Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Worst Weight Loss Blog Ever?

Am I perhaps unique in the fact that I am a weight loss blogger of sorts, but I don't actually stick to any of my healthy eating or exercise plans for long, I frequently don't continue to take heed of the things I learn after I learn them, and I definitely haven't lost my extra weight yet?   I just read an article about how prolific the weight loss blogger success stories are, and how helpful the process is.  And it made me step back and laugh at myself.  I believe in the process, but somehow I've managed to cheat it and myself in the process.  Not enough people write about that, at least not that I've run across.

I know some people read this journal because they are or have been friends with me and either find it interesting, enjoy the personal anecdotes, or whatever.  And I love having a place to say whatever is on my mind with the knowledge that one or two people might be listening.  But what if you had found me on a search for inspiration to embark on your own weight loss journey?  Pretty sure I'd be doing you a disservice in the inspiration department.

Personally, I need to find more weight loss bloggers who are in the same struggling phase as me.  I've seen plenty of the fatty to fabulous pictures, heard plenty about how they were able to make the decision to focus on that goal and just get there one day at a time.  And then, armed with the understanding that I'm not the only one who sucks at this but still has the gall to write about it, perhaps I could just start heading down the right track for once and for all.  Maybe 2011 is my year.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

My Last Grandparent

My Grandmom was an awesome lady.  She was strong and independent, she was elegant, she was stylish, she was a good cook in the day, and most importantly, she was a fabulous mother and grandmother.  I was lucky that I got to have her around locally growing up, and I got to see her a lot.  Countless holiday and Sunday dinners, family events, you name it she was always there with us.

I've seen a picture of her as a little girl, riding a horse.  I've seen a picture of her on the beach in a bathing suit holding my toddler Dad's hand in which she looks like she could have been a pinup model.  In my parents' wedding album (circa 1969) she looked beyond fabulous and fashionable in a lavender minidress with a pillbox hat and gloves.  We have years and decades of pictures of all of us at the family dinner table, and although I got older and everyone gradually looked a little different, she hardly seemed to age until about the last 10 years or so.

Her earlier life certainly wasn't easy.  She was a military wife, raising two kids while my Grandpop fought in WWII, Vietnam, and Korea.  Later, they divorced, and she found herself alone and having to stand on her own two feet.  Happily, years later they reconciled, although I don't think she ever completely forgave him for leaving her, but it was good they were able to spend his later years reconnected.  She had two kids, my Dad and my Aunt, and I was her only grandchild.  And she even stuck around long enough to get to know my 5 year old son, her great-grandson, which I am grateful for.  My other Grammy made it just long enough to meet my husband and be at our wedding, but my Grandpop died shortly after college and my Mom's Dad died when I was like one or two at most.  So it was good to hang on to one last grandparent for a lot longer.

My favorite memories of her include a period of time in which my parents were in a bowling league on Tuesday nights and they dropped me off at her apartment for a couple of hours.  She would cook me dinner, which we ate at her cozy little kitchen table, and we somehow decided we had a mutual interest in the show Mash, which became a beloved bonding time for us.

Today a small gathering of her family and friends of the family joined to remember her, and I learned some wonderful new tidbits about her, as well as sharing fond memories and pictures of her.  It was just right for her small, soft spoken, and very loving family, and I know she felt all the warm feelings we sent her way.  Grandmom, you will be missed.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I Heart Pole.

Not that there's anything wrong with that!  (Is there?)  Is it normal that my extremely very favorite hobby slash workout includes dressing in clothes too small to wear to the grocery store, wearing heels so high they make me tower over my tall husband, and emulating a stripper with a room full of other ladies doing the same?  Sure, we keep our clothes on, but other than that, pole dancing is a hybrid of athletic moves and overt expression of sexuality.  The music is dirty, the lights are low and disco, and the moves are sultry.  I adore it.  I crave it, I look forward to it every week.  The dirtier the music the better.  I love learning the impressive tricks, but even more than that I dig the grinding, hip swinging, dance moves.  I love it when the lights are low, the disco ball is on, and we spin around, climb up, hang from, slide down, and rub up against the pole like no one is watching.  Except that to take it a step further, I can't wait for people to watch.  That I can't quite explain, but I have been looking forward to the opportunity to perform since the day I started.  It's a fantastic cardio and strength building workout, and an incredibly empowering exploration of sexuality mixed with artistic expression.  It's addictive.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

More Numbers

Aside from being mere double digit days from the big birthday, I've also got a couple of other numbers rattling around in my head lately.  Not accomplishing anything, really, just rattling around.  Making me think, and making me sweat a little:

-roughly 15 weeks until the big Diva performance,
-a little over 18 weeks until the marathon.

The marathon is scary, I'm not going to lie.  I can and have been running 3-3.5 miles at a time comfortably, although not quite as frequently as I needed to have been for building a base to train on.  Now I'm going to be doing that several times a week and increasing the distance weekly for a longer run.  Up to about 10 miles I can kind of picture progressing to, but beyond that feels like a mental abyss.  I guess I do not need to worry about it yet until the time comes, but I'm having trouble visualizing it.

I am extremely excited about the prospect of the pole performance, but nervous too!  It's been a long road to get to this point, 2 years or so by the time I had to stop for injury for a while and then start almost all over.  I'm shocked and impressed with all the things I can do now, even though I haven't gotten myself into the kind of shape yet that I'd planned, and to say I'm stoked to show it all off to friends and family is an extreme understatement.  But being that excited for something that is a one-time deal is also a recipe for a LOT of pressure.  I will need to find a way to manage that so I don't get myself all worked up and get sick or injured and miss it.  I keep questioning my song choice, too, I've been thinking about it for like a year now, I swear!  But I keep coming back to Low (Flo Rida) and I think that is still it.  Someday I'd love to have a chance to perform to a slower, sultrier song, but that takes even more skill and strength to do the moves more deliberately.  For now I'm going to stick with a high energy, faster paced routine.  Time to get rolling on the choreography, too, because the 8 week prep class will be put to much better use to practice the routine than to be fiddling around trying to come up with one.  That's not very far off!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Three Posts-

100 Days!

[If I knew enough about web stuff to do it I would insert a blood curdling scream from a Halloween CD here which would play loudly upon opening this post…]

I turn 40 in 100 days.  100 DAYS!!  I completely freaked out when it was 365 days away, and again when it was 300 days away, and yet…  Same situation, different excuses.  Same goals, shorter time available to work on them.  Same issues, same perfectly good solutions available.  Same lack of anything stopping me but myself.  Hmph…

The Catch 22-

Mind vs. Body.  Having time to one’s self to collect one’s thoughts and just “be”, vs. getting enough sleep to keep one’s body working better.  This is my continual dilemma.  I have some of my best thinking time either while running alone, or while up late after everyone else goes to bed.  Yet I am always tired and rarely get enough sleep, and tiredness makes me eat more junk.  The running thinking time is awesome, but it does not include the ability to record any of the thoughts I’m having, so sometimes my only writing time is late.  Hence when I go through periods of being even more tired I scarcely write (because I can’t use my work computer or time for blogging, either.)  Anyway, chances are that when you see me having written a particularly long or introspective post, it was put on there late at night, and I am probably struggling with being extra tired as a result!

Methodology Muddles and Fresh Notebooks

So, which way to go on reining in t he food control?  I’ve tried a bunch of methods, and they are all valid and can work great.  IF YOU DO THEM AND STICK WITH IT.  I am the only reason that the methods I have tried have failed.  Well, ok, trying to be less hard on myself, why they have not worked to get to me to my goals.  Weight Watchers, Sugar Addict’s Total Recovery, Biggest Loser, increasing protein, eliminating gluten and/or white flour/processed foods, plain ‘ole calorie counting and working out, all can do it, all have their merits.  All have in common reducing calories in some form of another, and in order to do so require documentation of intake.

Here’s where my weird perfectionism can get in the way:  I can’t stand writing down everything I’ve eaten/am about to eat on a bad, bingey sort of a day.  I hate to see it then, and I hate to see it glaring back at me later.  If I’m writing down what I eat, then it stands to follow that I’m eating better, eating less.  That always makes me stop writing if it isn’t true.  This also explains why, when packing up stuff to reduce the clutter in our place while it is on the market, I found a zillion little notebooks with about 5-6 pages written on them each.  And a gazillion more blank ones, each one waiting their turn for the inevitable “fresh start”.  Yikes!  How can I move past that?  How can I simply start writing, and continue to write, no matter what it is or how bad, so I can see it, face it, and fix it, even if it is only incrementally?  How can I re-energize myself after a bad eating day without getting that little bit of new notebook boost for a fresh start?  How can I admit so publicly to such neuroses without being told to get help, haha!  And let’s be clear, there is nothing wrong with getting or needing help, I’m just laughing at myself because so far, the main readers I have (that I am aware of, anyway) are people that know me.  Well, if you read this blog, you will reeeeally get to know me, like it or not!   ;)

Run Cat, Run!

A brief summary to catch you up:

I am officially retired from the wedding planning business.  Friends and family, I would still be happy to help you should such an event be on the horizon.  Friends of friends and friends of happy clients, sorry, you missed the boat.  I couldn't take that much time away from my family on weekends while also working full time.  It was a blast, I am proud to have created a business for myself, and was pleased with its success, but I am out.

I'm a little behind on my marathon training.  Not to the point of disaster yet, but I am absolutely up against the wall to run more often than I am doing in order to make my base more solid before I start ramping up.  I really don't want to have to cut the event back to the 10-miler option, I want the whole deal!

I've reached Level 6 in the pole dance classes.  (The tricks are getting very much harder, and they would be less so if I was lighter and stronger.)  Next stop, graduation performances.  Should fall sometime within February.  Very, VERY excited about this.

We're buying/selling a house.  Or, at least, we're trying.  We need more space, and it is time.  But the levels of extreme stress contained therein speak for themselves.

Food continues to be a hindrance in working on my weight loss goals.  The above mentioned stresses do not help.

It's light sooner in the mornings now, but I am tired and perpetually in a frazzled rush in the mornings.  It is almost fully dark as I pull into the driveway each day after work.  Weekends have been packed.  But there is one thing, one single, simple key thing which will help me to pull all the above pieces into place, and that is to run.  Not run away, tempting though that can be during a busy work day, but just run.  Run to meet my marathon goals, run to erase stress, run to clear my head, run to make my body have more energy when it is not running, and run to make my body crave healthier food.  Run, Cat, Run!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Moments of Clarity

So many things bring me moments of clarity.  A great workout.  An extra long hug.  An exceptional dance class.  Family snuggle time.  Being read to by a new reader.  These moments occur at least daily, and they make it easy to appreciate not only the things I love about my life and the people I value in it, but they also let me glimpse at times how I want things to be, how I can improve on an already satisfying life.   It should be easy to take those moments and hold on to them, and let them carry me through the day, right?  But it isn't so easy.  Being in the moment is hard to achieve, and it's a fleeting sensation.  Too many distractions, too many obligations, too many excuses.  Feeling frenetic has become a natural state of being, and it is not a healthy one.  This is my challenge.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


Ok, here's a really weird admission:  the latest celebrity who I aspire to look like, in a non-airbrushed, 20 years older, working mother, more realistic sort of a version, is Katy Perry.  And before you screech in horror let me caveat that by saying I know nothing, and I mean NOTHING whatsoever about her other than that she can kinda sorta sing some catchy, pop songs, and she got in trouble on Sesame Street for showing too much boobage to Elmo.  But she looks amazing!  Beautiful facial features, not an ounce of fat on her, and she has that classic pinup girl look with dark hair and light eyes.  Hey, I, too, have dark hair and light eyes!  Oh, but wait, that's where the similarities stop at the moment.

Maybe she's a rude bitch to her band, or stingy with tips in restaurants.  Maybe she has bad breath.  Maybe she's a vapid and has horrible political opinions, or worse yet, maybe she's hostile to animals and the environment!  Well, ok, probably not, but no one can be perfect, right?  So anyone who looks THAT GOOD has something else going on that is less than ideal, right?  RIGHT?!

What I do know is that she looks fantastic.  And that I aspire to look a shadow as good.  And that I need to aim high so I can achieve something decent in the process.  Fitness goals are key, but I need a visual goal, too.  Clearly she is making good decisions about what to put in her body and how to exercise it.  She may also be blessed with good genetics, but I think under it all I am to, so I can't make that an issue.  I know I don't look the way I want to simply because I don't treat my body (and at times my mind) the right way.  I know I exercise less than I'd like to and I definitely eat all sorts of crap that I shouldn't.  I bet Katy Perry doesn't.  I bet she is an eat-a-salad-every-day, go-for-a-run-in-the-mornings kind of a girl.  I bet if you tried to stuff an M+M in her mouth she'd spit it out.  So here's a thought:  from now on, if I find myself wavering about whether or not to eat one more Hershey's Kiss, whether or not I have time to squeeze in a run after dinner before I forget all about it and get into my jammies, I am going to start asking myself one question, in hopes of tipping the scales in the right direction:  What Would Katy Perry Do?

Thursday, September 23, 2010


Screwing up sucks.  Realizing how LONG you have been screwing up for sucks more.  And being called out for a duration or repetitive pattern of screwing up really stings the most, but can be helpful, too.  My last couple of posts have been about "hey, I'm off the horse," and "hey, I'm getting back on the horse," etc.  And months have gone by with little change and even less acknowledgement to myself of the problem/situation.  MONTHS now!

Today is the first day of Fall, my favorite season of the year.  The air turns crisp, the leaves turn gorgeous, football is back, the food and activities turn harvest-y, and the favorite holidays are just around the corner.  Plus, this time around over the next two weekends I have my final weddings of my wedding planning business, before I close that chapter and free up some space in my brain.

Since I last posted about any fitness events I've done a tri, I've skipped a tri, and I've registered for a marathon.  YET ANOTHER season of Biggest Loser has kicked off, and for the Nth time I don't want to stay on my couch eating and being tired and fat while the contestants shrink before my eyes and live the dream I want.  I should be doing the same thing.  I don't want my goals to continue to slip through my fingers.  I don't want to continue to live my life in a sugar-induced haze.  I don't want to keep having to "restart" my workout program from the bottom.  I don't want to put on a pole dancing graduation performance as the fat girl who knows how to move it well.  I don't want to turn 40 while feeling I am failing myself and not being happy with how I look and feel.  I don't want to walk 26 miles for my marathon, or worse yet have to cut it back to 10.  I don't want to go to Vegas as a major gift to myself at 40 for a renewal of my marriage vows and extreme celebration with my friends while feeling I have fallen short and still look and feel heavy.  I don't want to keep seeing pictures of myself that I don't recognize, because that is not how I look in my head.  I don't want to continue to flounder around, starting and stopping and running in a very small circle, all the while wishing I was living the life that I know I can but just don't seem to grasp on to with any strength or for very long.  I don't want to keep wondering when and how I will start becoming the person I know I am and want to return to being.  But when will I start wanting it enough?

Monday, July 26, 2010

Back In Focus

Ok, so I have stumbled around a bit for the past month or so, but I've got a few things in my favor for a refocus.  1) My goal is still in reach before a MAJOR milestone.  I can still lose the remaining 60 pounds I'd like to by my birthday, at a reasonable, albeit ambitious rate.  2) The husband is now on board, kicking off his own program with similarly momentous goals.  3) I don't know what three is, I just feel like all is going to be ok, eventually.  My dear and insightful friend has this book I'm looking forward to reading that apparently talks a lot about compulsive eating and the mind game of treating your body badly.  I expect this to be helpful.  Although I'm up too late on a Sunday night, the house is still in order with one room left to finish, laundry's clean and almost done being put away, and the kitchen is stocked with healthy food.  It's going to be a challenging week at work, but I'm going to do my best not to numb my way through it!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Things that I wish, in no particular order:

I wish I could make myself get more sleep, to recharge my body and mind without feeling like I was taking any time away from my child, my husband, and especially myself.

I wish we had enough financial stability not to have to think about it nearly as often.

I wish I could live in more temperate weather and embroiled in less vehicular congestion, without actually having to leave all the people and places in this area that I am so deeply rooted to. 

I wish that I wasn’t so emotionally over reactive to every little thing that comes up with my son, my husband, or our family life.  I’d like to be able to take the downs along with the ups of everyday life in stride a lot better.

I wish I didn’t feel so frenetic all of the time.  I think I genuinely have more things to do and focus on than I actually have time or brain space to manage all at once, and that feels unpleasant a lot.  I wish I could either find a way to either reduce those responsibilities and obligations, or at least reduce that sensation and perception.

I wish I was able to be more frugal with resources, both physical and financial, including things both expended and ingested.

I wish I could ignore what other people think, say, and do more, so I’d feel more comfortable in my own skin.

I wish I were a better and more patient parent.

I wish I could pare our belongings down to a much more austere and organized minimum, thereby making it easier to achieve and maintain a Zen like home.

I wish it did not seem so difficult to set aside the time and energy to pursue physical fitness to a much greater extreme.

I wish it was more common and acceptable to have only one child by choice, because it was an emotionally challenging decision that I’m constantly reminded sets me apart from the norm more far more often than I’d prefer.

I wish I was able to continually feel more connected to those closest to me than I sometimes get to, and that I did not feel so socially awkward around people that I’m not already close to.

I wish I was able to allow myself to feel bad feelings about anything and everything without feeling like I get mired in them, and without feeling so compelled to squelch them and soothe myself with unhealthy foods.

Ok, so these are some of the main, major things that weigh me down now and then.  I felt like getting them all out there might help.  We’ll see!  

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Here I am, standing at the edge of a precipice.  The distance down is a long way, but the landing place will be a rewarding one.  Jumping should be REALLY easy, just a little step and a big hop, right?  In fact, I've already taken a hop down a bit to get here!  So, what's holding me back?  I have tried to think about it, and I simply don't know.  I am so close to passing that point where I seem to have rooted myself and can't get past, yet a bit of success seems to have spooked me.  But why, why, WHY?  I can think of nothing more fantastic than achieving true health and happiness.  How could there be anything bad about that?  What I do know is it's me, holding myself back subconsciously.   Jumping is scary, sure, and I might get a few bumps and bruises along the way, but what I want is RIGHT DOWN THERE, I can see it.  It's a long way, but now that I took that first hop I can really, actually see the bottom, and it's lined with silk pillows.  So quit tap dancing and JUMP ALREADY!!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Where to Start?!

So much to talk about!  Right when something started “happening” with my weight loss goals and plans, I checked the rest of the way out of blogging about it for a while.  This is coincident with the fact that working out regularly takes away a little from the overall pile of my personal time.  I only figured that out because over the last two months I have failed to finish reading our book club selections, and I was reading up a storm before that.  Can’t seem to cut the “wasted” veg/relax time, especially since that overlaps with the hang out with the hubby time, definitely can’t cut any time from the kid, can’t stand things if I cut too much from the day-to-day household upkeep, so apparently that was what gave.  And our next book is a really long one and our club dinner is in 11 days.  Oops.

Since I have been unwilling to admit to exactly how much weight I had GAINED over this past awful winter and was no longer willing to talk concrete weight numbers, let’s just say that I am almost back to my “starting” weight.  (If you are asking yourself “which one?” then {{hugs}} to you, because you are definitely a long time reader.)  J  I am down 16 pounds and most of a dress size.  LONG, long way to go, of course, but a huge good start.  How did this finally start happening, you ask?!

On Wednesday, April 28, 2010, a figurative brick hit me over the head.  In my obsession about turning 40 next March, I had counted out the days leading up to that, and was calculating whether I could still reasonably reach my weight goals by the birthday, and the following day was the 300 days remaining mark.  Yes, I should seek therapy probably, but I’m telling you, that 300 days left before turning 40 was it for me.  You know how you always say you can’t stand it anymore, this is it, I have to change, etc., and then it passes?  Well, in the weight loss success stories you read about or shows you watch, there’s always something that was the final straw for people that have succeeded.  Usually in times past I’ve been sure I had reached that final straw, but then it wore off.  Apparently, this was really it for me, though, thank goodness.  The idea of turning 40 while feeling I look poorly and feel badly about my health and my body is all but unbearable, so I absolutely can not afford to miss this chance to fix it in time.

And because I was so afraid of letting a milestone opportunity for a big start pass by with the risk of failing a little on the first day and throwing in the towel mentally, I started the day before, to give myself a one day fail cushion.  Confident, aren’t I?  Now, I kicked some major ass at first.  I’m wearing a Bodybugg (Biggest Loser style) to calculate my calories burned during the day, and I had used the online program to figure out my weight loss total goals, planned rate of loss, timeline, etc., and determined that I wanted to be able to eat 1700 calories a day, and wanted to burn about 2600 calories a day, so I would be in a deficit of at least 900 calories a day, thereby burning not quite 2 pounds a week.  And I did just that!!!  For almost all of the time between April 28 and June 8, about 6 weeks total.

Then came Wednesday, June 9.  And Thursday, June 10.  A two-day conference for work, downtown, where I was cooped up and not able to bring full snacking supplies.  And then the weekend followed, wherein we celebrated my husband’s birthday.  And then the following week was my hormonally challenging week before my period, affectionately referred to as shark week, and it was a worse one than usual.  And then it was also a heavy period week, and the weather got hot, humid, and life force sucking.  And then we were travelling and hanging out with family.  And the result of all of those no-reason-to-be-excuses excuses is that over the last 20 days I have been on a skid, completely unraveled all the good habits I had formed, developed a taste for junk food again, and I feel like I am starting over.  (Luckily this has not caused much in the way of scale damage, but it sure is about to if I don’t catch it now!)  My mantra for success had been to try to have tunnel vision, and focus just on the 900 calorie deficit a day, but then I got away from that, and started looking at both the modest startup success and the daunting long way to go and it messed me up.

However, I can not afford to beat myself up about it.  I need to lose some of the confidence that emboldened me to let myself slip, but keep enough of it to know that I can and will continue to move forward.  I already made plans to run tonight, which of all the types of exercise I’ve been doing burns the very most calories.  I also can’t afford to let my physical training slip because my sprint triathlon (same as last year, in my home neighborhood) is coming up in a little under 5weeks.  !!!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

900 Calories

Hello, again.  The day of my last post, Wednesday, April 28, 2010, was the day before "T-minus 300" days until my 40th birthday.  And for whatever reason, on that day it all clicked together for me.  Armed with a Bodybugg (literally, it goes on my arm) like they use on The Biggest Loser, I have been experiencing some successful calorie math, making livable lifestyle adjustments, and enjoying a few resulting lost pounds.  My goals have been to face down this weight loss mountain ONE SINGLE DAY AT A TIME, so my goals are small, the results come quickly, and any slip ups are VERY short lived.  My goals have been to burn at least 2600 calories every 24 hours, to eat around 1700 calories, trying to only go over if I have also exceeded my burn, and ending up with a calorie deficit of at least 900 calories daily.  For the most part, each day since then I have actually done that.

Now, I've been writing about wishful and attempted weight loss for going on two years now, and I've had times of "starting" before where I've described the process of the light switch coming on, and about how I have wanted to "protect" the mental switch so nothing shuts it off.  And before, something always has (shut it off, I mean.)  But this time I am taking a whole different approach, because obviously I have to.  It's easy to slip sometimes into "I have lost x pounds in x days (or a month) and I have x more pounds to lose by x."  But this is the previous pattern which has consistently set me up for failure.  It's insurmountable, it's so long term, and it's so rigid.  Life can't be that way, and I've figured out that my usual all or nothing self has no realistic place in getting me to where I want to be.

I chose a dear friend to "report" my numbers to from the previous day each day, also.  Why?  Because, as I told her, failing privately and having the privacy to quit and/or not try is no longer an option, and never works for me.  I thought in the past that this blog might also be good for that, but as I appear to have few readers and even fewer willing to make comment, it's become more of a one-way sounding board for me.  And that's fine, I'm ok with that.  I'd like it if more people were reading, but I haven't gone too far out of my way to promote it.  I'm also not consistent with it, but I enjoy writing as though I'm telling someone what's inside my head, and I like sharing that stuff and having an ongoing record of my dialog.

Anyway, rest assured that this time a month of silence wasn't anything other than a month being put to good use, a stepping stone to returning to the healthier, more energetic, lighter, happier person I know I am, that's just been hiding under some stuff.  I'm going to continue to clear out that stuff, 900 calories at a time.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

He Hate Me

No, I am not talking about Rod Smart, although I’m pretty sure I’m one of the only people (and DEFINITELY the only girl!) who actually LIKED the XFL and was bummed it didn’t take.  No, I’m just talking about my kid.  Charming 4 and ¾ that he is, he is going through a weird stage where he is taking turns not liking us.  Friday eve and Saturday morning he spent some reeeeeally quality Daddy time, including getting to go watch airplanes practically landing on their heads at Gravelly Point Park, and they both reported nothing but happiness and peace.  Saturday afternoon and eve then, I gave Daddy some time off and was looking forward to an equally pleasant alone time with the boy. 

But then, out of nowhere, he turned on me.

And that was how the evening went, crabby boy, mommy trying to be nice and fun but not allowing bad behavior to go unchecked, and eventually resorting to taking the bedtime stories away (which is the one thing he can’t handle the loss of), and I was told in no uncertain terms that he didn’t like me.  Throughout the evening he kept asking where Daddy was, and he wouldn’t say good night to me after I tucked him in.  The kicker was, though, that the next morning it was like it never happened, and by the end of Sunday he decided he didn’t like Daddy and that Daddy was bad.  Completely unprovoked.  Go figure!

My Caps must hate me, too.  They’re killing me with the apparent lack of interest in doing well in the first round.  Wed. is Game 7 of Round 1, a position they should not be in!

On the health front, my exercise over the last week or so has consisted of this:

Tuesday:  brisk 1 hour lunchtime walk
Wednesday: sick from pollen, skipped pole class
Thursday: brisk 1 hour lunchtime walk
Friday: nothing
Saturday: make up pole class (a butt kicker!) and evening housework (up and down townhouse stairs)
Sunday: brisk 1 hour walk, followed by a whole day of active family time at not one but TWO spring festivals.
Monday: nothing
Tuesday: brisk 1 hour lunchtime walk, on which a goose that I was walking a little close to hissed at me.  Who knew a goose could hiss?

That sounds fairly lame, and it doesn’t include weights yet, but technically that’s 5 cardio workouts in 8 days.  Could be worse!  Now, if that chocolate would stop finding its way to my face...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

A Slice of Mid-Life Crisis Served with a Dollop of I-Don’t-Even-Know-What…

Regular readers (if I have any out there other than the one or two I know of), here I am, posting again.  Oh, a long absence, you say- must mean things aren’t going very well!  Indeed.  I read a book a few months ago written by a girl who lost over 100 pounds just on her own (entitled “Half-Assed”, I’ve probably already mentioned it) and who blogged about it on the way, as have many other success stories that I’m hoping to emulate.  She said that in the weight loss blogging world, it is widely known that people who disappear from writing for a time almost ALWAYS have fallen off the wagon.  Well, folks, I might need to change my analogy there, because I have fallen off (and stayed off) the wagon so many times I would not have any intact bone structure left were it a reality.  Perhaps a kinder terminology can be created for me, like “taking a break.”

-complete tangent here- Do you know and love the late, great, George Carlin?  That idea reminds me of his bit on the differences between baseball and football.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check it out.

Anyway, I’m back for now, and I’m seeming to be in more of a mental fuddle than ever!  The previous concept I started of “39 to Happiest to 365” is definitely still in the cards, but I need to come back on board first of all, and secondly I need to count the days differently.  I was absolutely losing track of which day it was when I wasn’t posting often enough, and it was a pain to recount.  Maybe it would strike more fear and understanding in me to see the days ticking DOWN to the big day of reckoning rather than upward.  T-minus 307 days today, for example.  And then each time I check in with myself I can do the math as to how fast I would have to lose to meet my “deadline”- always touted as an unhealthy way to look at it, but I can’t help it, that’s how I roll.  I’m still able to meet my ultimate goal at this point by losing an average of about pound every 4 days.  The max recommended usually to do realistically and safely is 2 pounds a week, so this week is pretty much the moment of truth for me.  I’m still good there, but if I don’t get going asap, I’ll be looking at meeting my goal past when I want to, which is a pretty defeating position to be in mentally.

As far as the mid-life crisis thing, I think I’m only going to delve into it in a piecemeal fashion here and there on this blog, for now.  It feels like a huge can of worms spewing out everywhere when I bring it up, so I need to sneak up on it, and just pick at it, gradually.  Suffice it to say that it comes and goes, but toward the end of last week it felt like it was in a full rage.  And then it let up over the weekend.  And later this week it's kinda back on again.  So many issues to talk about, but so little time, stay tuned…

(P.S. I have been exercising since Saturday or so- I had a make up pole dancing class that kicked my ass on Saturday, I took thousands of trips up and down my townhouse stairs carrying piles and boxes Sunday while purging the house of excess stuff, which made me feel almost as light as having lost real weight, went for a jog Monday eve, and went for a very long and very brisk walk at lunch Tuesday, which I topped off with walking up the 8 flights of stairs to my office. (That part was a mistake, I was gasping like a fish on land!)  But then pollen and a sick kid got me, so I’ve missed a couple days since…

Sunday, March 14, 2010

A Guilt Trip to Udvar-Hazy

Today I had a bad mom moment.  My sweet boy has a couple of unhealthy habits that that won't seem to die even after a couple of years of hassling him about them.  So, no need to discuss the specifics, but this morning he was doing one of those things and I snapped a little and yelled at him pretty sharply, without even building up to it.  Naturally he got really upset, but his being sad about it really lingered more than I expected, and we had a long chat about it.  Apparently he remembers me yelling at him some other times too, and this time he couldn't seem to get over being sad about it.  I felt like such a mean bad mommy.  :(  

After lunch, to make amends, I took him to one of his very favorite places, the Udvar-Hazy Center, or as we call it "the Airplane Museum" (it's the overflow extension of the Smithsonian's Air and Space Museum, and it's awesome.)  We looked at tons of planes including a Stealth and the Concorde, plus helicopters, gliders, rockets, and the crown jewel, the Space Shuttle, which is his current favorite thing to simulate/play with at home, and he even digs watching the footage of previous launches on YouTube.  Then we shared an ice cream cone and I bought him a space shuttle model to take home.  Geez, that was some pretty expensive guilt!  Luckily that doesn't happen often (I can't remember any previous examples ever, in fact,) because I do not want my only child to turn out a spoiled brat...  I think we both feel better now, but I need to improve my patience so it doesn't happen again!

39 to Happiest in 365: Days 9 and 10 (out of order)

This is old now, but I still wanted it in here for the record:

I feel terrible today (Thurs.  March 11)!  Absolutely terrible.  I have a headache, I feel a little jittery, I am extremely tired despite an extra long night’s sleep (because it was a poor one), and I am having trouble focusing on important things like work... 

Yesterday (Wed. March 10) I had my pole dance class, and it goes in 8 week sessions at each level.  The levels go from 1-6 initially, and I made it to about halfway through Level 4 last year before getting a hip injury and having to quit for a while.  At the time I was still struggling with some of the moves being beyond my shoulder strength level, and I was also working on trying to get into better shape but was a long way from there.  Well, now after a winter of snow, illnesses, snow, illnesses, more snow, and more illnesses, I’m pretty frightfully out of shape.  Last night was the first night back at Level 2, and my instructor went apeshit with an uber-intense cardio pace!  I love it, but during the class it was a miracle I didn’t throw up, and almost immediately afterward I could feel the lactic acid building- which is to the point of me moving slowly and feeling almost ill from it today.  I crashed out at 9:00, which is exceptionally early for me, and I slept really poorly… 

Additional contributing factors to how poorly I feel today are allergies, and my cycle.  I let my allergy shots get behind over the winter to the point that they expired and I have to start over now, and even though it’s only been less than a week of spring-like weather, I am already a fountain of post nasal drip.  To top it off, I am in the latter half of my monthly cycle, which in recent years has caused me to be progressively more tired and lower energy

However, on the bright side, I’ve still been doing well the last couple days with calorie intake.  Not going to pat myself on the back yet until like a month or so has gone by, but I’m pleased with myself.

39 to Happiest in 365: through Day 12

(Days 9 and 10) I wrote a post and left it in a different computer- I'll have to post those later.)

Wednesday I didn't have anything major to report, but it was a good calorie deficit day.  I had eaten healthy all day, then my pole class whipped me to the point of passing out at 9:00.  Brutal.

Thursday I was feeling really beat and low energy, but kept the calories low enough despite not working out.  No major revelations.

Day 11 (Friday, March 12) I had a really productive day at work, had lunch out with a coworker and his fiancee to discuss their wedding plans, and topped the day off by an evening playing Rockband for the first time ever with the husband and a bunch of our friends.  It was amazing fun!  I belted out some songs through these rusty old pipes, and really dug playing the drums, too.  I didn't finish out the calorie count for the day, but all the standing around singing and working the arms and leg drumming was certainly a better burn than laying on the couch would have been!

Day 12 was our "Second Saturdays" dinner with our newly formed supper club/book club group.  It's us and two other couples, and I look forward to it all month now!  I didn't count calories today.  I ate relatively low to leave room for the dinner, and then I relaxed and enjoyed myself.  It was a smashing success!  The theme was "Ides of March", and everybody made fabulous food, we had good wine, and I thought my table decor wasn't half bad, either.  I figure if I really am good with my calories most days of the month and especially if I get my workouts ramped up more, I'll be fine with one day a month of eating a little more than normal.  The important thing is not to have such days lead into not doing well the next few days after so it doesn't become a slide.

Sunday or Monday I plan to weigh in and discuss the results.  I'm not going to talk about my actual weight number until it's back down to one I am comfortable sharing, but I'll tell you how much I'm down.

(I know this post wasn't particularly deep or revealing, but I am at least forcing myself to catch up so as not to get back out of the habit again already.)

To Daylight Savings:  Welcome, dear friend, I love you!  One of the happiest days every year, you truly put your stamp on making Spring feel real.  You bring new light to the end of the day and I consider loaning you an hour of my time until the fall a small price to pay for such joy.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

39 to Happiest in 365: Day 8

Hm.  I've had two days of relative success in eating my targeted amount of calories, and in squeaking by burning barely enough.  No, I'm not working out hard daily yet as I need to be, but the food is a huuuuge start.  Two days is way too early to even be cautiously optimistic, but I feel good about it, anyway.  Have plenty to talk about but it's late, and I never seem go to be early enough.  Last night was a sleep disaster due to the small boy throwing up randomly in the middle of the night.  Thankfully it appeared to be an isolated incident, but it made for a sucky night nonetheless.  Being too tired at work is the perfect storm for terrible junk food benders for me, so I need to nip it in the bud and hit the hay.  'Nite.

Monday, March 8, 2010

39 to Happiest in 365: Day 7

Monday, March 8, 2010.  It’s been just about a week since my 39th birthday, but for me, this is the real Day 1 in terms of my readiness to commit to do this thing, this year, for once and for all, so that I don’t freak out and think I am a hopeless wreck when I turn 40 in 358 days.  So many factors come into play for me in terms of the planets aligning for my “readiness”, and although they are different each time, that feeling is crucial in getting started.  I had a very relaxing and enjoyable weekend.  It finished up the last of the birthday celebrations for me.  It was warm and sunny the entire weekend, and I truly believe this was the turning point for it being spring, finally.  There may still be a colder, windier day here or there this month, but as a whole, as far as I am concerned, it is over (the worst winter ever) and spring is here.  Period!  I’m not going to wear scarves as all day fashion anymore, I put my two pairs of boots away that my feet hid in all winter, and I put my heavier barn coat away in favor of my lighter trench coat.  I even tossed out my beat up old purse and moved into one that has flowers on it, haha, it doesn’t get any “springier” than that, does it?  (It was adorable when the boy went to throw something away this morning, and asked me “Mommy, why did you throw your purse away?”  I loved that purse, it was one of my favorite colors, a bright apple green, but it was a mere 20 bucks from Target, and apparently daily use starting in October gave it a shelf life of about 5 months.  Ah, well.  I have a gorgeous more sturdy Coach, but I don’t like getting it quite so beat up as that.)  The best part of winter being over is that Daylight Savings kicks in next Saturday.  O joyful day, the lights are coming back on! 

Anyway, spring is here, and with that comes facing up to the bod that has been wrapped up for the last few months.  I gained and lost but mostly gained this winter, for a net increase of 15 pounds.  Yikes, as if I wasn’t starting from the bottom of a tall enough mountain; I had to dig a deeper hole from which to begin!  None of my short sleeve tops, which I stocked up on in a bigger size last year, mind you, fit me.  None.  Nada.  Couldn’t even button most of them.  That hurts.  Plus I think my neck is looking decidedly fatter, hello slight double chin that I never had before (those stupid camouflaging scarves were letting me get away with it!) 

Did I mention that a couple of weeks ago a colleague at work asked me if I was pregnant?  What a horror show- I could write a whole long post about that, but I was too humiliated at the time to wallow in it, so I chose not to.  I talked to some of my closer co-workers about it, though, and they reassured me that I don’t look blatantly pregnant (but they sure are wrong if I slouch just right, the tummy is where I hold my extra weight), and that we thought everyone knew the code that you never ask a woman that question unless there is actually a baby crowning out of her!

Now down to brass tacks: the math:
75 pounds in approximately 1 year.
Approximately 1.5 pounds a week average rate to get there.
Required deficit of 750 calories per day average to do that.
Therefore, I will be attempting to eat approximately 1800 calories a day or less and burn 2550 calories a day or more, give or take.

If you read this blog regularly and have for some time now, you know I’ve made these starts and decrees before.  A lot of times.  Ad nauseum.  Sometimes I made it a couple of weeks, sometimes I only made it a couple of hours.  Please, please, if you believe in any kind of higher power, pray for me to succeed this time.  I feel like it is kind of a last resort, because I can’t keep going on like this, and I find the thought of turning 40 without feeling healthy, fit, and good about myself to be verging on tragic, not that it should be but that is where my head is at.  If you don’t believe in anything spiritual, at least cross your fingers and wish me luck, I need it!

39 to Happiest in 365: Days 5 and 6, and a big decision...

Day 5, Saturday, March 6, 2010.  A day of relaxing, which is unusual for us.  I got a little bit done around the house while the boy was away for the day, including assembling my business tax info, but literally laid around half the day reading, too.  So did the husband, which was nice- he rarely does something like that, either, and he seemed much more relaxed than usual as a result!  Often that kind of extended relaxing makes me feel more stressed later for all the things I didn't "get done", but this time it was just right.  I finished a book that I adored, called "Shelter Me".  It's a novel about a mother of two young kids, including a boy my son's age and a not quite a year old baby, who has become a widow, and it goes through her life and coping in the first year without her husband.  Sounds sad and not entertaining, but it was totally one of those laughing out loud with a tear in your eye types, very heart warming in the end, I loved it.

I've been reading a lot lately, I read Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass in a day Thursday, in preparation for seeing the movie Friday night.  I definitely had mixed feelings about both the book and the movie.  VERY glad I read it first, mind you, or the movie would have been that much weirder.  It just was a very weird story, just like the books, and not a substantive enough plot to stand up to the cool characters and visuals.  Love the queen, love the Hatter, and love the Cat.  But overall, to weird for too long to be a full length movie, I thought.

Anyway, after the relaxing day, we had a super enjoyable and yummy belated birthday dinner for me at my parent's house.  I ate plenty of prime rib, scalloped potatoes, and cake, but I had been austere in my eating all day in anticipation.

Day 6, Sunday, March 7, 2010.  Another day of not too much, which is so refreshing!  We even finally got to the gym all together as a family, which made me very, very happy.  Got in a workout, had lunch out after, and even ran into our friends who we probably would have been having lunch with if we didn't think their kid was too sick, which was hilarious.  Eating was not too terrible, and I actually thought through this week's meals and feel kinda ready to really buckle down more and get to this weight loss thing.  I hope I mean it.

I had plenty of time to sort out some thoughts inside my head this weekend, and actually it gave me a chance to think through something that I feel very good and happy about.  It's about my wedding business.  I thoroughly enjoy the planning and coordinating of weddings, and I felt and will always feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment in having started a business.  It's something I never even knew I would want to do, and I have impressed myself all along the way in how readily I was able to learn the process, as well as grow my contacts and clients.  However, the circumstances in my life when I started the business were significantly different that they are now, and I am committed to my family and my primary full time career first and foremost.  As you can imagine, this doesn't leave a whole  lot of extra time, and both the time commitment and the finances of keeping this business at the hobby level just don't make it wise to continue in an official capacity.  This year I have a number of clients booked in the Spring and Fall (and have had to turn away several more!)  I am also extremely looking forward to helping a friend at work plan his wedding for later this year.  But I have decided that after 2010 I am not going to keep my business active any longer or book any more clients, and that doesn't give me any sadness or pause.  It is a chapter I am proud to have written in my life, and I will continue to actively involve myself in helping of weddings of friends and family should the occasion arise.  Perhaps I will revisit being a business owner when I retire from my govt. career in about 15 years!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

39 to Happiest in 365: Day 4

Friday.  Thank GOODNESS!!!  Not getting enough sleep SUCKS, especially when it is followed by a day of work, and worse, when THAT is then followed by something fun that I’m going to be tired for.  WHY DO I DO THAT TO MYSELF?!?!?!  Being tired makes it harder to focus at work, which leads to stress by getting behind.  Being tired and stressed tooooootally makes me want to eat, and not a pile of veggies, mind you.  And the pile of junk food which raises energy for like 15 minutes then proceeds to suck the life out of me for the rest of the day.  UGH!!!!!!!

However, on the bright side, it is almost the weekend!  I have a makeup pole class scheduled for tomorrow, and I’ve promised the boy I would take him to the gym on Sunday.  I have a bunch of boy-free time tomorrow to get caught up around the house, including planning some healthy meals for the week.  IN ADDITION, it is supposed to be warm out this weekend and getting warmer generally.  The kicker?  My dear friend Daylight Savings is already almost here- kicks in one week from tomorrow.  Glorious!!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

39 to Happiest in 365: Day 3

Pleeaah.  That about sums it up for today.  A roller coaster of a few positive steps mixed with plenty of setbacks, as usual, and then settling into the midmorning of a workday to the feeling of the “pleeaahs”.  What do I mean by this?  You know; a fizzling of one’s energy, a desire to settle into one’s own comforting and usually self-destructive ways. 

Last night I did get in a good, hard workout at my pole class.  It felt exceptionally refreshing.  Unfortunately, though, I also followed it up with a pretty substantial dessert of leftover birthday stuff.  Then this morning I felt completely bloated, presumably from all the stuff I shouldn’t have been eating yesterday.  That’s a crappy way to start the day, but it does demonstrate the very immediate contrast to how I’ve been feeling upon waking up after a day of better eating.  I’ve got to focus on wanting to avoid that bloated gross feeling on a more daily basis, since the long term goals don’t have so much quick payoff.  That focus was enough to get me to go buy and eat a very healthy breakfast, which is an improvement from most days, but then by mid-morning it had fizzled out.

My workout plans for another makeup pole class tonight have been changed, so I’m going to have to consider sucking it up and doing a workout video at home.  I am not enthused by this.  Hermph…

Did I mention that the warm, happy fun ball known as the sun is actually visible in the sky today and lighting up the world?  I sooo need that.  The occurrences of sunny days have become much too few and far between this winter, and are therefore quite noteworthy.  I must roll up my sleeves at lunch and go soak some up!

As a footnote, I did in fact get some sun at lunch, but it was in the form of hanging my head out the car window like a dog, because it was too cold to be all the way outside.  Also, on an unrelated note, coming down from a day too high in sugar makes for one crabby mommy at the boy's bedtime.  The kid is 4, after all, it's not completely unreasonable that he act like it now and then, especially when HE is tired.  I suck.  And no, I am not going to get up and workout, either.        Ah, well, tomorrow is another day!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Inspirational Dr. Seuss

Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you!
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way.
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose.
And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed.

39 to Happiest in 365: Days 0-2

Day 0, Monday March 1, 2010.  The day before my birthday.  I took a “starting” weight, which is still reflective of a significant weight gain this winter, but is gratefully down 5 pounds from before the tummy ills.  And although I have been frank about my actual numbers in the past, I have gotten past the point of a comfort level on that for now.  I will continue talking about amounts of losses (or hopefully not gains), but not reveal true numbers for a while until I’m back in success mode and down a bit.  Suffice to say I have between 65 to 70 pounds or so to lose, which sounds like an outrageous amount, but luckily I don’t think I look as oversized as that sounds.  Unless I am kidding myself, which I may very well be.  J

Still felt like I was recovering from the now a week ago illness.  Tired.  Less appetite than I’m accustomed to (not a bad thing!)  Wanted to punk out of a late night hockey game, partially out of tiredness, and partially out of laziness that has taken hold from a winter of continually either being sick or snowed in.  A friend on the team forcefully encouraged me to go, however, and I was glad I did.  It felt sooooooo good, refreshing, cleansing, therapeutic, and other positive adjectives to get a hard workout in.  No goals scored this year like on a previous birthday, but I played well nonetheless.

Day 1, Tuesday March 2, 2010.  My birthday.  (And Dr. Seuss’ birthday, which gives me a great deal of delight every year!)  I am now 39 years old, for the first time.  Friends and family all checked in with kind words, as did a ton of random HS and college Facebook friends.  Got a card signed by all my coworkers.  I do enjoy the extra attention, even though I feel weird about aging.  I did indulge in some junk food, although not in obscene portions.  Today was also the first time that, although I was tired from the late night after hockey, I no longer feel like I am tired from being sick anymore, and food seems much more appetizing.  Crazy that it took that long!  My sweet honey made me homemade pizza and my little pumpkin helped me make brownies.  I didn’t get to watch Biggest Loser yet as we were catching up on other things, but watch Lost, which I hate to see ending.  All in all a very nice day.

Day 2, Wednesday March 3, 2010.  Back to the grind.  Overslept out of lazy tiredness this morning, but chose to bite the bullet and still shower and fix myself up properly instead of doing a “patch” job, despite ending up late for work as a result.  I always feel better when I look better, and it gave the kid a few more minutes at home, which he appreciated.  Nutritionally today will be a challenge, as I enjoyed lots of yummy bad snacks yesterday, and have plenty left over today to answer the hankering for them.  A long-awaited return to pole class tonight will be my redemption!  The only cloud over that parade is that I missed most of this session, and it is already the week 8 graduation.  I already learned all the moves in the past, but haven’t eased back into shape as was part of the purpose of backtracking, and further I will absolutely not remember the routine.  Although I typically prefer poles in the front of the class, tonight I shall hang in the back!

Family Contentment

So, often I've talked (and talked, and talked, and talked!) with various friends over the last 2-3 years about the issue of my contentment with our family size. To summarize, the husband and I always wanted more than one child, yet upon having our sweet boy and the ensuing wild ride that followed, based on the challenging pregnancy and tough baby that he was, the age of ourselves that we waited until to become parents, the toll it took on us for the first couple of years, the age and physical condition I am in now, and the financial balance we currently have, we have decided (and repeatedly confirmed) to ourselves that we are keeping with our one sweetie, and that our family is complete at three. Now that decision has not come simply and without emotional struggle, mind you. It is the absolute societal norm to have two, and in our area it trends more to three. Hubby grew up with a brother, and he always expected he'd want two or three of his own (I joked with him early on that the only way he'd get three kids from me was if the second baby was twins.) I grew up an only child, and although I loved it and feel well adjusted due to fantastic parents, I do wish at times that I had adult siblings in my life, and I definitely had always planned to have two kids.  

Nevertheless, it has been extremely clear to both of us for a couple of years now that this is it for us, and we are confident that it is the only decision that is right for us. Naturally there is a little bit of emotional "loss" to be felt in changing one's life plans that way, and we've shared with each other that nagging feeling on more than one occasion. It doesn't change our resolve, but it does hurt just a tiny bit. I get pangs from time to time when being reminded that few kids his age are without younger (or older) siblings, when people ask if we are going to have another, as all of our friends were having their seconds a couple of years ago, and as I see pregnant mommys holding their little one's hands. 

Well, I think that my way of dealing with it had been to talk about it. A LOT. With various friends, but especially with one or two in particular. I think at times I brought it up so much that I confused the hell out of my friends and made it seem like I might change my mind or that I was looking for some sort of validation. But I'm discovering that phase was and is just part of a gradual process of mourning the idea of a larger family. Just two weeks ago we were asked the question point blank by a doctor, and confirmed aloud to her our decision to stop at one. Which triggered he and I talking about it again, later, further confirming it. And that night I took a big step forward in acceptance, as I randomly started sobbing about it, right in the middle of something totally unrelated. It was a good, hard, releasing cry, and a positive step forward for me in acceptance of what I know we need. Yet another step just happened today- It just came to me this morning and I'm very excited about this one. You know those cartoony family stickers everyone has on their cars, the stick figure characters showing the happy combo of kids/pets in the family? Well, I've always adored those, yet always been a tiny bit saddened by them, too, because I thought it would look kind of strange with the two parent figures and one lone kid, looking somehow unfinished and not even to be capped off by a cat or dog due to my allergies. Well, I finally figured it out, and I just ordered my stickers, which I will now be able to post happily in the window with a clear statement about our family. The sweet, happy little boy sticker will be flanked by two smiling parent stickers, one on each side. Looking clearly finished and self contained, in a happy threesome. :)

Sunday, February 28, 2010

39 to Happiest in 365

This winter sucked ass.  There's just no other good way to put it.  The weather and my family's collective health has taken a substantial toll on me, and I am beyond overjoyed to be kicking February to the curb.  With that comes March, and with that comes by birthday, the one before the one that's been bugging me.  39.  I have one year of important achievements ahead of me, because I can't bear the thought of turning 40 with so much that I'd like to improve upon in my life, most of which being completely within my control.  Top of the list is the ever-present elephant in this blog, my desired weight loss, but it's so much more than that.  It's taking better care of myself, and having better regard for what I put in my body.  It's having the discipline to be better organized and prepared for and during daily life.  It's having more energy and being a more patient parent.  I'm down to one year to improve upon those things before the big 4-0, and I feel like one large step toward keeping these things at the top of my priority list this year would be to take daily steps in that direction and discuss my progress once or more a day.  I'd like this 365 day self-improvement project to succeed, and I'd like to share my experience, and the outcome, with anyone who's interested.  I'm debating whether to separate it from this very personal blog and advertising it more widely to general readers, or just to plod along with the one I've already got set up and make my entries here.  Whatever I decide I'll let you know.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The Snowpocalypse

I realize I've been complaining a lot lately, but I simply can't help it at this point.  Just as I am starting to recover some energy from the eternal cold, eager to get back on the working out horse, we get the snowpocalypse of 2010.  Might be the biggest snowstorm in this area, on record, ever.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful for something so interesting, pretty, and potentially fun, but I have no further interest in being trapped in winter hell.  Over it!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Groundhog Day

As endearing as a national tradition surrounding a big cuddly-looking groundhog may be, that little rat correctly predicts more crappy winter to come every single year, and it kind of annoys me a little. I am 38 years old (for another month, anyway), and I think we’ve only had an unusually milder winter resulting in his prediction of an early spring once in my lifetime. I hate winter. I hate dark, I hate cold, and although in theory snow is pretty and fun, in reality it upsets the fragile balance of my work/daycare schedule and makes the roads dangerous if you’re forced to be out on them. Since I don’t get the time and freedom to go sledding anymore, no thanks, I’d rather be without it. Of course, I do love a few moments of wonder outside in it with my sweet boy, but he’s pretty quick to enjoy it, get too cold, and want to go right back inside.

Bill Murray’s rendition of Groundhog Day made me a laugh a lot in college, but sadly is indicative of how I’ve been feeling about myself and my life lately. It’s kind of a circular treadmill. If I could just get my sh*t together, I could accomplish so much more. Take better care of myself and my health, lose the weight, be a better parent and wife, etc. But instead every day I wake up much like Bill Murray did, stuck in the same day, irrespective of what improvements I had planned on the previous day. Tired, unprepared, flustered, late. Leading me to eat poorly, feel tired, struggle with patience at home and work, not feel like exercising, etc. Oh, and did I mention I’m sick? On my 9th day of a miserable cold, and I have a sick kid and husband too. Wheeeeeee!