Since Sunday of Mother's Day, I do feel like I've been doing better. On Monday I didn't get in a formal workout, but I did so many loads of laundry and tidied up and carried so many things up and down the stairs between our three levels that by the end of the evening I felt like I had worked out, in my back, my arms, and my legs (two birds with one stone!) Tuesday afternoon I took a fantastic long brisk walk up hills with my husband and our son in the stroller, and enjoyed the beautiful outdoors together. (Again, two birds with one stone- family relaxing/bonding and a workout.) We ended with healthy food from Subway for dinner.
Last night was my usual Wednesday night pole dance class, and it was a tough one! Last week she gave us a break and taught us a chair routine, which is fun but not nearly as taxing. Last night all of a sudden she wants us to start doing a lot of the spins we've learned with one arm instead of two. (Half these spins I am barely hanging on with two arms!!) Tonight we're planning another family walk, if it doesn't rain again here in lovely "East Coast Seattle" (I'm pondering ark designs at this point.) Tomorrow night I am going to use my new home pole to practice the routine for our Level 2 "graduation". (Thank goodness that doesn't really mean anything, or I'd be cooked!) So, although I am still hoping to do better to incorporate more exercise such as weightlifting and starting the swim portion of my tri training, I'm doing alright with keeping moving most days.
On the food front, I will say I'm doing better MOST days. Except for yesterday, when I went on a completely bingy eating bender, but I'm mostly back on track today, hopefully unscathed. I just went to the store and stocked up on stuff to keep here at work for healthy snacks, backup lunch options if I don't manage to pack any, and even some breakfast foods for those days I'm REALLY struggling to get to work on time! I've done that before, but the key is to actually use those supplies, and to keep them stocked, so I'm not tempted to go other less healthy ways in a pinch (which usually happens every single day, it seems.) Home has been well stocked with healthy stuff for a while, and based on how well my husband is doing, that's not been so much of my challenge, although I still do need to curb down the portions and snacking, even if it is on healthy foods, because they still have plenty of calories if you eat enough of them.
Friday night when I'm home and not busy, after the boy goes to bed, and after I practice my pole routine a bit, I am going to continue with the Bob Harper book and self analysis. I really think he had some good things to say about a thought process to go through to get your head in the right place for taking better care of yourself, and that weight loss can follow much more easily. Considering I've been trying to get my head in the right place since last August, it's worth a shot! Also, I think I can manage a quasi-daily blog entry if I do it the way I'm doing this one- write it early in the day, email it home to myself, and then post it in the evening, with annotations of any other thoughts/updates from the remainder of the day. I can't seem to make time in the morning at home and we're not allowed to blog at work, but by the time I get home I've often not felt like spending more than a couple of minutes on the computer. So, not enough time for a full written analysis, but it should be perfect for throwing in an already written post with an additional note or two!
Lastly, I'm a sad for my Caps. They got beaten by a slightly better team, but they played the series with so much heart and fight, it was a big, fat, undeserved bummer to have such a good season end on such a sucky blowout note. I was thrilled to see the fans cheering their heads off at the end anyway, though, 'cause those guys deserved it. Seeing that place bathed in a solid swath of red for so much of the regular season, and even moreso during the playoffs was awesome. Bandwagoners or not, I'm so pleased we finally have some budding hockey fans in this town!!! :)
(Added later-) So tonight it didn't rain (when it mattered), and instead of family walk, we got it together late so it became solo jog for me. Which is less social, but a much tougher workout. My legs felt like lead, but I pushed myself to jog without stopping, and I went 2.5 miles in 35 minutes. Not bad for brick legs! Finished it off with a healthier dinner than I would have normally chosen (chicken fajitas, minimal cheese/sour cream) at a nearby restaurant. All in all a good day!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
From Almost Despair to Some Peace, and a Better Outlook
Last weekend, it had already been raining for a week, but I was so busy both literally and mentally that I was fine with a lazy, inside kind of Sunday. By Tuesday, though, I truly thought I might lose mind and was feeling the despair of the weather that seemed to reflect the feelings within me. Most days it would seem to be clear enough all day to plan a post-work afternoon to tak a walk with the boy, but alas, it would spit in my face by raining just before leaving work, and continuing on and off for the evening. One such evening later in the week I sucked it up and ran anyway (sans boy, who won't tolerate the plastic rain covers for the stroller,) and felt better for it. All in all, I got in most of my planned exercise for the week, and also accomplished the bare minimum I needed to for work, the wedding biz, and the home life, but was still feeling kind of hollow and overwhelmed, and was eating accordingly. I got to the point Friday where, cookie in hand, I thought I really need to quit talking about these weight loss goals both publicly and among friends, because it is REALLY annoying to hear someone pine for something they're not even trying for. I even pondered pulling the plug on this blog because of the seeming ridiculousness of it all!
Enter the sun, Bob Harper, and Mother's Day, not necessarily in that order.
By way of background, I have a gazillion diet books, exercise books, self-help "understand the ways you (and other people) think" type of books, and yet here I sit, unfit, unfixed, and unable to control my impulses to eat destructively. I watch, love, and am always inspired by The Biggest Loser. After watching the penultimate episode of this season on Tuesday, I was left feeling awed of all the finalists have achieved, and yet also disgusted that I let another season of weekly inspiration go by without taking advantage of applying it to myself. (Recall earlier post when it kicked off...) Sometimes when trying to push myself for a good workout, I hear Jillian Michaels' voice in my head, daring me not to go as far or further than I had set my mind. I've always thought she was an amazing (albeit forceful) motivator, and I have several of her books. Yet, those, too, have not kicked me into gear, nor any of the Biggest Loser books. Anyway, in this episode, both trainers (Bob and Jillian) each take turns visiting the home of a father-son pair of finalists, who are also trying to help the younger brother who did not have the benefit of being on the show. First Jillian visited, and worked the kid out herself, talked to him, etc. What struck me, though, was the contrast in his reaction when Bob came to visit him, the tone of the workout (which was no less challenging, and in fact pushed him to the point of throwing up), and the talks they had. He reacted so much differently, and was so motivated by, Bob.
So, the other day I go to the bookstore to pick up Jillian's newest book, which deals with metabolism, and I see Bob Harper's book. I realize I don't have a metabolism problem, I have an I eat too much and don't take good care of myself problem, why would I possibly need yet another of her books that haven't done it for me? So I bought his instead.
Friday night I read the first section on fixing your head, and see what else his program entails, and I am surprised and a teeny bit hopeful that this may actually help me. Saturday was hectic, but Sunday morning I wake up, our mother's day schedule changes and I end up with time to take the boy on a walk jog for myself and him, and come back feeling great. So great that I have energy all day and feel compelled to enjoy nothing but healthy food, even at the restaurant.
I'm almost afraid to write it down because I feel like a RIDICULOUS broken record, but this might make a big difference in heading me down the right road. I enjoyed a day filled with family, fresh air, accomplishment in kicking off the patio garden for the season, ate nothing but wholesome food without craving anything else, and it felt wonderful.
Enter the sun, Bob Harper, and Mother's Day, not necessarily in that order.
By way of background, I have a gazillion diet books, exercise books, self-help "understand the ways you (and other people) think" type of books, and yet here I sit, unfit, unfixed, and unable to control my impulses to eat destructively. I watch, love, and am always inspired by The Biggest Loser. After watching the penultimate episode of this season on Tuesday, I was left feeling awed of all the finalists have achieved, and yet also disgusted that I let another season of weekly inspiration go by without taking advantage of applying it to myself. (Recall earlier post when it kicked off...) Sometimes when trying to push myself for a good workout, I hear Jillian Michaels' voice in my head, daring me not to go as far or further than I had set my mind. I've always thought she was an amazing (albeit forceful) motivator, and I have several of her books. Yet, those, too, have not kicked me into gear, nor any of the Biggest Loser books. Anyway, in this episode, both trainers (Bob and Jillian) each take turns visiting the home of a father-son pair of finalists, who are also trying to help the younger brother who did not have the benefit of being on the show. First Jillian visited, and worked the kid out herself, talked to him, etc. What struck me, though, was the contrast in his reaction when Bob came to visit him, the tone of the workout (which was no less challenging, and in fact pushed him to the point of throwing up), and the talks they had. He reacted so much differently, and was so motivated by, Bob.
So, the other day I go to the bookstore to pick up Jillian's newest book, which deals with metabolism, and I see Bob Harper's book. I realize I don't have a metabolism problem, I have an I eat too much and don't take good care of myself problem, why would I possibly need yet another of her books that haven't done it for me? So I bought his instead.
Friday night I read the first section on fixing your head, and see what else his program entails, and I am surprised and a teeny bit hopeful that this may actually help me. Saturday was hectic, but Sunday morning I wake up, our mother's day schedule changes and I end up with time to take the boy on a walk jog for myself and him, and come back feeling great. So great that I have energy all day and feel compelled to enjoy nothing but healthy food, even at the restaurant.
I'm almost afraid to write it down because I feel like a RIDICULOUS broken record, but this might make a big difference in heading me down the right road. I enjoyed a day filled with family, fresh air, accomplishment in kicking off the patio garden for the season, ate nothing but wholesome food without craving anything else, and it felt wonderful.
Monday, May 4, 2009
May 4, 2009
Current Weight: 195
Starting Weight: 200
(Highest Weight: 205)
Goal Weight, initial: 150
(Goal Weight, ultimate: 140)
Improvements Made:
I no longer eat chocolate.
I am starting (since yesterday, anyway) to drink more water throughout the day instead of diet soda, and skim milk (for more protein!) with meals.
My eating "slip-ups" end sooner and are less extreme.
I've taken up a new athletic activity, in addition to rekindling old ones.
It bothers me when I'm not getting to the gym often enough.
Some of my biggest "fat" clothes are too big.
I can run. And I like it.
I have more people than ever being supportive of me.
I am continuing to learn more about the way I think and feel, and ways to improve upon that as it relates to weight loss and life in general.
I have somewhat more energy.
Improvements Needed:
I need to focus on my goals every day and not let myself fall back into old habits and go on autopilot when things get too busy, which is often.
I need to have better dedication to myself. I make and break new "plans" every day/week.
Workouts need to be more frequent.
I need to WRITE DOWN MY FOOD in my journal. Period. I do it for a day or two here and there, but I always stop, and eventually return to eating whatever and however much. It'll never happen that way.
Reminders of why I want it/when I want it by:
August 9, 2009- Sprint Triathlon. Would be a major achievement to return to triathlon and actually perform instead of survive as in events past. Also need to be lighter and more fit to contend with August heat.
October 9-10, 2009- High School Reunion, 20 years. I would love to actually look even better than I did in high school (I was not slender and fit then, either) and not be self conscious of how I've "let myself go" further after this many years. It'd be great to socialize without knowing I'm being negatively analyzed. (I know I am the same way and definitely notice how other people look!)
October 17-21, 2009- VEGAS!!! I've talked before about how much it would mean to me to look fantastic and be able to dress like it. Enough said.
October 31, 2009- Halloween! As much as it is a weird reflection on society that the vast majority of women's Halloween costumes are suggestive in theme and style, I'd love to join in on the fun and wear one, too.
Toward the end of 2009- DivaFit graduation show- requires that I continue to become fit enough in the meantime to even GET to the point of graduating from Level 6, but I would love to learn all of those moves by the end of the year and then strut my stuff!!
Short term re-commitment:
Continue drinking more water.
Continue focusing on increasing protein and decreasing empty starches, increased produce.
Begin documenting Weight Watchers Points again and truly begin and stay on the program.
Take my "theoretical" workout schedule plans and make a real, monthly schedule that I work aggressively to stick to. Where something has to give, schedule a "make up".
Keep focus in part by using this blog as a sounding board and a reminder on a daily or semi-daily basis (as I've pledged to do before and not carried through on!)
Go, me!
Not Feeling Well- Too Much Pressure? (written April 23)
So, first of all, I'm thrilled to report that I bought a pole last night, so I can practice outside of my weekly class. It's removable, and I'm going to use it in the garage, so "the kid" doesn't have to know about it. Many moms in the class have said they have them in their house and leave it up, telling their kids it's a fireman's pole, so they think it's their plaything. I figure when those kids grow up to a certain point they might figure it out and be a little weirded out by that, so I'm choosing not to go there. Besides, not every person that ever visits or sees the inside of my house might be as open minded about the subject!
Anyway, I was all excited for class once I bought it, and had been looking forward to class all day. It was going well, but I was feeling a little bit lower energy than usual. Then toward the end of our routine practice, I started feeling a little oogy, then a little dizzy, then a lot dizzy and even a little nauseous. I had to stop, leave the room, head to the bathroom, I almost threw up but didn't, then after a few minutes and some water on my face I got a handle on it. I didn't do the floor work, and I was ok to drive, but still didn't feel quite right even after getting home. I thought it might be because I was trying to eat healthier and maybe just hadn't eaten enough, but eating didn't seem to help and all I wanted to do was go to bed, so I did. (And no, I'm not pregnant. No woman of childbearing age can have a discussion about not feeling well without that immediately coming up, but that definitely isn't it.)
Now today I do not feel dizzy anymore per se, but I feel very tired and a little off. After doing some thinking, and remembering I had felt a little dizzy for a couple of days about a month or so ago, too, not from anything related to the pole, I have a number of theories. (My husband's reaction was, of course you are dizzy, you were spinning around a pole! Of course, this did not happen in any of the other 12-13 classes I've taken, and it did not stop once I stopped spinning, so I'm hoping and assuming that isn't a direct cause.) And the last time it happened I read up about it, and apparently dizziness isn't cause for grave medical concern unless it accompanies various other symptoms that I don't have, or unless it persists longer than a few days, which last time it didn't and hopefully this time it won't either. My theories on possible reasons are as follows:
1) I generally do not get enough sleep. I have a terrible lack of discipline in this regard. It often catches up to me, and when it does I can be very physically miserable. Usually nausea more than anything else. A distinct possibility.
2) I'm not as consistent as I need to be with taking my medicines, which include among other things blood pressure medication. Now, I've been erratic with it before and not noticed any effects, but it is certainly plausible and a logical symptom of it not being where it should be according to medical books. No way for my doc to tell unless I monitor it for a while, which I really should (I have a home monitor.) I think I will, because if I do decide to talk to her about it it will make her very happy to have the needed info to judge the situation, obviously.
3) Less likely but also a possibility maybe with exercising and improving now I don't need the same medicine or as much? Usually that only happens when people really change and lose the weight, so again, not likely. Again, see above for monitoring, I definitely need to for about a week or so.
4) Underlying stresses. I'm one of those weird people that suffers from stress at indirect times from the actual event or issue. Under immediate pressure I perform well, but I definitely feel the effects at times of low-grade anxiety from things that are vaguely imminent. This was the case in the latter part of college for me. Right now I am starting wedding season, and I have 4 weddings coming up over the next month and a half. While I don't feel specifically stressed about any one aspect, I feel sort of overwhelmed by the big picture, as I booked all this when I wasn't working full time, and I think it is going to be a bit much to be comfortable.
Anyway, bottom line is I need to try to get more sleep, start monitoring my blood pressure for the next week or two, and after getting through my spring weddings, perhaps reassess how the business can continue to fit into my full time working schedule. And yes, I do think some of my goals in my last post are a bit too lofty, I think that if I can do some things better and take better care of myself too, that should suffice. :)
May 4 follow-up note:
I later figured out that it was probably my allergies bothering me, perhaps made more noticeable by the stress. I have a friend who gets very similar allergy symptoms as me, and she was telling me how she kept getting dizzy that same day while out on a walk- I hadn't taken my allergy meds, the pollen count was really high that day, and all the windows were open that night (which is unusual) in the studio. Anyway, the rest is still applicable, though...
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Person I Want To Be
So, a few days ago (now over a week ago) I composed this entry in my head while running, and then I never went back and typed it in. It faded in my mind for a day or two, but I started thinking about it again a few days ago and again today and realized I really want to capture these thoughts. I had a long, deep "think" with myself about weight loss, happiness, and my life in general, and I had a little bit of an epiphany in the process. Basically, for me the weight loss is not a freestanding issue, but rather an intertwined symptom of not living my life quite the way I want to. It's not just about eating more or less and working out or not. The bigger picture is that I'm not doing everything I want to in the way I want to in my life. I am not maintaining enough of a balance between "keeping up" and relaxing, or between taking care of everyone else's needs, and taking care of my own. The interesting thing, though, is that despite that being the case, I feel absolutely, incredibly, exceptionally happy with my life. A lot. Between the love of my dear husband, the amazing ball of happiness that my sweet little boy brings to both of us, my wonderful family, friends I care about and enjoy spending time with, activities that I enjoy a great deal, and a reasonably comfortable lifestyle (even through the times of financial stress, which have started to die down a little now that I'm back to working full time,) I feel happy, lucky, and fulfilled the majority of the time. I used to be a glass half empty kind of person, but something deep down changed pretty dramatically after the birth of our sweet boy, and I truly seem to find the positive in almost everything now. It's weird. But despite feeling that way, I am still numbing myself, some emotion or feeling, with too much food, and allowing myself to alternate between scrambling to keep up/catch up with my life that has gotten out of control to holing up to relax and saying screw it to getting things done, perpetuating the need to scramble again.
I have repeatedly tried to organize my life into the "ideal" schedule in my head, only to have it partly written down and forgotten within the next couple of hours. I think the schedule to fit everything in that I want to is very important, but also changing my outlook and behavior is pivotal in making that happen. For example:
I love my son more dearly than I could have ever imagined, and I think I am a pretty great mother, but I want to be an even better one. I want to be able to put together a themed craft to do with him more often that just over the holidays, as I do now, but on a more regular basis, maybe every two weeks or more, to coincide with things he interested in, learning at school, plus the holidays and seasons, etc. I want to get him back to the library more often as I used to when at home with him, so we can continue reading new books to expand his mind since he has his (large collection) all memorized. And I want to document his life in a scrapbook- I have mountains of notes, zillions of picture files, and a seemingly endless supply of scrapbooking stuff, and I have done some amazing pages documenting my pregnancy with him leading up to the night we left for the hospital to have him. The rest is still waiting. He's 3.5, will be turning 4 this summer... Most importantly, I want to have the kind of patience a mother of a 3 year old should, but it eludes me. Even though I know why he acts the way he does sometimes, it makes me mental, especially since the "terrible twos" behavior kicked in at 18 months, and no one told me that terrible twos is a dumb name because it doesn't even compare to the threes, and sometimes I can't help losing my cool with him. I wish I didn't.
I love my husband dearly, and I think I'm a decent wife, but I know I could be so much better. I don't feel the need to elaborate particularly, but I there are things that I do and don't do that I could improve upon. Don't think gutter thoughts, either, because that's NOT what I am talking about!
I also think I am a very valuable employee at work, but again, I could be so much better! My reasonable efforts are well appreciated, but I know for a fact that I could still do more/better. Why settle for good enough?
Likewise with my wedding business. I had definitely planned on doing it, but then started it rather hastily when I was facing down the possibility of no employment when I needed it. I have done remarkably well considering the resources I have had and the time I have given it, but it could be soooooooooooooooooooo much more. I have a huge list of things to do for it that never gets anything checked off from it, other than attending to the needs of the clients I have now.
Lastly, myself. And herein lies part of the problem, putting myself last. What mother doesn't? But how many people in positions to advise on health, weight loss, etc. have you heard say, REPEATEDLY, that to excel in your role to others you have to put your own health and well being first. And it carries through down to every detail such as keeping yourself looking your best so you feel your best all the time, instead of leaving the house on a Saturday with sweatpants and a ball cap.
On one hand, it sounds like I want to be unrealistic super-mom, but I know that the majority of people I know are pulling it off with MORE than one kid in the mix, so surely I can make it work. With all that said, I sort of believe I can do it, but it's more than the schedule discipline. It's the whole focus and attitude of I KNOW can do it, I am worth it, and I will be better for everyone else as a result of it.
I have repeatedly tried to organize my life into the "ideal" schedule in my head, only to have it partly written down and forgotten within the next couple of hours. I think the schedule to fit everything in that I want to is very important, but also changing my outlook and behavior is pivotal in making that happen. For example:
I love my son more dearly than I could have ever imagined, and I think I am a pretty great mother, but I want to be an even better one. I want to be able to put together a themed craft to do with him more often that just over the holidays, as I do now, but on a more regular basis, maybe every two weeks or more, to coincide with things he interested in, learning at school, plus the holidays and seasons, etc. I want to get him back to the library more often as I used to when at home with him, so we can continue reading new books to expand his mind since he has his (large collection) all memorized. And I want to document his life in a scrapbook- I have mountains of notes, zillions of picture files, and a seemingly endless supply of scrapbooking stuff, and I have done some amazing pages documenting my pregnancy with him leading up to the night we left for the hospital to have him. The rest is still waiting. He's 3.5, will be turning 4 this summer... Most importantly, I want to have the kind of patience a mother of a 3 year old should, but it eludes me. Even though I know why he acts the way he does sometimes, it makes me mental, especially since the "terrible twos" behavior kicked in at 18 months, and no one told me that terrible twos is a dumb name because it doesn't even compare to the threes, and sometimes I can't help losing my cool with him. I wish I didn't.
I love my husband dearly, and I think I'm a decent wife, but I know I could be so much better. I don't feel the need to elaborate particularly, but I there are things that I do and don't do that I could improve upon. Don't think gutter thoughts, either, because that's NOT what I am talking about!
I also think I am a very valuable employee at work, but again, I could be so much better! My reasonable efforts are well appreciated, but I know for a fact that I could still do more/better. Why settle for good enough?
Likewise with my wedding business. I had definitely planned on doing it, but then started it rather hastily when I was facing down the possibility of no employment when I needed it. I have done remarkably well considering the resources I have had and the time I have given it, but it could be soooooooooooooooooooo much more. I have a huge list of things to do for it that never gets anything checked off from it, other than attending to the needs of the clients I have now.
Lastly, myself. And herein lies part of the problem, putting myself last. What mother doesn't? But how many people in positions to advise on health, weight loss, etc. have you heard say, REPEATEDLY, that to excel in your role to others you have to put your own health and well being first. And it carries through down to every detail such as keeping yourself looking your best so you feel your best all the time, instead of leaving the house on a Saturday with sweatpants and a ball cap.
On one hand, it sounds like I want to be unrealistic super-mom, but I know that the majority of people I know are pulling it off with MORE than one kid in the mix, so surely I can make it work. With all that said, I sort of believe I can do it, but it's more than the schedule discipline. It's the whole focus and attitude of I KNOW can do it, I am worth it, and I will be better for everyone else as a result of it.
Lots of Randomness, Been too Long!
So, it's been a while since I've written here, and my primary "excuse" is that the best time I had for doing it previously was first the boy's naptime on stay-at-home days, followed by lunchtime at work upon returning full time. Well, now we are banned from blog sites at work (among lots of other things.) It is unfortunate that people who don't get their work done have to ruin it for the rest of us! That being said, I still need and want to continue, therefore I need to continue my quest to prioritize and organize my time such that I can make time to do it on a daily basis at home. 3 or 4 times a week would probably be enough, but it's much harder to start that kind of sporadic habit than a daily one, I think. Less opportunity to forget about it.
So, as I sit here listening to my son sleep on the couch while recovering from the double ear infection that was diagnosed today, I'm brimming with stuff I've wanted to write about. I started an entry a while ago and never finished, called "The Person I Want To Be", I'll probably finish and post it next after a general rambling brain dump in this one.
1) The other morning when I got in the car, my odometer read "111,111". I love crap like that. OCDish, I know, but when I was a kid it used to give me a thrill when the clock read 10:10, 11:11, or 12:12, too. What can I say?
2) I am very much inside my own head when I exercise, and I value that time immensely. (I recently realized just how much when I was planning to stop and stretch at a particular light post on a corner and then someone was standing there when I got to it. I felt like it was an invasion of MY personal space, hahaha. Outdoors on a walk or jog is the very best alone time, followed by being on equipment in the gym where you don't know anyone else and don't feel obligated to acknowledge them, followed by languishing in a hot bath. Not exercise, but equally effective for relaxing and organizing one's thoughts...
3) I have been doing really well with exercise considering where I was. I can really feel an improvement in my energy level from day-to-day, and the other day in my hockey game I was nowhere near as gassed as usual by the end of the game. Still a long shot from where I want to be, though. Likewise- I'm eating a lot better than I was and lost that first 5 pounds, but not really being good enough to the point of making a conscious effort to lose weight, as is my continuing desire.
4) I love reconnecting with people. After I got on Facebook last year, it was extremely gratifying to gradually find and be found by people who were previously a part of my life, including high school friends and acquaintances, college sorority sisters, and even obscure relatives who I'd not otherwise bothered to keep in touch with. This weekend, probably in part as a result of such reconnections, a large group of my sorority sisters that all live in the same area got together for dinner. It had been 15 years since I had seen most of them, and it was so amazing. It really felt wonderful to reconnect, and talk beyond just what people have listed on their profiles, although I was thankful for having had my memory refreshed with them over the last year so they weren't total strangers! All of the ladies looked incredible, too, most having had several kids and looking like they hadn't aged a day. Further inspiration.
5) This week kicks off the first of my Spring wedding events. I have 4 current clients, one who is a relative of a friend and 3 who hired me as total strangers, and these weddings occur over the next 6 weeks. Yikes! This weekend will be my first client ever that wasn't someone I already knew, so a real milestone for my business (and confidence.) Wish me luck! The good thing, is, she is very laid back and cool, so I don't feel on edge going into it.
I guess that's it for now. My next post is older than this one originally, but written over several revisits, and hopefully doesn't sound too melancholy, because in general I am feeling pretty upbeat lately. But it is full of fairly deep thoughts. This weekend was finally a good dose of Spring weather, I'm remembering it fondly and pretending it is not freezing cold and pouring rain today!
So, as I sit here listening to my son sleep on the couch while recovering from the double ear infection that was diagnosed today, I'm brimming with stuff I've wanted to write about. I started an entry a while ago and never finished, called "The Person I Want To Be", I'll probably finish and post it next after a general rambling brain dump in this one.
1) The other morning when I got in the car, my odometer read "111,111". I love crap like that. OCDish, I know, but when I was a kid it used to give me a thrill when the clock read 10:10, 11:11, or 12:12, too. What can I say?
2) I am very much inside my own head when I exercise, and I value that time immensely. (I recently realized just how much when I was planning to stop and stretch at a particular light post on a corner and then someone was standing there when I got to it. I felt like it was an invasion of MY personal space, hahaha. Outdoors on a walk or jog is the very best alone time, followed by being on equipment in the gym where you don't know anyone else and don't feel obligated to acknowledge them, followed by languishing in a hot bath. Not exercise, but equally effective for relaxing and organizing one's thoughts...
3) I have been doing really well with exercise considering where I was. I can really feel an improvement in my energy level from day-to-day, and the other day in my hockey game I was nowhere near as gassed as usual by the end of the game. Still a long shot from where I want to be, though. Likewise- I'm eating a lot better than I was and lost that first 5 pounds, but not really being good enough to the point of making a conscious effort to lose weight, as is my continuing desire.
4) I love reconnecting with people. After I got on Facebook last year, it was extremely gratifying to gradually find and be found by people who were previously a part of my life, including high school friends and acquaintances, college sorority sisters, and even obscure relatives who I'd not otherwise bothered to keep in touch with. This weekend, probably in part as a result of such reconnections, a large group of my sorority sisters that all live in the same area got together for dinner. It had been 15 years since I had seen most of them, and it was so amazing. It really felt wonderful to reconnect, and talk beyond just what people have listed on their profiles, although I was thankful for having had my memory refreshed with them over the last year so they weren't total strangers! All of the ladies looked incredible, too, most having had several kids and looking like they hadn't aged a day. Further inspiration.
5) This week kicks off the first of my Spring wedding events. I have 4 current clients, one who is a relative of a friend and 3 who hired me as total strangers, and these weddings occur over the next 6 weeks. Yikes! This weekend will be my first client ever that wasn't someone I already knew, so a real milestone for my business (and confidence.) Wish me luck! The good thing, is, she is very laid back and cool, so I don't feel on edge going into it.
I guess that's it for now. My next post is older than this one originally, but written over several revisits, and hopefully doesn't sound too melancholy, because in general I am feeling pretty upbeat lately. But it is full of fairly deep thoughts. This weekend was finally a good dose of Spring weather, I'm remembering it fondly and pretending it is not freezing cold and pouring rain today!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Staying Motivated for More Than 2 Hours at a Time is Crazy Hard Work!
And I'm still not entirely confident that I can figure out a way to sustain it. I need to believe I can do it. I FREQUENTLY have flashes of my killer results and I am also constantly thinking of my good reasons for having these goals and how AMAZING it will feel to be so dramatically much healthier and look that good, but then after a couple of hours of living, it's easy to get distracted by life and not always think that way every second. I want so much to move it to the next level and count my food points, so I can continue dropping the weight and increase the speed and success of it, but I've started and not finished counting the day about 4-5 times in the last week. None of the days were awful, I just petered out and ate "normally" instead of figuring it out. Despite having lost the first 5 pounds that way, it's not likely to go much further without dedicated action. Plus, I'm hoping to get into a more aggressive workout schedule, but I'm constantly allowing myself to be derailed. For 2 or 3 weeks I was sick, now that I'm not I fit it in yesterday on the weekend, but the weekdays seem sooo daunting and filled with zillions of other things I need to take care of, in addition to myself. Including other parts of taking care of myself like getting my allergy shot. Now that I'm writing this it sounds like an excuse, and I really don't have any that are worthy of merit. Sickness, gone, excuses, long since out the window.
I did fall prey last night to one definite contributor to the sensation of not feeling like I'm in enough control of my life or being able to "fit it all in", and that is staying up reeeeally late. The two time suckers that can cause this are computer time (particularly Facebook and email in general) and TV. Last night TV was the vice of choice. I can't imagine banning myself from TV entirely, but I have told myself before I need to cut back, and I need to try that again. My "goals" for the weekday evenings are to mostly enjoy the company of my little pumpkin and my sweetie and only deal with dinner and superficial stuff like tidying up while the boy is awake. This should include having him help tidy up the toys before we go upstairs. Then after we enjoy our family time and he's in bed it's supposed to be about 1 hour of "getting it done", be that working out some days, wedding business or scrapbook catch up the other days. SO ideal but this rarely happens. Unless I have a deadline and then I'm up 'til 1:30 printing and addressing invitations. And then I'd like to be ready and in bed by 10:30, to read a little and fall asleep either after a few minutes or no later than 11. This sounds so achievable when I see it in print! It does require starting his bedtime early enough, which works out fine when we do it, and not feeling like I hit the wall with tiredness after putting him down and sinking into the couch for the remainder of the evening. I need this, so much! If I could just do that, then it might become possible to workout in the mornings. Right now my mornings consist of waking up realizing I've hit snooze 6,000 times, scrambling to find stuff for me and the kid to wear (which could easily be set out the night before), scrambling to get ready with too little time, looking for all of the stuff I/we need for the day (also fixable the night before), wondering what I can do for lunch (AGAIN with the night before), and then usually being a few minutes late. I don't enjoy living like that, and it's simply not necessary. Being all prepared would make me feel so much more Zen, for lack of a better word, and I swear it would change a lot about my energy level and sensations of being overwhelmed a lot of the time.
I am out to convince myself that I can do it. One, I WILL write my points for one whole day and see what happens! Two, I will over the course of this week begin to implement my evening plans. Three, I will work out at least one time this week in addition to my pole class, it doesn't matter when. Weekend-only fitness isn't going to cut it. Go, me, you can do it!
I did fall prey last night to one definite contributor to the sensation of not feeling like I'm in enough control of my life or being able to "fit it all in", and that is staying up reeeeally late. The two time suckers that can cause this are computer time (particularly Facebook and email in general) and TV. Last night TV was the vice of choice. I can't imagine banning myself from TV entirely, but I have told myself before I need to cut back, and I need to try that again. My "goals" for the weekday evenings are to mostly enjoy the company of my little pumpkin and my sweetie and only deal with dinner and superficial stuff like tidying up while the boy is awake. This should include having him help tidy up the toys before we go upstairs. Then after we enjoy our family time and he's in bed it's supposed to be about 1 hour of "getting it done", be that working out some days, wedding business or scrapbook catch up the other days. SO ideal but this rarely happens. Unless I have a deadline and then I'm up 'til 1:30 printing and addressing invitations. And then I'd like to be ready and in bed by 10:30, to read a little and fall asleep either after a few minutes or no later than 11. This sounds so achievable when I see it in print! It does require starting his bedtime early enough, which works out fine when we do it, and not feeling like I hit the wall with tiredness after putting him down and sinking into the couch for the remainder of the evening. I need this, so much! If I could just do that, then it might become possible to workout in the mornings. Right now my mornings consist of waking up realizing I've hit snooze 6,000 times, scrambling to find stuff for me and the kid to wear (which could easily be set out the night before), scrambling to get ready with too little time, looking for all of the stuff I/we need for the day (also fixable the night before), wondering what I can do for lunch (AGAIN with the night before), and then usually being a few minutes late. I don't enjoy living like that, and it's simply not necessary. Being all prepared would make me feel so much more Zen, for lack of a better word, and I swear it would change a lot about my energy level and sensations of being overwhelmed a lot of the time.
I am out to convince myself that I can do it. One, I WILL write my points for one whole day and see what happens! Two, I will over the course of this week begin to implement my evening plans. Three, I will work out at least one time this week in addition to my pole class, it doesn't matter when. Weekend-only fitness isn't going to cut it. Go, me, you can do it!
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