Ouch.

Screwing up sucks.  Realizing how LONG you have been screwing up for sucks more.  And being called out for a duration or repetitive pattern of screwing up really stings the most, but can be helpful, too.  My last couple of posts have been about "hey, I'm off the horse," and "hey, I'm getting back on the horse," etc.  And months have gone by with little change and even less acknowledgement to myself of the problem/situation.  MONTHS now!

Today is the first day of Fall, my favorite season of the year.  The air turns crisp, the leaves turn gorgeous, football is back, the food and activities turn harvest-y, and the favorite holidays are just around the corner.  Plus, this time around over the next two weekends I have my final weddings of my wedding planning business, before I close that chapter and free up some space in my brain.

Since I last posted about any fitness events I've done a tri, I've skipped a tri, and I've registered for a marathon.  YET ANOTHER season of Biggest Loser has kicked off, and for the Nth time I don't want to stay on my couch eating and being tired and fat while the contestants shrink before my eyes and live the dream I want.  I should be doing the same thing.  I don't want my goals to continue to slip through my fingers.  I don't want to continue to live my life in a sugar-induced haze.  I don't want to keep having to "restart" my workout program from the bottom.  I don't want to put on a pole dancing graduation performance as the fat girl who knows how to move it well.  I don't want to turn 40 while feeling I am failing myself and not being happy with how I look and feel.  I don't want to walk 26 miles for my marathon, or worse yet have to cut it back to 10.  I don't want to go to Vegas as a major gift to myself at 40 for a renewal of my marriage vows and extreme celebration with my friends while feeling I have fallen short and still look and feel heavy.  I don't want to keep seeing pictures of myself that I don't recognize, because that is not how I look in my head.  I don't want to continue to flounder around, starting and stopping and running in a very small circle, all the while wishing I was living the life that I know I can but just don't seem to grasp on to with any strength or for very long.  I don't want to keep wondering when and how I will start becoming the person I know I am and want to return to being.  But when will I start wanting it enough?