Two Sides of the Coin (A Long One...)

So, I had a positive start to a healthier life over the last few days, and I will talk about that first. Then I need to bitch about some things that piss me off because I'm feeling cranky this morning. But I'll try to end on a positive note for my own good after that!

First, the good. I have gone through a zillion proposed "start" dates for achieving a more healthy lifestyle, and most of them come and go with only a few hours of success, at best. That's sad, but clearly I have a lot going on inside that causes me to be so strongly addicted to unhealthy bad food. I think I've said it before, but I clearly medicate myself with food to try to distract myself from other things. And the compulsion to do so can be extremely intense, leaving me feeling like it's not even an option or within my control. And sometimes I don't even notice that I'm mindlessly eating, or if I do am not always enjoying it. On rare occasion, when I have had success with doing better, it was like a switch had been turned on and I was able to do it almost easily, without any explanation of what might have tripped the switch. And then, eventually, the switch got turned back off. So, here's the thing- this time, maybe through all the prep and build up, as well as the public exposure of my plans, I think I must have forced the switch on. It's like the stroller I just got on Freecycle to replace the one I ran over and broke (yes, an embarrassing long story)- unlike many mechanisms that work well with a more gentle touch, this one only opens if you really put sudden pressure on it and jam it open. I think I may have succeeded in jamming on the elusive switch this time, and I am going to put on goalie pads and pick up a large stick to beat away any negative influences that may try to shut it back off before I get to my goals!

Monday and Tuesday I got plenty of exercise with long walks pushing the stroller (and had played a hard hockey game Sunday night too,) and I was easily able to eat within and even under my Points limit. I already started feeling better both physically and about myself, and I started to shed the first couple pounds of water weight already. Yesterday, Day 3, was a lot tougher with it being a work day. Sitting on my ass at a desk apparently makes me want to eat more! And it's also a lot tougher to fit in workouts on those days. I had planned another walk in the afternoon, but it got overcast and my newly exercised body asked for a break, so I caved. This combined with the extra snacks (albeit healthy) caused my healthy dinner to send me well over on the points, BUT- I did not throw in the towel! That is usually my classic mistake, normally once I "fail" it is a free pass to do whatever I want, but I only had a diet hot chocolate for dessert and called it a night. So, almost half a week down, and the switch is still safe. Considering it supposedly takes 21 days to form new habits, 3 days down, 18 to go!

Now, last night I fell asleep VERY early and slept hard, but still woke up feeling tired and cranky. That is is large part I suspect to hormonal issues commonly occurring the week prior to my period. I know, TMI if any guys are reading, sorry. But it is legit, and some months it's no big deal, but others can really bring me down a notch in energy. So, this morning I get up to a 3 year old already being a total pill (earlier than usual for him!) and a house that is back to looking like a bomb went off in it after focusing on me a little bit for a mere 3 days, and having relaxed for one evening. That makes me mad, and it's no WONDER so many moms end up fat and tired after they have kids! Everything and everyone else usually needs to come first. I am starting to believe that the moms who are slender, energetic, and seem to have their act completely together should be smacked (no offense to any of my friends who may fit this description.) I'm also pissed that the job I'm supposedly being fast-tracked for is still hanging. I was told yesterday that it would be another week at the soonest. So much for the interview just being a formality! And how ironic that I'm so desperate to get a job that will force me back to full time, will be a downgrade, is not what I've ever wanted to do, and will only marginally improve my status on the budget cuts list!

Ok, enough whining, I think I feel better. The good thing is, now that a couple of hours have gone by the feelings of waking up on the wrong side of the bed this morning are subsiding, and I need to get back to work. I am still feeling in control, and I'll have the next two days to get organized (again) and clean up the house (again) and do more laundry (constant) to be ready to get us all packed up. This weekend we are headed to the beach with my aunt and uncle for a wine festival, and as long as I can keep my eating in check and exercise a LOT like I don't mind doing at the beach, it'll be a great time and I'll continue to make progress!

A Day of Success. I'm Cautiously Optimistic!

Ok, so I was afraid to even write about a successful first day until I actually went to bed and woke up again first, but I made it.  (I had nightmare visions of writing about a successful day and then finding myself up to my elbow in a bag of something before having made it to bed!)  The first day was great, and weirdly enough, I felt very energetic about it.  What a relief!  Got in a good walking workout, ate under the Weight Watchers points limit, and even got a lot done around during naptime instead of being lazy myself.  Sunday night's late hockey game didn't even enter the picture, but I am definitely feeling it today.  I slept long and like a rock, and I am still tired!  That will require some caution, because I tend to grab the junk food when I am either stressed or tired, but one solid day is a huge start in the right direction.  :)  Go, me!

Ready to Make a Real Change

So, this time, I think am ready to truly focus on me, and ready to do this thing and get healthy.  This morning I clocked in at 202, now 52 pounds away from my goal instead of the 50 when I first started writing about it!  Today I will prepare by making sure the tempting foods are away, planning an aggressive workout schedule, and reminding myself of all the good reasons to stick with it this time.  Tomorrow is the day I really will start down a healthier road.  I'm not "dieting" per se (so I am telling myself), just aggressively improving my lifestyle and health.  I will track what I eat through the Weight Watchers points system, and I will not give up every time I slip up as in times past.  Cumulative successes are enough to make a difference.  Major changes in routine take 21 days to become something of a habit, so perhaps by Halloween I will have a reliable program in working order and already be seeing success.  Wish me luck!

Some Deadlines I Want to be Slim for:

This is a motivational list to supplement the 50 good reasons posted last Friday. These are particular events I feel strongly about being at a healthy, slim weight in time for! They are:
(listed chronologically)

-Sprint Distance Triathlon(s) Summer 2009- For my 30th birthday in March 2001 I went a little nutty considering I was only in mediocre shape and I ran (well, walked a lot) A 10K race in DC, having never done anything like that before. Since then, I have previously dabbled in triathlons, while still remaining mostly out-of-shape, and not at all since having the kid. I finished the two events I actually showed up for (one Sprint, one Olympic,) but pretty much last place. (I was EXACTLY last in the Reston Olympic distance, what a hoot! They were closing the course behind me.) Unfortunately, for those two I did, I've probably registered and paid for 5 or 6 others that I've not gotten ready for and didn't show up for. They're expensive, too, that's a lotta cash. My goal is to get back into shape to really enjoy and do well in triathlons again. There are a number of local Sprint Distance options to consider, particularly looking for Reston.

***-20 Year High School Reunion October 2009 (oh my GOD, isn't that something old people go to?!?!) I might actually have more people to talk to than I did at the 10-year, 'cause a big contingent of my class have been signing up on and communicating through Facebook. Funny that we're all having a little burst of yearning for our youth at the same time. :)

-Halloween 2009- Now that I have successfully revived my "family" interest in Halloween by planning a party this year, I expect to have another costume party next year, and I'd like to wear one of the more suggestive looking costumes (which is all you see that's any good in the stores, anyway.) I'd like us to do the doctor with slutty nurse combo, and/or I've also always wanted to do a dominatrix outfit. Hehehe...

-10 year Wedding Anniversary and Beach re-wedding ceremony, Spring 2010. Yes, I am now a wedding planner, I adore weddings AND the beach, and now my parents have a house fronting on the beach. Good excuse to plan another wedding, just the way I would have liked it if I didn't already like the way we did it before. :) And want to be able to look awesome in a lightweight little sundress!

**-A Vegas second honeymoon- after the wedding at the latest, or possibly sooner depending on finances. I do NOT want to go back to Vegas until I can wear the cute, tiny clothes that I've always wanted to wear, there (that would only be appropriate there!)

-Triathlon season summer 2010- I want to do a couple of Olympic Distance races this year, assuming I've done at least one Sprint the previous year. Reston for sure, in September, and hopefully one other one. There were some newer options I read about this year, plenty of time to research once I really am working out and getting into shape.

****-My 40th Birthday, March 2, 2011! (Ok, that's a very long way off, but seriously, the ONLY way I can handle that without a complete psychological meltdown is to be feeling really good about my hot self by then!) The good thing is I have PLENTY of time for that one, but yet it looms for me mentally, already, only because I feel like such an overwhelmed tired out-of-shape mess now...

So, there you have it, in print, seven different timed goals for losing weight and being healthy. Put those together with my previously listed 50 good reasons to lose 50 (now 51) pounds, and that sounds like a recipe for motivation. I know I have had a LOT of "start dates" that haven't lasted more than a day (or a few hours), but the latest is going to be Monday, October 6. I'm trying to do the prep in advance, like getting used to writing down food points again (have been sporadically and have my notebook ready) and getting myself to the gym (planning to do so this weekend with the whole family, if not sooner too.) I also have a plan for working out at lunchtime sometimes if/when I return to work full time. Must come up with a full now as-is and later full-time plan incorporating all avenues: walks, gym, home tapes, Mommy Boot Camp, Rec. Center, etc. It's going to be pretty ambitious, but I think that's the only way for me to make a big change. I've been trying to sneak up on it the "Kaizen" method of a little bit at a time, but I'm not being able to partially eat much better, I'm kind of all or nothing when it comes to food.

The last thing I have to decide is whether or not to expose myself to more outside involvement/encouragement. I started this blog partly to be able to sound off about my feelings as I roll through life, but also as a means of documenting and sharing my weight loss experience. I posted the link to my Facebook profile, but I didn't announce it or anything, so it's probably not much known, I only know of one person who has looked at it. The question is, can I benefit from the scrutiny of throwing it more public, or is that TMI about me for most people, especially if I still fear repeated failure? I guess I don't have to decide today.