Monday, July 26, 2010

Back In Focus

Ok, so I have stumbled around a bit for the past month or so, but I've got a few things in my favor for a refocus.  1) My goal is still in reach before a MAJOR milestone.  I can still lose the remaining 60 pounds I'd like to by my birthday, at a reasonable, albeit ambitious rate.  2) The husband is now on board, kicking off his own program with similarly momentous goals.  3) I don't know what three is, I just feel like all is going to be ok, eventually.  My dear and insightful friend has this book I'm looking forward to reading that apparently talks a lot about compulsive eating and the mind game of treating your body badly.  I expect this to be helpful.  Although I'm up too late on a Sunday night, the house is still in order with one room left to finish, laundry's clean and almost done being put away, and the kitchen is stocked with healthy food.  It's going to be a challenging week at work, but I'm going to do my best not to numb my way through it!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Things that I wish, in no particular order:

I wish I could make myself get more sleep, to recharge my body and mind without feeling like I was taking any time away from my child, my husband, and especially myself.

I wish we had enough financial stability not to have to think about it nearly as often.

I wish I could live in more temperate weather and embroiled in less vehicular congestion, without actually having to leave all the people and places in this area that I am so deeply rooted to. 

I wish that I wasn’t so emotionally over reactive to every little thing that comes up with my son, my husband, or our family life.  I’d like to be able to take the downs along with the ups of everyday life in stride a lot better.

I wish I didn’t feel so frenetic all of the time.  I think I genuinely have more things to do and focus on than I actually have time or brain space to manage all at once, and that feels unpleasant a lot.  I wish I could either find a way to either reduce those responsibilities and obligations, or at least reduce that sensation and perception.

I wish I was able to be more frugal with resources, both physical and financial, including things both expended and ingested.

I wish I could ignore what other people think, say, and do more, so I’d feel more comfortable in my own skin.

I wish I were a better and more patient parent.

I wish I could pare our belongings down to a much more austere and organized minimum, thereby making it easier to achieve and maintain a Zen like home.

I wish it did not seem so difficult to set aside the time and energy to pursue physical fitness to a much greater extreme.

I wish it was more common and acceptable to have only one child by choice, because it was an emotionally challenging decision that I’m constantly reminded sets me apart from the norm more far more often than I’d prefer.

I wish I was able to continually feel more connected to those closest to me than I sometimes get to, and that I did not feel so socially awkward around people that I’m not already close to.

I wish I was able to allow myself to feel bad feelings about anything and everything without feeling like I get mired in them, and without feeling so compelled to squelch them and soothe myself with unhealthy foods.

Ok, so these are some of the main, major things that weigh me down now and then.  I felt like getting them all out there might help.  We’ll see!  

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Here I am, standing at the edge of a precipice.  The distance down is a long way, but the landing place will be a rewarding one.  Jumping should be REALLY easy, just a little step and a big hop, right?  In fact, I've already taken a hop down a bit to get here!  So, what's holding me back?  I have tried to think about it, and I simply don't know.  I am so close to passing that point where I seem to have rooted myself and can't get past, yet a bit of success seems to have spooked me.  But why, why, WHY?  I can think of nothing more fantastic than achieving true health and happiness.  How could there be anything bad about that?  What I do know is it's me, holding myself back subconsciously.   Jumping is scary, sure, and I might get a few bumps and bruises along the way, but what I want is RIGHT DOWN THERE, I can see it.  It's a long way, but now that I took that first hop I can really, actually see the bottom, and it's lined with silk pillows.  So quit tap dancing and JUMP ALREADY!!