a few words: FANTASTIC whirlwind week of interviewing well and being very quickly promoted at work, into birthday celebrating weekend, into snowy actual birthday with a great hockey game (me scoring two goals) capping it off, to feeling tired and fighting something off all week, letting my house get to be messy, and then having a big wedding client interview last night. Phew, it's the weekend again!

I am VERY pleased to be learning that a few people who know me have been reading this blog here and there, that makes me feel more accountable, which was the whole point of airing my situation to the world. And I'm beside myself with anticipation for this weekend which includes summery weather and the daylight switch, making weekday evenings outdoors a sooner reality.

I haven't moved from the 198 I reached a bit ago, but luckily I haven't gone the other way, either. I'm returning to more frequent posts and counting WW Points, stat! (And continuing to run, which has been going well, and wanting to start back swimming, and needing to get my bike tuned up...)

Awesome Weekend-

My weekend workouts were awesome. Ran a lot and walked a little Saturday, lifted weights and ran some more Sunday. And celebrated my birthday eve. Ate more than I should have, but after a little more celebrating tomorrow I'll be back on track. Feeling good!

I can run a mile!

Last night, not only did I manage to finish out the day under points, despite the mini setback I had with the cookies, I also went to the gym. Yes, I'm completely serious! I have not been to my gym in months- we joined in August, and I went a few times in September and even fewer times in October. I'm pretty sure that's it. I want to start going 2-3 x a week, mostly for weight training, as well as spinning. Plus it is a good place to go if I'm dying to run or bike but the weather is a no-go.



Anyway, I couldn't lift weights last night because I am still resting up my sore shoulders for tonight's pole class, so I went with cardio instead. I have been ever-so-gradually building some jogging intervals into my walks around the neighborhood, and I have been able to string together some longer distances, although I haven't been measuring them consistently (a FANTASTIC site for tracking workout distances is http://www.mapmyrun.com which I am going to start using in my training program for the tri.) So, for a solid cardio workout, I started on the elliptical trainer (similar to my uphill trek in the first half of my outdoor walk/runs.) I did 30 minutes, on the "fat burn" setting which aims for 65% of your maximum heart rate (I was planning to do the "cardio" setting which is 80% but it seemed more tiring and I didn't want to overdo it on my first shot.) I exceeded the recommended for the most part, though, with an average HR of 126-7 throughout (was supposed to be at 119) and averaged a speed of about 4.5ish. It claims I went 2.18 miles and burned 300 calories.



Then I got on the treadmill for the running portion. A lot of my starting up has been running on slight downhill and on the flat, so I started flat for this time. I thought I could go 15 min. without stopping as I did one other time recently, but I wasn't sure if it'd be different than outside and again, wanted to start small, set myself up for success. Bottom line? I did it, and I was SO proud of myself! Now here's the funny thing- I ran a whole mile (1.1, actually)!!! And I ran for 15 whole minutes straight, on a 4.1 setting (burning 98 more calories,) and felt well worked out but not dying exhausted. I could have either kept going or gone faster, if I had to! Those are both awesome, exciting progress achievements! But the funny part is, saying it took me almost 15 minutes to run a mile sounds laughable. but I don't care, it was sweet.



Lessons from the gym for next time- sound for the tv would be nice, I need to remember my headphones. A lock for my stuff would be nice, I need to remember my lock. The cardio machines are equipped to read a Heart Rate Monitor so you don't have to hold on if you don't want to, I have to dig that up, too. The crowd size was pleasant at 8:45pm, and I didn't miss any time with my pumpkin, plus still had a bit of time and energy left to spare to watch a show with my sweetie when I got back. And the childcare is free now, so although I won't have any use for the pass I bought, I won't have to buy anymore if I do take him on a weekend (which I should, because he enjoys the toys they have there.) Excuses all gone!

Deciding to Remain Committed EVERY DAY is going to be a challenge...

Yesterday was Monday, and I like to start things on Mondays, so I decided to give the whole Points counting thing a go again. Did well, felt good. At one point during the afternoon, though, I strongly felt the pull to want to eat junk food, and I had to choose not to. That wasn't too tough, because my resolve was still fresh.

Today I've been feeling good about how I did yesterday, and feeding off that positive energy was continuing to do well. Then, about 1:00 however, I had the same junk food urge, only this time I acted on it. Hesitantly, mind you, but I didn't say no, and I didn't select something easy to only want in moderation. Result? I ate what the bag is calling 3 servings of those mini (VANILLA, not chocolate) Oreos, before realizing that was not what I wanted to be doing, and that it would take the good feelings away and make me feel sluggish and icky (and fat.) In a fit of redemption I opened up the bag and dumped them loose into my desk trash can before I could have a second thought about it. Damage? 9 Points, and since I've been doing fairly well otherwise and have a light dinner of grilled chicken breast planned, I'll be fine. Still, though, 9 points worth of healthy food can be rather filling and satisfying, and those definitely weren't.

Is every day going to be like that? Am I going to have that urge to eat junk so strongly EVERY day, and have to make the tough, right choice EVERY day? Sounds exhausting! Now I don't mean to sound negative, because that's not how I'm feeling, actually. Quite the opposite, I'm having a relatively constructive and interesting day at work, and I'm looking for an evening at home with my big and little sweeties. I just hope I am up to the daily challenge of fending off such ingrained, terrible habits long enough to make them less frequent and less compelling. I think with only 9 Points damage I'll call this one a tie. That makes my record since Monday 1-0-1. :)

Locked and Loaded (Registered And Committed!)

I am now registered for a sprint triathlon in August. Excuses can be NONE, because:
a) it is in MY OWN NEIGHBORHOOD, so the training will be in and around the actual route, near home, which is a huge advantage and comfort factor;
b) it is a sprint distance, and I have survived a full Olympic distance with inadequate training;
c) the registration is expensive and non-refundable, and if I waste it I will be killed (because it wouldn't be the first time and we can't afford to waste a dime,) and
d) I've actually been running some, and it feels good!
Not 5K yet, mind you, but the running stretches are getting longer, with fewer and shorter rests. I was so pleased with myself after Saturday's walk/run workout, and I know I can continue to step it up to where I can run a full 3 miles.

Now, the other two components are the swim and the run. Back when I did the Oly in Reston (which was my first- no easing into it for me-) I thought the swim portion would be the hardest to train for, because it was what I had the least experience in, and seemed the hardest. As it turns out, I trained my way into being able to swim a mile (back then) no sweat, and it was the bike that kicked my a$$. The sprint tri only has a 400 meter swim, which is about a quarter of a mile. As long as I start getting my butt to the pool on a semi-regular basis soon, that'll be no sweat. And the bike? Well, I hate long solo bike training, I much prefer to tool around my neighborhood. Well, guess what? THIS ONE IS IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, so I will be able to tool around on the course, and see how it feels and work my way faster. How awesome is that?!

Needless to say, I am pretty stoked. And I have already noted that, as my friend pointed out, it would be a whole lot easier to do a triathlon if I wasn't carrying around almost two of my son on my back (who weighs 32 pounds.) Hopefully the training will propel me into better eating, now that I have eliminated the chocolate monkey! I am all psyched about it. :)

Just in the Nick of Time!

Girl Scout Cookies were delivered at my office today, and apparently in a moment of weakness a while back I had ordered some. Fortunately for me, the chocolate ban came JUST IN TIME to avoid the Samoas. And let me tell you, I would down a whole box of those babies in half a day with no problem, left to my own devices. So, I paid for them, and promptly put them out for everybody else in the office. Case closed.

This morning I felt soooo much better than I have been, and I attribute it in part to the chocolate ban. Just since Sunday, without re-instating Weight Watchers yet, I was down a pound, just from NOT stuffing my face with chocolate all day. I just felt less puffy somehow. It's going to take a lot more than that to actually lose significant weight and get thinner/stronger, but it was a great first step in the ongoing saga of the "ever-hopeful-but-never-yet-dedicated-enough" dieter that I have been.

Psyched for my "dance" class tonight! ;)