Where to Start?!

So much to talk about!  Right when something started “happening” with my weight loss goals and plans, I checked the rest of the way out of blogging about it for a while.  This is coincident with the fact that working out regularly takes away a little from the overall pile of my personal time.  I only figured that out because over the last two months I have failed to finish reading our book club selections, and I was reading up a storm before that.  Can’t seem to cut the “wasted” veg/relax time, especially since that overlaps with the hang out with the hubby time, definitely can’t cut any time from the kid, can’t stand things if I cut too much from the day-to-day household upkeep, so apparently that was what gave.  And our next book is a really long one and our club dinner is in 11 days.  Oops.

Since I have been unwilling to admit to exactly how much weight I had GAINED over this past awful winter and was no longer willing to talk concrete weight numbers, let’s just say that I am almost back to my “starting” weight.  (If you are asking yourself “which one?” then {{hugs}} to you, because you are definitely a long time reader.)  J  I am down 16 pounds and most of a dress size.  LONG, long way to go, of course, but a huge good start.  How did this finally start happening, you ask?!

On Wednesday, April 28, 2010, a figurative brick hit me over the head.  In my obsession about turning 40 next March, I had counted out the days leading up to that, and was calculating whether I could still reasonably reach my weight goals by the birthday, and the following day was the 300 days remaining mark.  Yes, I should seek therapy probably, but I’m telling you, that 300 days left before turning 40 was it for me.  You know how you always say you can’t stand it anymore, this is it, I have to change, etc., and then it passes?  Well, in the weight loss success stories you read about or shows you watch, there’s always something that was the final straw for people that have succeeded.  Usually in times past I’ve been sure I had reached that final straw, but then it wore off.  Apparently, this was really it for me, though, thank goodness.  The idea of turning 40 while feeling I look poorly and feel badly about my health and my body is all but unbearable, so I absolutely can not afford to miss this chance to fix it in time.

And because I was so afraid of letting a milestone opportunity for a big start pass by with the risk of failing a little on the first day and throwing in the towel mentally, I started the day before, to give myself a one day fail cushion.  Confident, aren’t I?  Now, I kicked some major ass at first.  I’m wearing a Bodybugg (Biggest Loser style) to calculate my calories burned during the day, and I had used the online program to figure out my weight loss total goals, planned rate of loss, timeline, etc., and determined that I wanted to be able to eat 1700 calories a day, and wanted to burn about 2600 calories a day, so I would be in a deficit of at least 900 calories a day, thereby burning not quite 2 pounds a week.  And I did just that!!!  For almost all of the time between April 28 and June 8, about 6 weeks total.

Then came Wednesday, June 9.  And Thursday, June 10.  A two-day conference for work, downtown, where I was cooped up and not able to bring full snacking supplies.  And then the weekend followed, wherein we celebrated my husband’s birthday.  And then the following week was my hormonally challenging week before my period, affectionately referred to as shark week, and it was a worse one than usual.  And then it was also a heavy period week, and the weather got hot, humid, and life force sucking.  And then we were travelling and hanging out with family.  And the result of all of those no-reason-to-be-excuses excuses is that over the last 20 days I have been on a skid, completely unraveled all the good habits I had formed, developed a taste for junk food again, and I feel like I am starting over.  (Luckily this has not caused much in the way of scale damage, but it sure is about to if I don’t catch it now!)  My mantra for success had been to try to have tunnel vision, and focus just on the 900 calorie deficit a day, but then I got away from that, and started looking at both the modest startup success and the daunting long way to go and it messed me up.

However, I can not afford to beat myself up about it.  I need to lose some of the confidence that emboldened me to let myself slip, but keep enough of it to know that I can and will continue to move forward.  I already made plans to run tonight, which of all the types of exercise I’ve been doing burns the very most calories.  I also can’t afford to let my physical training slip because my sprint triathlon (same as last year, in my home neighborhood) is coming up in a little under 5weeks.  !!!

900 Calories

Hello, again.  The day of my last post, Wednesday, April 28, 2010, was the day before "T-minus 300" days until my 40th birthday.  And for whatever reason, on that day it all clicked together for me.  Armed with a Bodybugg (literally, it goes on my arm) like they use on The Biggest Loser, I have been experiencing some successful calorie math, making livable lifestyle adjustments, and enjoying a few resulting lost pounds.  My goals have been to face down this weight loss mountain ONE SINGLE DAY AT A TIME, so my goals are small, the results come quickly, and any slip ups are VERY short lived.  My goals have been to burn at least 2600 calories every 24 hours, to eat around 1700 calories, trying to only go over if I have also exceeded my burn, and ending up with a calorie deficit of at least 900 calories daily.  For the most part, each day since then I have actually done that.

Now, I've been writing about wishful and attempted weight loss for going on two years now, and I've had times of "starting" before where I've described the process of the light switch coming on, and about how I have wanted to "protect" the mental switch so nothing shuts it off.  And before, something always has (shut it off, I mean.)  But this time I am taking a whole different approach, because obviously I have to.  It's easy to slip sometimes into "I have lost x pounds in x days (or a month) and I have x more pounds to lose by x."  But this is the previous pattern which has consistently set me up for failure.  It's insurmountable, it's so long term, and it's so rigid.  Life can't be that way, and I've figured out that my usual all or nothing self has no realistic place in getting me to where I want to be.

I chose a dear friend to "report" my numbers to from the previous day each day, also.  Why?  Because, as I told her, failing privately and having the privacy to quit and/or not try is no longer an option, and never works for me.  I thought in the past that this blog might also be good for that, but as I appear to have few readers and even fewer willing to make comment, it's become more of a one-way sounding board for me.  And that's fine, I'm ok with that.  I'd like it if more people were reading, but I haven't gone too far out of my way to promote it.  I'm also not consistent with it, but I enjoy writing as though I'm telling someone what's inside my head, and I like sharing that stuff and having an ongoing record of my dialog.

Anyway, rest assured that this time a month of silence wasn't anything other than a month being put to good use, a stepping stone to returning to the healthier, more energetic, lighter, happier person I know I am, that's just been hiding under some stuff.  I'm going to continue to clear out that stuff, 900 calories at a time.

He Hate Me

No, I am not talking about Rod Smart, although I’m pretty sure I’m one of the only people (and DEFINITELY the only girl!) who actually LIKED the XFL and was bummed it didn’t take.  No, I’m just talking about my kid.  Charming 4 and ¾ that he is, he is going through a weird stage where he is taking turns not liking us.  Friday eve and Saturday morning he spent some reeeeeally quality Daddy time, including getting to go watch airplanes practically landing on their heads at Gravelly Point Park, and they both reported nothing but happiness and peace.  Saturday afternoon and eve then, I gave Daddy some time off and was looking forward to an equally pleasant alone time with the boy. 

But then, out of nowhere, he turned on me.

And that was how the evening went, crabby boy, mommy trying to be nice and fun but not allowing bad behavior to go unchecked, and eventually resorting to taking the bedtime stories away (which is the one thing he can’t handle the loss of), and I was told in no uncertain terms that he didn’t like me.  Throughout the evening he kept asking where Daddy was, and he wouldn’t say good night to me after I tucked him in.  The kicker was, though, that the next morning it was like it never happened, and by the end of Sunday he decided he didn’t like Daddy and that Daddy was bad.  Completely unprovoked.  Go figure!

My Caps must hate me, too.  They’re killing me with the apparent lack of interest in doing well in the first round.  Wed. is Game 7 of Round 1, a position they should not be in!

On the health front, my exercise over the last week or so has consisted of this:

Tuesday:  brisk 1 hour lunchtime walk

Wednesday: sick from pollen, skipped pole class

Thursday: brisk 1 hour lunchtime walk

Friday: nothing

Saturday: make up pole class (a butt kicker!) and evening housework (up and down townhouse stairs)

Sunday: brisk 1 hour walk, followed by a whole day of active family time at not one but TWO spring festivals.

Monday: nothing

Tuesday: brisk 1 hour lunchtime walk, on which a goose that I was walking a little close to hissed at me.  Who knew a goose could hiss?

That sounds fairly lame, and it doesn’t include weights yet, but technically that’s 5 cardio workouts in 8 days.  Could be worse!  Now, if that chocolate would stop finding its way to my face...

A Slice of Mid-Life Crisis Served with a Dollop of I-Don’t-Even-Know-What…

Regular readers (if I have any out there other than the one or two I know of), here I am, posting again.  Oh, a long absence, you say- must mean things aren’t going very well!  Indeed.  I read a book a few months ago written by a girl who lost over 100 pounds just on her own (entitled “Half-Assed”, I’ve probably already mentioned it) and who blogged about it on the way, as have many other success stories that I’m hoping to emulate.  She said that in the weight loss blogging world, it is widely known that people who disappear from writing for a time almost ALWAYS have fallen off the wagon.  Well, folks, I might need to change my analogy there, because I have fallen off (and stayed off) the wagon so many times I would not have any intact bone structure left were it a reality.  Perhaps a kinder terminology can be created for me, like “taking a break.”

-complete tangent here- Do you know and love the late, great, George Carlin?  That idea reminds me of his bit on the differences between baseball and football.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check it out.

Anyway, I’m back for now, and I’m seeming to be in more of a mental fuddle than ever!  The previous concept I started of “39 to Happiest to 365” is definitely still in the cards, but I need to come back on board first of all, and secondly I need to count the days differently.  I was absolutely losing track of which day it was when I wasn’t posting often enough, and it was a pain to recount.  Maybe it would strike more fear and understanding in me to see the days ticking DOWN to the big day of reckoning rather than upward.  T-minus 307 days today, for example.  And then each time I check in with myself I can do the math as to how fast I would have to lose to meet my “deadline”- always touted as an unhealthy way to look at it, but I can’t help it, that’s how I roll.  I’m still able to meet my ultimate goal at this point by losing an average of about pound every 4 days.  The max recommended usually to do realistically and safely is 2 pounds a week, so this week is pretty much the moment of truth for me.  I’m still good there, but if I don’t get going asap, I’ll be looking at meeting my goal past when I want to, which is a pretty defeating position to be in mentally.

As far as the mid-life crisis thing, I think I’m only going to delve into it in a piecemeal fashion here and there on this blog, for now.  It feels like a huge can of worms spewing out everywhere when I bring it up, so I need to sneak up on it, and just pick at it, gradually.  Suffice it to say that it comes and goes, but toward the end of last week it felt like it was in a full rage.  And then it let up over the weekend.  And later this week it's kinda back on again.  So many issues to talk about, but so little time, stay tuned…

(P.S. I have been exercising since Saturday or so- I had a make up pole dancing class that kicked my ass on Saturday, I took thousands of trips up and down my townhouse stairs carrying piles and boxes Sunday while purging the house of excess stuff, which made me feel almost as light as having lost real weight, went for a jog Monday eve, and went for a very long and very brisk walk at lunch Tuesday, which I topped off with walking up the 8 flights of stairs to my office. (That part was a mistake, I was gasping like a fish on land!)  But then pollen and a sick kid got me, so I’ve missed a couple days since…

A Guilt Trip to Udvar-Hazy

Today I had a bad mom moment.  My sweet boy has a couple of unhealthy habits that that won't seem to die even after a couple of years of hassling him about them.  So, no need to discuss the specifics, but this morning he was doing one of those things and I snapped a little and yelled at him pretty sharply, without even building up to it.  Naturally he got really upset, but his being sad about it really lingered more than I expected, and we had a long chat about it.  Apparently he remembers me yelling at him some other times too, and this time he couldn't seem to get over being sad about it.  I felt like such a mean bad mommy.  :(  

After lunch, to make amends, I took him to one of his very favorite places, the Udvar-Hazy Center, or as we call it "the Airplane Museum" (it's the overflow extension of the Smithsonian's Air and Space Museum, and it's awesome.)  We looked at tons of planes including a Stealth and the Concorde, plus helicopters, gliders, rockets, and the crown jewel, the Space Shuttle, which is his current favorite thing to simulate/play with at home, and he even digs watching the footage of previous launches on YouTube.  Then we shared an ice cream cone and I bought him a space shuttle model to take home.  Geez, that was some pretty expensive guilt!  Luckily that doesn't happen often (I can't remember any previous examples ever, in fact,) because I do not want my only child to turn out a spoiled brat...  I think we both feel better now, but I need to improve my patience so it doesn't happen again!

39 to Happiest in 365: Days 9 and 10 (out of order)

This is old now, but I still wanted it in here for the record:

I feel terrible today (Thurs.  March 11)!  Absolutely terrible.  I have a headache, I feel a little jittery, I am extremely tired despite an extra long night’s sleep (because it was a poor one), and I am having trouble focusing on important things like work... 

Yesterday (Wed. March 10) I had my pole dance class, and it goes in 8 week sessions at each level.  The levels go from 1-6 initially, and I made it to about halfway through Level 4 last year before getting a hip injury and having to quit for a while.  At the time I was still struggling with some of the moves being beyond my shoulder strength level, and I was also working on trying to get into better shape but was a long way from there.  Well, now after a winter of snow, illnesses, snow, illnesses, more snow, and more illnesses, I’m pretty frightfully out of shape.  Last night was the first night back at Level 2, and my instructor went apeshit with an uber-intense cardio pace!  I love it, but during the class it was a miracle I didn’t throw up, and almost immediately afterward I could feel the lactic acid building- which is to the point of me moving slowly and feeling almost ill from it today.  I crashed out at 9:00, which is exceptionally early for me, and I slept really poorly… 

Additional contributing factors to how poorly I feel today are allergies, and my cycle.  I let my allergy shots get behind over the winter to the point that they expired and I have to start over now, and even though it’s only been less than a week of spring-like weather, I am already a fountain of post nasal drip.  To top it off, I am in the latter half of my monthly cycle, which in recent years has caused me to be progressively more tired and lower energy

However, on the bright side, I’ve still been doing well the last couple days with calorie intake.  Not going to pat myself on the back yet until like a month or so has gone by, but I’m pleased with myself.

39 to Happiest in 365: through Day 12

(Days 9 and 10) I wrote a post and left it in a different computer- I'll have to post those later.)

Wednesday I didn't have anything major to report, but it was a good calorie deficit day.  I had eaten healthy all day, then my pole class whipped me to the point of passing out at 9:00.  Brutal.

Thursday I was feeling really beat and low energy, but kept the calories low enough despite not working out.  No major revelations.

Day 11 (Friday, March 12) I had a really productive day at work, had lunch out with a coworker and his fiancee to discuss their wedding plans, and topped the day off by an evening playing Rockband for the first time ever with the husband and a bunch of our friends.  It was amazing fun!  I belted out some songs through these rusty old pipes, and really dug playing the drums, too.  I didn't finish out the calorie count for the day, but all the standing around singing and working the arms and leg drumming was certainly a better burn than laying on the couch would have been!

Day 12 was our "Second Saturdays" dinner with our newly formed supper club/book club group.  It's us and two other couples, and I look forward to it all month now!  I didn't count calories today.  I ate relatively low to leave room for the dinner, and then I relaxed and enjoyed myself.  It was a smashing success!  The theme was "Ides of March", and everybody made fabulous food, we had good wine, and I thought my table decor wasn't half bad, either.  I figure if I really am good with my calories most days of the month and especially if I get my workouts ramped up more, I'll be fine with one day a month of eating a little more than normal.  The important thing is not to have such days lead into not doing well the next few days after so it doesn't become a slide.

Sunday or Monday I plan to weigh in and discuss the results.  I'm not going to talk about my actual weight number until it's back down to one I am comfortable sharing, but I'll tell you how much I'm down.

(I know this post wasn't particularly deep or revealing, but I am at least forcing myself to catch up so as not to get back out of the habit again already.)

To Daylight Savings:  Welcome, dear friend, I love you!  One of the happiest days every year, you truly put your stamp on making Spring feel real.  You bring new light to the end of the day and I consider loaning you an hour of my time until the fall a small price to pay for such joy.