Monday, March 30, 2009

Staying Motivated for More Than 2 Hours at a Time is Crazy Hard Work!

And I'm still not entirely confident that I can figure out a way to sustain it. I need to believe I can do it. I FREQUENTLY have flashes of my killer results and I am also constantly thinking of my good reasons for having these goals and how AMAZING it will feel to be so dramatically much healthier and look that good, but then after a couple of hours of living, it's easy to get distracted by life and not always think that way every second. I want so much to move it to the next level and count my food points, so I can continue dropping the weight and increase the speed and success of it, but I've started and not finished counting the day about 4-5 times in the last week. None of the days were awful, I just petered out and ate "normally" instead of figuring it out. Despite having lost the first 5 pounds that way, it's not likely to go much further without dedicated action. Plus, I'm hoping to get into a more aggressive workout schedule, but I'm constantly allowing myself to be derailed. For 2 or 3 weeks I was sick, now that I'm not I fit it in yesterday on the weekend, but the weekdays seem sooo daunting and filled with zillions of other things I need to take care of, in addition to myself. Including other parts of taking care of myself like getting my allergy shot. Now that I'm writing this it sounds like an excuse, and I really don't have any that are worthy of merit. Sickness, gone, excuses, long since out the window.

I did fall prey last night to one definite contributor to the sensation of not feeling like I'm in enough control of my life or being able to "fit it all in", and that is staying up reeeeally late. The two time suckers that can cause this are computer time (particularly Facebook and email in general) and TV. Last night TV was the vice of choice. I can't imagine banning myself from TV entirely, but I have told myself before I need to cut back, and I need to try that again. My "goals" for the weekday evenings are to mostly enjoy the company of my little pumpkin and my sweetie and only deal with dinner and superficial stuff like tidying up while the boy is awake. This should include having him help tidy up the toys before we go upstairs. Then after we enjoy our family time and he's in bed it's supposed to be about 1 hour of "getting it done", be that working out some days, wedding business or scrapbook catch up the other days. SO ideal but this rarely happens. Unless I have a deadline and then I'm up 'til 1:30 printing and addressing invitations. And then I'd like to be ready and in bed by 10:30, to read a little and fall asleep either after a few minutes or no later than 11. This sounds so achievable when I see it in print! It does require starting his bedtime early enough, which works out fine when we do it, and not feeling like I hit the wall with tiredness after putting him down and sinking into the couch for the remainder of the evening. I need this, so much! If I could just do that, then it might become possible to workout in the mornings. Right now my mornings consist of waking up realizing I've hit snooze 6,000 times, scrambling to find stuff for me and the kid to wear (which could easily be set out the night before), scrambling to get ready with too little time, looking for all of the stuff I/we need for the day (also fixable the night before), wondering what I can do for lunch (AGAIN with the night before), and then usually being a few minutes late. I don't enjoy living like that, and it's simply not necessary. Being all prepared would make me feel so much more Zen, for lack of a better word, and I swear it would change a lot about my energy level and sensations of being overwhelmed a lot of the time.

I am out to convince myself that I can do it. One, I WILL write my points for one whole day and see what happens! Two, I will over the course of this week begin to implement my evening plans. Three, I will work out at least one time this week in addition to my pole class, it doesn't matter when. Weekend-only fitness isn't going to cut it. Go, me, you can do it!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Fantastic Run/Walk Workout

Finally, I am starting to feel better! The last two nights I didn't feel nearly as tired as I have been all week (although I napped most of the afternoon yesterday), and this morning I realized I have not been coughing as much this weekend as I had been the past 2-3 weeks, either. I must actually be on the mend! So, because I have not worked out all week as I had planned (other than my pole class), I was determined to do a good one today, and I wanted to enjoy being outside in the nice weather, too. (Actually, when I planned to go this afternoon after a busy morning I was hoping the nice cool mist would continue, but by the time I went it was hot sun, then became clouds and breeze, a couple of thunder rumbles chased me home, and not two minutes after I got in the front door the sky ripped open with giant raindrops. Then 10 minutes later the sun was back. What the hell with the weather?!)

Anyway, I power walked for 10 minutes to warm up (0.6 mile), then ran for 16 minutes (1.34 miles), then power walked for another 10 minutes up a moderately steep hill (0.6 mile), then ran for 11 more minutes (0.9 mile), then a cool down walk for 4 minutes back to the house. (I use to calculate the distances, I love it. You can even view the topography of your route.) Now I feel amazing! My lungs held up, my legs held up, and although it was exhausting I already feel the surge of endorphins kicking in. Ahhhhhhh. :) (Note to self, though- now that I've seen the distance, I know I could push it further to have slightly longer distances.) Some time in the next week I would like to go run on a track so I can really push my maximum, just to see where I am at. Very satisfied with my progress, though, especially since the commitment to it has been spotty at times!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Fattest Girl in the Class

Your first reaction to that title might be geez, that girl needs to start off by getting a better self image! After all, a lot of what I read including from trainers on the Biggest Loser (like Jillian, who trains me in my head sometimes) says that it can't be that you have to lose weight to feel good about yourself, but rather, you need to feel good about yourself to facilitate losing weight. So, Wednesday night was the last night of Level 1 of my pole dancing class, and as part of that we did the routine we have learned for the teacher and other classmates, in two groups, to "graduate." I had fun and did a decent job, although I did better in practice. And there's one spin that my shoulders just do NOT support me for, but I was able to eek it out once to look half decent, so that was cool. What struck me in watching everyone else, however, is two things. One, I am, by far, the heaviest girl in this class. I had noticed it before, but it stood out more, for some reason, this time. In my intro class there were older and fatter women than me, but not in this class, and we are going to be staying together on the same night with the same teacher, who has an amazing physique, as we move on up through the levels, so that won't likely change, except as I may change it. Anyway, the second thing I have noticed, based on the group discussion on the first day, as well as how people dress, carry themselves, and comment about themselves, particularly when being put on the spot, is that I have more confidence in myself and a better body image than almost all of the other girls. They're all cute and slender and embarrassed about themselves, what is up with that?! The only other person who's got confidence besides the teacher is the really tall girl, she too carries herself well and is proud of her body. I wouldn't say I'm proud of my overweight body as it looks currently per se, but rather I am aware of its positive features, I am proud of the underlying figure that I am striving to uncover, because I KNOW it looks good in there somewhere, and I guess the most important factor is I am comfortable in my own skin. I am wearing cute small (style, not size) workout clothes, and letting myself really get into the dance without feeling self conscious, because my confidence in who I am and what I can do does not stem from what I look like. I'm confident enough to talk to the other girls, admit what I can and can't do, and because I'm comfortable standing in the front the other girls in my group were grateful to have someone to watch. I'm pretty proud of that.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The First 5 Pounds...

...have eeked themselves off! I weigh 195 pounds now. (This does not count the EXTRA 5 I gained and then lost since starting at 200 pounds.) And, weirdly enough, this small amount actually makes a difference in how my clothes fit. How'd I do it? Well, I've been exercising more, especially with my weekly pole dancing class, and occasionally running except as thwarted by my recent bout of illness. That pole dance class is no joke- and it's not like other forms of cardio aren't just as good a workout, but this makes me move muscles I never do otherwise, especially in the midsection. And although I've not been too regular at the gym I have been doing arm weights with dumbbells at home here and there. Food-wise I'm not being totally austere yet, but after cutting out the hoards of chocolate and eating less overall with making better food choices most of the time, it is gradually working for those early, often water weight, easiest pounds. It won't continue that way, but I'm grateful for the start. Now, before those of you who struggle with weight loss even more than me fly off the handle (especially my one dear friend who will want to kill me after she reads this) you must know that I have an advantage in the weight I need/want to lose. And that advantage is, I'm apple fat. As in, you know the body profile comparison where they say most women have their extra weight primarily in their butt, hips and thighs, and most men carry it in their middle (see any man with a beer gut that looks pregnant)? Well, I'm apple fat, like a man. And the advantage of apple fat is it burns off easier than pear fat. (The disadvantage is it'll kill you much more easily.) Also, the reason I wear size 16 (that is now too big, but I'm not comfortably into a 14 yet) is because of my middle, needing a wider waistband, only, the rest of pants that big are too much fabric and make me look goofy. It's been a problem.

Anyway, it's not implausible that I'd get away from weighing 200 simply by not doing the things that got me up to that weight. However, even when I wasn't quite as bad with my eating, I still weighed somewhere between 190-193 pounds, so I suspect that when I get to that number my body will see it as a setpoint and try to settle there, without a further push to fully count my food intake by WW points. For now, I'm relieved to have gotten the first 5 out of the way, and hopeful that this small success will push me forward to continue, instead of making me complacent and slipping back as has sometimes happened with prior success. Only between 9-11 more 5 pounds' to go! ;)

Thursday, March 12, 2009

How Can Hormones be So Cruel? (And so Fickle?)

So, here I am, wanting so desperately to lose this weight so my happy life can be so much the more enjoyable with better health, better looks, more energy, better a lot of things, and yet... Sometimes, at this pre-period part of the month, I COULD CARE LESS. Like now, like the last few days. How can I want something so badly and not give a rip about it simultaneously? How is that even possible? Granted, I've been sick this week, too, which makes the urge to want to be sedentary and eat every comforting and yummy thing I can lay a hand on all the worse, but it really is unfair. And no, I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, per se, but I am feeling defeated at the moment. It's not even that I'm using the excuse that I feel it is out of my control, rather it's like my emotions truly change. Sure, I'm tired of feeling so sluggish all the time, knowing that essentially I'm lugging around 1.5 of my kid in my everyday activities, sure I am almost to the point of tears some mornings trying to put together a flattering outfit, when 80% of the clothes in my closet don't fit and most of the ones that do don't quite hide the not-as-subtle as they used to be muffin-top rolls around my middle, and sure, I have legitimate health issues to be concerned about that might be magically cured or at least dramatically improved if I changed my ways, but... Even in the face of all that positive benefit, having highly desirable concrete goals, and most of the time a seemingly strong interest in succeeding, hormones or whatever still make me feel for several days at a time that I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT care. That sucks, and it makes me mad. Mad enough to fight it and get over it? Unfortunately, I'm not sure yet.

Later update: I wrote this post in the morning. By 6:00 pm I felt totally different and like I was back in control of my true interest in fixing things. Dangit!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Lemme 'Splain. No Wait, No Time, Lemme Sum Up:

In a few words: FANTASTIC whirlwind week of interviewing well and being very quickly promoted at work, into birthday celebrating weekend, into snowy actual birthday with a great hockey game (me scoring two goals) capping it off, to feeling tired and fighting something off all week, letting my house get to be messy, and then having a big wedding client interview last night. Phew, it's the weekend again!

I am VERY pleased to be learning that a few people who know me have been reading this blog here and there, that makes me feel more accountable, which was the whole point of airing my situation to the world. And I'm beside myself with anticipation for this weekend which includes summery weather and the daylight switch, making weekday evenings outdoors a sooner reality.

I haven't moved from the 198 I reached a bit ago, but luckily I haven't gone the other way, either. I'm returning to more frequent posts and counting WW Points, stat! (And continuing to run, which has been going well, and wanting to start back swimming, and needing to get my bike tuned up...)

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Awesome Weekend-

My weekend workouts were awesome. Ran a lot and walked a little Saturday, lifted weights and ran some more Sunday. And celebrated my birthday eve. Ate more than I should have, but after a little more celebrating tomorrow I'll be back on track. Feeling good!