Family Contentment

So, often I've talked (and talked, and talked, and talked!) with various friends over the last 2-3 years about the issue of my contentment with our family size. To summarize, the husband and I always wanted more than one child, yet upon having our sweet boy and the ensuing wild ride that followed, based on the challenging pregnancy and tough baby that he was, the age of ourselves that we waited until to become parents, the toll it took on us for the first couple of years, the age and physical condition I am in now, and the financial balance we currently have, we have decided (and repeatedly confirmed) to ourselves that we are keeping with our one sweetie, and that our family is complete at three. Now that decision has not come simply and without emotional struggle, mind you. It is the absolute societal norm to have two, and in our area it trends more to three. Hubby grew up with a brother, and he always expected he'd want two or three of his own (I joked with him early on that the only way he'd get three kids from me was if the second baby was twins.) I grew up an only child, and although I loved it and feel well adjusted due to fantastic parents, I do wish at times that I had adult siblings in my life, and I definitely had always planned to have two kids.  


Nevertheless, it has been extremely clear to both of us for a couple of years now that this is it for us, and we are confident that it is the only decision that is right for us. Naturally there is a little bit of emotional "loss" to be felt in changing one's life plans that way, and we've shared with each other that nagging feeling on more than one occasion. It doesn't change our resolve, but it does hurt just a tiny bit. I get pangs from time to time when being reminded that few kids his age are without younger (or older) siblings, when people ask if we are going to have another, as all of our friends were having their seconds a couple of years ago, and as I see pregnant mommys holding their little one's hands. 


Well, I think that my way of dealing with it had been to talk about it. A LOT. With various friends, but especially with one or two in particular. I think at times I brought it up so much that I confused the hell out of my friends and made it seem like I might change my mind or that I was looking for some sort of validation. But I'm discovering that phase was and is just part of a gradual process of mourning the idea of a larger family. Just two weeks ago we were asked the question point blank by a doctor, and confirmed aloud to her our decision to stop at one. Which triggered he and I talking about it again, later, further confirming it. And that night I took a big step forward in acceptance, as I randomly started sobbing about it, right in the middle of something totally unrelated. It was a good, hard, releasing cry, and a positive step forward for me in acceptance of what I know we need. Yet another step just happened today- It just came to me this morning and I'm very excited about this one. You know those cartoony family stickers everyone has on their cars, the stick figure characters showing the happy combo of kids/pets in the family? Well, I've always adored those, yet always been a tiny bit saddened by them, too, because I thought it would look kind of strange with the two parent figures and one lone kid, looking somehow unfinished and not even to be capped off by a cat or dog due to my allergies. Well, I finally figured it out, and I just ordered my stickers, which I will now be able to post happily in the window with a clear statement about our family. The sweet, happy little boy sticker will be flanked by two smiling parent stickers, one on each side. Looking clearly finished and self contained, in a happy threesome. :)

39 to Happiest in 365

This winter sucked ass.  There's just no other good way to put it.  The weather and my family's collective health has taken a substantial toll on me, and I am beyond overjoyed to be kicking February to the curb.  With that comes March, and with that comes by birthday, the one before the one that's been bugging me.  39.  I have one year of important achievements ahead of me, because I can't bear the thought of turning 40 with so much that I'd like to improve upon in my life, most of which being completely within my control.  Top of the list is the ever-present elephant in this blog, my desired weight loss, but it's so much more than that.  It's taking better care of myself, and having better regard for what I put in my body.  It's having the discipline to be better organized and prepared for and during daily life.  It's having more energy and being a more patient parent.  I'm down to one year to improve upon those things before the big 4-0, and I feel like one large step toward keeping these things at the top of my priority list this year would be to take daily steps in that direction and discuss my progress once or more a day.  I'd like this 365 day self-improvement project to succeed, and I'd like to share my experience, and the outcome, with anyone who's interested.  I'm debating whether to separate it from this very personal blog and advertising it more widely to general readers, or just to plod along with the one I've already got set up and make my entries here.  Whatever I decide I'll let you know.

The Snowpocalypse

I realize I've been complaining a lot lately, but I simply can't help it at this point.  Just as I am starting to recover some energy from the eternal cold, eager to get back on the working out horse, we get the snowpocalypse of 2010.  Might be the biggest snowstorm in this area, on record, ever.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful for something so interesting, pretty, and potentially fun, but I have no further interest in being trapped in winter hell.  Over it!

Groundhog Day

As endearing as a national tradition surrounding a big cuddly-looking groundhog may be, that little rat correctly predicts more crappy winter to come every single year, and it kind of annoys me a little. I am 38 years old (for another month, anyway), and I think we’ve only had an unusually milder winter resulting in his prediction of an early spring once in my lifetime. I hate winter. I hate dark, I hate cold, and although in theory snow is pretty and fun, in reality it upsets the fragile balance of my work/daycare schedule and makes the roads dangerous if you’re forced to be out on them. Since I don’t get the time and freedom to go sledding anymore, no thanks, I’d rather be without it. Of course, I do love a few moments of wonder outside in it with my sweet boy, but he’s pretty quick to enjoy it, get too cold, and want to go right back inside.


Bill Murray’s rendition of Groundhog Day made me a laugh a lot in college, but sadly is indicative of how I’ve been feeling about myself and my life lately. It’s kind of a circular treadmill. If I could just get my sh*t together, I could accomplish so much more. Take better care of myself and my health, lose the weight, be a better parent and wife, etc. But instead every day I wake up much like Bill Murray did, stuck in the same day, irrespective of what improvements I had planned on the previous day. Tired, unprepared, flustered, late. Leading me to eat poorly, feel tired, struggle with patience at home and work, not feel like exercising, etc. Oh, and did I mention I’m sick? On my 9th day of a miserable cold, and I have a sick kid and husband too. Wheeeeeee!

Exhausted, Wish I had a Wife

You may laugh, but after our son was born my husband and I joked about taking in another wife. We were so overwhelmed, we weren’t entirely joking. We talked about someone that would care for the kid while we caught up on sleep, clean up the house, cook us dinner, etc. Now that he’s four-and-a-half we don’t so much need help getting enough sleep, but I’m feeling the pinch lately of being at work full time, in a job that just started getting a little busier, wanting to have enough time to be a mom, especially since the newly non-napper needs to go to bed even earlier, having a side business with new clients, having a modest social life and personal activities, keeping the household going, and God help me now doing all the stuff that has to happen in December! I am the one who puts together the gifts for the school teachers, for the cleaning lady, needs to bake stuff for both of those, gets the decorations in and out of our “jenga”-style overstuffed decorations closet, making or buying the Christmas cards including updating addresses, thinking of, buying, and wrapping pretty much all gifts except my own, and generally taking care of most of the stuff that needs to be taken care of.

I feel exhausted just thinking about it!

Maybe it’s time to revisit that second wife idea. Any takers?

Things to be Thankful for:

30 Things I’m Thankful for in 2009

I’ve been feeling a bit stressed and overwhelmed in my life lately. Work is not a problem in itself, but having a busy full time workload to try to focus on mixed with raising a four-year old who is going through the typical (but exhausting) changes of amazing explosive learning and striving for independence that turns into exasperating (and sometimes heart-breaking) episodes of defiance leaves my life nothing short of a train wreck. I literally feel like I’m walking on eggshells emotionally at times, and I’m usually tired on some level regardless of how much sleep I get. Losing daylight to the time change doesn’t help, either. Getting the home organization front back under control is helping a little, but I think I need a little extra boost.

To counter the cycle of negativity, as we head into the holiday season which is kicked off by my very FAVORITE day of the year next week (!!!), I am going to follow the trend I’m seeing from other friends online in listing out some of the things I’m thankful for. A number of people have been posting one thing a day for the month of November. I don’t have that kind of focus to post one each day, but how about if I list a month’s worth all at once? That seems like a lot, but despite the problems I have both externally driven and generated from within, I do have a number of people and relationships I value very deeply, and a comfortable life to be grateful for. I’m going to call them out here!

1. My husband. I am exceptionally grateful to have met, be sharing a life with, and be raising a child with such a wonderful man. He shares many of my views on life, enjoys some of my same interests, indulges my sense of humor, and even shares a lot of my aesthetic preferences. He is a kind person with a warm smile who I love to be with. He works hard, values his family, and makes me very happy. I am lucky enough to have had him wait for me to enter his life and be willing to give up his adorable kitties and some food freedoms to keep me in his life. As he told a cab driver in Vegas, we are soulmates.

2. My son. The birth of my son, OUR son, is the single greatest joy that I have ever experienced. He is the light of my life, and was worth every single second of hardship during pregnancy and the early days. He is a beautiful, precious person that my husband and I still marvel about having created, and he charms us daily and everybody he meets.

3-4. My parents. I am extremely lucky to have two unbelievably amazing parents who provide unlimited help and support, love, and have always been there for me. It is a credit to them for raising me to believe in the inherent goodness of people and the importance of doing the right thing. They have worked hard to achieve the things they have and have always set an outstanding example by being amazing people outside of their role as parents and now grandparents. It is a bonus that I never take for granted to have them living nearby and be actively involved in our lives.

5. My aunt and uncle. I have a number of relatives who I value, but in particular I do have one aunt and uncle who are a bigger part of our lives, and I am grateful for them. We get together several times throughout the year, and they are a pleasure to hang out with, very thoughtful, fun, and love our boy as though he were their own. I wish we saw them even more, but I am glad we work to keep it frequent.

6. My grandparents. I was blessed with some amazing grandparents. My mom’s dad died when I was very young, but he served his country proudly and set an excellent example for my mother to become the amazing person she is. My Grammy (mom’s mom) was a true pioneer and an amazing lady. She played sports young and continued to love them later, served as a nurse in the military during wartime, raised a large family partially alone after my grandfather died (my mom was the oldest), and was just an all around impressive person with a passion for life and her family. I am grateful she was able to be with us long enough to see me marry my honey. Likewise, my Grandpop (dad’s dad) also served his country in several wars, and then went on to pursue other fascinating interests like flying and sailing. My Grandmom (dad’s mom) is the only grandparent I still have around, and although her mind is starting to fail her a little, she is a sweet lady with a warm heart.

7. My extended family. I have loads of other family members who, although I don’t see very often, have a place in my heart and left a positive impression on me growing up. My mom is the oldest of six, and mixed with several spouses and kids I fondly remember huge chaotic Thanksgiving gatherings, summers with my aunt, uncle, and cousins, and occasional visits to my mom’s aunts/uncles/cousins up further north. I have reconnected with some through Facebook, and miss them all.

8. My mother-in-law. I think the cliché about nobody getting along with their mother-in-law is sad, and I’m glad it doesn’t apply to me. My mother-in-law is sweet, wonderful, and awesome. I wish we got to spend more time with her, and look forward to her upcoming visit.

9. My “second” mom. Not everybody is lucky enough to have a second mother growing up, but I did. As my mom was a trailblazer in the world of working moms, I had a second one to watch me before and after school, and a whole family to fill in until mine got home. She is missed by all of her family will always hold a special place in my heart.

10. God. I am not outwardly religious, but I was raised catholic, and I do believe firmly in God. That being said, I am grateful to God for being so tolerant of me, and filling my life with happiness despite my lack of dedication to visiting him anywhere other than in my own head more than once or twice a year.

11. The United States of America. I am grateful to happen to be born in this great country. It is not perfect, but I feel very lucky and I am a proud patriot. ‘Nuff said.

12-15. Four dear girlfriends. I consider myself very lucky to have four close friends, each met at different times in my life, with whom I frequently talk, regularly get together, and can bear my heart to and let it all hang out with. One is a college sorority sister who no longer lives in the area but who is never far from my heart and life. One I met shortly after getting married through her now husband; with them we share a lot of common interests and our kids are now sandwiched in age. Another I met through my son, she is more like me than anyone I’ve ever met and became a dear friend in a short period of time. Last but not least is my “newest” close friend, who I met through my husband’s work, and we found ourselves instantly compatible. I would be happy to spend any of my time with each of these awesome ladies, and I am grateful to have them in my life.

16. Other good friends. I do have a lot of other worthy friends to be grateful for. Some are the boys associated with the ladies listed above. Some are friends from my husband’s office. Other college, high school, and childhood friends are in the mix, too. All are worth knowing and hanging out with.

17. My husband’s company. He is lucky enough to work for a great company, which is small enough to be a close-knit group of people, but big enough to keep going through the tough times, and it has always been there for us. He has grown into his career there and it keeps him on his toes but also gives him fulfillment.

18. Fairfax County, Virginia. It was a great place to grow up, and it is a great place to work. I’ve grown and flourished in my career there, and they provide well.

19. The nursing staff and one NICU doctor at Fairfax Hospital. While listed above as the greatest joy ever, the birth of our son and the couple weeks after were also some of the most stressful and difficult times I’ve ever felt. There were some amazing staff who attended to me as well as to our son during his time there who surely had wings tucked under their scrubs. And to one doctor who spent an entire afternoon studying our boy’s confusing chart to make some sense of his health to give us some much-needed answers I will always be thankful.

20. Our son’s school. I am grateful to have our son enrolled in a preschool/care program with warm, talented, and trustworthy teachers and staff, and which has a healthy, pleasant environment and a beneficial curriculum.

21. Our home. Our home is modest, but I am grateful for its shelter, security, and its housing of us, our things, and our good times and memories created here.

22. Our neighborhood. I am grateful that our home is located in a neighborhood filled with nature trails, wildlife, and beautiful scenery. I am also thankful for the wonderful amenities we have such as 3 pools, numerous playgrounds, easy access to shopping, and a duck pond filled with fish and turtles.

23. My education. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to get a higher education, so that I may pursue my chosen career, but also so that I am able to think and learn independently.

24. My health. Although I have a myriad of “issues” as anyone does, I am grateful to have my general health. No terminal diseases, no physical disabilities, and I have use of all my senses.

25. My mental health. This one is arguable at times, but I am grateful for a clear and productive mind.

26. My eyes. Already mentioned the senses above, but I am particularly grateful to have clear unassisted vision, and with some decent looking eyes to peer out of.

27. My business. I am happy that I have accomplished starting a business for myself, and whatever level it remains at in my life I will always feel that pride.

28. Hobbies and interests to be passionate about. I am grateful to have a lot of things that I like to do and that make me tick, and others waiting in the wings for when there are more than 24 hours in a day. Some are physical, like ice hockey, pole dancing, and running/triathlon, others are more creative, like scrapbooking and photography, still others more passive like reading.

29. My parent’s beach house. I am grateful that my parents have the means to own a home at the beach where I spent summer vacations growing up that is easy to get to and often available for a getaway. My son shares my passion for the beach and I am grateful he has access to this beloved resource.

30. The internet. Gore really came through on that one, ha! J Seriously, though, the internet has only been a reality in my life since post college, and it has changed and improved my life and the world in so many ways it is easy to forget. After this many years I am still constantly impressed by new things I learn it can be useful for.

What are you thankful for?

All Over the Place

That's where me and my head are at. Had a nice, relaxed weekend, with few obligations. Got the house partly back in order. Ate better. Recognized some ways to fend off the eating trigger feelings, and convinced myself I am done buying Chips Ahoy. Exercised out in the sun and fresh air both days. Got a fair amount of thinking done during those walk-jogs. Have decided that in the future, my discussions about my successes/failures with food and exercise will focus on what I have DONE in a particular day or week, and not just blathering on about what I want or claim to want to do. Having lofty aspirations and concrete deadlines didn't seem to do me any good before.

On the reading front, I read a very, VERY light book as a palate cleanser before tackling Dracula. Because, yes, although I'd punch anyone in the face that called me a Twi-hard, after 2500 pages of the Twilight saga, I admit I felt kind of involved in the story and the characters, and it is a letdown to be done with it. I do agree with my critics that the writing is not particularly stellar (and perhaps got even less so after the first one), but it was hard to argue with the plot, I was riveted. I do want to see the movie(s), but I am quite certain that the visual in my head will look comparably dumb onscreen, especially since I hear the acting is as poor as one would expect from a bunch of rookie teenagers. I made the mistake of trying to read the academic analysis of Dracula first, instead of just skipping past and starting the story, and it was boring as hell. Don't get me wrong, I am as academically capable as I ever was, that's just not what I'm in it for at this point in my life. A little entertaining escape is what I seek in my reading, please.

Wish I could focus myself a little better, though, in general. I am having a bit of an attack of the all or nothings, and I wish I could do it all- FINISH getting the house in order down to every last detail, start again and catch up to now in my scrapbook once and for all, throw myself more fully into exercise, etc. But, I am finding those thoughts to be way too much, and distracting from other important things such as work. The real work, the one that pays the bills. It has picked up suddenly, and left me behind a little. So, the moral of this weekend, is, that doing a decent amount in several areas is healthy, and I can't let my brain rage out of control pining for perfection that doesn't fit into the clock. A holiday Wednesday might allow me a little more house progress, must focus again more fully at the 'ole job tomorrow.

And sometime soon, my demon 4-going-on-16 behaving child will return to the sweet self he usually is and stop sucking the life out of us. :)