Thursday, October 9, 2008

Two Sides of the Coin (A Long One...)

So, I had a positive start to a healthier life over the last few days, and I will talk about that first. Then I need to bitch about some things that piss me off because I'm feeling cranky this morning. But I'll try to end on a positive note for my own good after that!

First, the good. I have gone through a zillion proposed "start" dates for achieving a more healthy lifestyle, and most of them come and go with only a few hours of success, at best. That's sad, but clearly I have a lot going on inside that causes me to be so strongly addicted to unhealthy bad food. I think I've said it before, but I clearly medicate myself with food to try to distract myself from other things. And the compulsion to do so can be extremely intense, leaving me feeling like it's not even an option or within my control. And sometimes I don't even notice that I'm mindlessly eating, or if I do am not always enjoying it. On rare occasion, when I have had success with doing better, it was like a switch had been turned on and I was able to do it almost easily, without any explanation of what might have tripped the switch. And then, eventually, the switch got turned back off. So, here's the thing- this time, maybe through all the prep and build up, as well as the public exposure of my plans, I think I must have forced the switch on. It's like the stroller I just got on Freecycle to replace the one I ran over and broke (yes, an embarrassing long story)- unlike many mechanisms that work well with a more gentle touch, this one only opens if you really put sudden pressure on it and jam it open. I think I may have succeeded in jamming on the elusive switch this time, and I am going to put on goalie pads and pick up a large stick to beat away any negative influences that may try to shut it back off before I get to my goals!

Monday and Tuesday I got plenty of exercise with long walks pushing the stroller (and had played a hard hockey game Sunday night too,) and I was easily able to eat within and even under my Points limit. I already started feeling better both physically and about myself, and I started to shed the first couple pounds of water weight already. Yesterday, Day 3, was a lot tougher with it being a work day. Sitting on my ass at a desk apparently makes me want to eat more! And it's also a lot tougher to fit in workouts on those days. I had planned another walk in the afternoon, but it got overcast and my newly exercised body asked for a break, so I caved. This combined with the extra snacks (albeit healthy) caused my healthy dinner to send me well over on the points, BUT- I did not throw in the towel! That is usually my classic mistake, normally once I "fail" it is a free pass to do whatever I want, but I only had a diet hot chocolate for dessert and called it a night. So, almost half a week down, and the switch is still safe. Considering it supposedly takes 21 days to form new habits, 3 days down, 18 to go!

Now, last night I fell asleep VERY early and slept hard, but still woke up feeling tired and cranky. That is is large part I suspect to hormonal issues commonly occurring the week prior to my period. I know, TMI if any guys are reading, sorry. But it is legit, and some months it's no big deal, but others can really bring me down a notch in energy. So, this morning I get up to a 3 year old already being a total pill (earlier than usual for him!) and a house that is back to looking like a bomb went off in it after focusing on me a little bit for a mere 3 days, and having relaxed for one evening. That makes me mad, and it's no WONDER so many moms end up fat and tired after they have kids! Everything and everyone else usually needs to come first. I am starting to believe that the moms who are slender, energetic, and seem to have their act completely together should be smacked (no offense to any of my friends who may fit this description.) I'm also pissed that the job I'm supposedly being fast-tracked for is still hanging. I was told yesterday that it would be another week at the soonest. So much for the interview just being a formality! And how ironic that I'm so desperate to get a job that will force me back to full time, will be a downgrade, is not what I've ever wanted to do, and will only marginally improve my status on the budget cuts list!

Ok, enough whining, I think I feel better. The good thing is, now that a couple of hours have gone by the feelings of waking up on the wrong side of the bed this morning are subsiding, and I need to get back to work. I am still feeling in control, and I'll have the next two days to get organized (again) and clean up the house (again) and do more laundry (constant) to be ready to get us all packed up. This weekend we are headed to the beach with my aunt and uncle for a wine festival, and as long as I can keep my eating in check and exercise a LOT like I don't mind doing at the beach, it'll be a great time and I'll continue to make progress!

No comments: