Thursday, June 25, 2009

Perfectionism Sucks

Thursday I'm leaving work early to go to the beach to rejoin my pumpkin, who has been there with various family without me or his daddy while his school was on break. I can not wait to get there and hug him, I have missed him dearly.

I've learned a couple of things about myself this week while he's been away. One- separation anxiety from one's child can be managed. Which is a good and healthy thing. Leaving him was tough but I enjoyed the freedom immensely. Two- indulgence and rebellion from responsibility can feel as good as getting one's life in order would have. And three- I'm pretty imperfect, and I'm going to work harder at being ok with that. I know this, obviously, and everyone is imperfect in their own ways, but it's pretty hard for me to accept about myself most of the time. I always feel like everything will be just as it should be and I will be able to relax when... Always something. When the house is all cleaned up and organized to the Nth degree, when I get "caught up" in everything, be it the boy's scrapbook, or my business stuff, or personal paperwork/filing. But the reality is, no one ever catches up, because life is always moving on, recreating chores, using up time, and causing more messes and more items to be entered on the to do list. Time to get over the sensation of trying to catch up all the time and just do what needs doing the most while living in the moment. And feeling the burden of things needing to be ALL done and never achieving it is a negative stress that drains energy.

This translates to care for one's self, too. I'm always starting over on diet and fitness plans, and if I'm not quite there yet it's because I'm waiting for the right time. After this busy week, or after this social event, etc. Perfectionism is what kills the diet once I start, too, because I messed up a little so I'll just eat whatever I want or relax and "start" again at a better time. I think people who don't struggle with their weight and/or are successful at managing it just do the best they can most of the time. That's all I should be asking of myself.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Bob Harper, Part 1

So, I'm going to delve into the book written by fitness trainer Bob Harper, titled "Are You Ready!" (I think it is weird to have an exclamation point instead of a question mark, but I'm not his editor so what do I know?!) He is the trainer along with Jillian Michael on the Biggest Loser. Happily, his blog says they started filming Season 8 immediately following the finale of Season 7, so I have that to look forward to. DAMMIT I HOPE I AM ALREADY SUCCESSFUL BY THEN INSTEAD OF JUST TRYING TO GET STARTED! Oh, sorry, did I say that out loud? I've watched several seasons of that show now in hopes that the inspiration would actually translate into some kind of success for me, and it sucks as they get later in the season and the still fat but getting smaller people start weighing less than me, and then I'm still at my same weight at the finale. No more, please!

Anyway, after the part asking questions about whether you are really ready to put yourself first or not, he starts with three points to focus on: relax, respect, and reinforce. Relax in your daily life and as often as you can think of it, respect yourself and your body enough not to put awful things into it, taking care of it as it needs, and reinforcing the better thoughts and habits that come from the first two. I'm going to ponder that for a while, but I think it is fairly insightful...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I Think I Am Being Punished for Something...

So, I dragged my still half-sick self to my DivaFit class tonight, refusing to miss a second week in a row, and had the workout of my life. A couple of hours later and already I am having trouble moving my shoulders. My instructor has an injured knee, and for whatever reason decided to punish us for it. Instead of the usual fun, hard work but dancing workout segment, she turned it into a spinning boot camp hell. Basically repetitive drills, over and over on 10 poles in a row across the room, quickly, again and again, with wall sits in between while waiting. I'm pretty sure I have whiplash, too! A fantastic workout, but sexy? Not so much this time!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

June is Half Over...

...So it's really time for me to get back on the horse. I fell away for a bit, to rest, regroup, and recover. What from? Well, my life, I guess. The timing of my checking out electronically coincided with my 4th of 4 spring weddings, but it was probably a lot more than that. I had 4 brides in May and June get hitched without a hitch, and I felt quite successful with all of them. Each wedding under the belt made me feel progressively more experienced and confident for the next one, too, which is great. Especially since I feel like my fees were a little low for the level of time and effort involved, so now I'll feel like I can justify a less rookie price structure for the next season. I think the weirdest phenomenon from the weddings was that at 3 of the 4 receptions, people took my bathroom guest supplies as personal party favors to keep, and instead of using the items provided for all to benefit from, took them home. The only one that even made a tiny bit of sense was the one held at a hotel, because they are known for free toiletries, but the other ones were just reflective of a modern, selfish society, I guess. The non-stealing crowd was a tad more civilized. The restocking cost alone is justification to jack my rates a little!

Shortly after that last wedding, I fell into a "work hard at work, come home and be with the family, and crash like a rock right after small boy goes to bed" routine for a couple of days. I felt a deep tiredness, mentally and physically. (I missed most of the Stanley Cup finals, too, but the last game was at least an exciting and well matched finish.) I think I went to bed between 8:30 and 9:30 for three days in a row, followed by coming down with being sick. I'm slowly on the mend now. I could feel it coming, because over the years I've grown to be able to tell when I am at maximum capacity, and that was definitely it.

In the meantime, I realized that I had been wandering pretty far off topic at times on this blog, and my posts had become rather cyclical. Want to do well, fresh start, fall off, talk about other things. Get up, want to do well, fresh start, etc. Except that they probably sounded pretty disingenuous because the fresh starts rarely lasted more than a couple of days, followed by a couple of weeks of wallowing in the "I'm stressed and I feel out of control of my eating" mode. Worse yet, I was frequently identifying ways to improve and help myself forward, but I'd write about them and not do them at all. Not very motivational if you're reading this for weight loss motivation! If you're reading about it just to learn more about me and how I think, then cool, I hope I haven't disappointed.

The funny thing is, despite not having posted any blog entries, Facebook updates, or much else for a couple of weeks, I still found myself thinking that way a lot of the time. On walks/runs I usually do a lot of thinking, and lately it seems to take the form of a blog-like narrative in my head. Likewise, numerous times during or after doing something enjoyable or noticing something interesting, I find myself composing a status update appropriate to the situation in my head. Technology really does shape the way we live I guess!

Over the next three weeks, I believe will have some opportunity for reflection and hopefully some personal improvement. The next two weekends will be spent coming and going from the beach, and will afford me half a week with the responsibility of caring for a small boy being in someone else's hands. Culminating in a long family-centric weekend over the 4th of July, the height of the summer and the longest days are here. Car rides, ferry boat rides, time spent walking or jogging on the boardwalk and/or lounging on the beach are all great for straightening one's head. Especially in the company of good family and friends. And time at home sans boy is a prime time to enjoy one's self as well as get a little more done than usual. The time available to achieve my weight loss and fitness goals before my preferred deadlines in mid-October is getting used up quickly, so if I don't start now I can't even get close enough to see and feel the dramatic effects as fully as I'd like. My goal is still 50-60 pounds, but now I have to be more realistic about the time frame. In the 4 months between now and mid-October, I'd like to have been able to lose as much as 35-40 pounds of it. Can I do it? Geez, I hope so!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Hello June! More Soon.

After managing all parts of a manic weekend successfully, including the third of four spring weddings, my brain is full of things both on topic (questions about the weight loss mindset, new beginnings, etc.) and off (various personal stuff). However, I am fresh out of energy to write about it at the moment. But thoughts can't rattle around up in the head forever, so I'll be back soon for more self analysis.

Tonight I took the kid to the pool, which was cold but wonderful. I wait all year for the 3 months and change it is open, and I was willing to be cold to enjoy it with him! I also practiced my pole dancing to get in a workout, making use of the new "mood" lighting my husband added to the garage. Very cool.

Because I was so beat tired today that I took a nap instead of a walk at lunchtime, and I still feel tired, I'm off to sleep. Rare that the clock doesn't say 11 yet!!