Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Fattest Girl in the Class

Your first reaction to that title might be geez, that girl needs to start off by getting a better self image! After all, a lot of what I read including from trainers on the Biggest Loser (like Jillian, who trains me in my head sometimes) says that it can't be that you have to lose weight to feel good about yourself, but rather, you need to feel good about yourself to facilitate losing weight. So, Wednesday night was the last night of Level 1 of my pole dancing class, and as part of that we did the routine we have learned for the teacher and other classmates, in two groups, to "graduate." I had fun and did a decent job, although I did better in practice. And there's one spin that my shoulders just do NOT support me for, but I was able to eek it out once to look half decent, so that was cool. What struck me in watching everyone else, however, is two things. One, I am, by far, the heaviest girl in this class. I had noticed it before, but it stood out more, for some reason, this time. In my intro class there were older and fatter women than me, but not in this class, and we are going to be staying together on the same night with the same teacher, who has an amazing physique, as we move on up through the levels, so that won't likely change, except as I may change it. Anyway, the second thing I have noticed, based on the group discussion on the first day, as well as how people dress, carry themselves, and comment about themselves, particularly when being put on the spot, is that I have more confidence in myself and a better body image than almost all of the other girls. They're all cute and slender and embarrassed about themselves, what is up with that?! The only other person who's got confidence besides the teacher is the really tall girl, she too carries herself well and is proud of her body. I wouldn't say I'm proud of my overweight body as it looks currently per se, but rather I am aware of its positive features, I am proud of the underlying figure that I am striving to uncover, because I KNOW it looks good in there somewhere, and I guess the most important factor is I am comfortable in my own skin. I am wearing cute small (style, not size) workout clothes, and letting myself really get into the dance without feeling self conscious, because my confidence in who I am and what I can do does not stem from what I look like. I'm confident enough to talk to the other girls, admit what I can and can't do, and because I'm comfortable standing in the front the other girls in my group were grateful to have someone to watch. I'm pretty proud of that.

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