Run Cat, Run!

A brief summary to catch you up:

I am officially retired from the wedding planning business.  Friends and family, I would still be happy to help you should such an event be on the horizon.  Friends of friends and friends of happy clients, sorry, you missed the boat.  I couldn't take that much time away from my family on weekends while also working full time.  It was a blast, I am proud to have created a business for myself, and was pleased with its success, but I am out.

I'm a little behind on my marathon training.  Not to the point of disaster yet, but I am absolutely up against the wall to run more often than I am doing in order to make my base more solid before I start ramping up.  I really don't want to have to cut the event back to the 10-miler option, I want the whole deal!

I've reached Level 6 in the pole dance classes.  (The tricks are getting very much harder, and they would be less so if I was lighter and stronger.)  Next stop, graduation performances.  Should fall sometime within February.  Very, VERY excited about this.

We're buying/selling a house.  Or, at least, we're trying.  We need more space, and it is time.  But the levels of extreme stress contained therein speak for themselves.

Food continues to be a hindrance in working on my weight loss goals.  The above mentioned stresses do not help.

It's light sooner in the mornings now, but I am tired and perpetually in a frazzled rush in the mornings.  It is almost fully dark as I pull into the driveway each day after work.  Weekends have been packed.  But there is one thing, one single, simple key thing which will help me to pull all the above pieces into place, and that is to run.  Not run away, tempting though that can be during a busy work day, but just run.  Run to meet my marathon goals, run to erase stress, run to clear my head, run to make my body have more energy when it is not running, and run to make my body crave healthier food.  Run, Cat, Run!

Moments of Clarity

So many things bring me moments of clarity.  A great workout.  An extra long hug.  An exceptional dance class.  Family snuggle time.  Being read to by a new reader.  These moments occur at least daily, and they make it easy to appreciate not only the things I love about my life and the people I value in it, but they also let me glimpse at times how I want things to be, how I can improve on an already satisfying life.   It should be easy to take those moments and hold on to them, and let them carry me through the day, right?  But it isn't so easy.  Being in the moment is hard to achieve, and it's a fleeting sensation.  Too many distractions, too many obligations, too many excuses.  Feeling frenetic has become a natural state of being, and it is not a healthy one.  This is my challenge.

WWKPD?

Ok, here's a really weird admission:  the latest celebrity who I aspire to look like, in a non-airbrushed, 20 years older, working mother, more realistic sort of a version, is Katy Perry.  And before you screech in horror let me caveat that by saying I know nothing, and I mean NOTHING whatsoever about her other than that she can kinda sorta sing some catchy, pop songs, and she got in trouble on Sesame Street for showing too much boobage to Elmo.  But she looks amazing!  Beautiful facial features, not an ounce of fat on her, and she has that classic pinup girl look with dark hair and light eyes.  Hey, I, too, have dark hair and light eyes!  Oh, but wait, that's where the similarities stop at the moment.

Maybe she's a rude bitch to her band, or stingy with tips in restaurants.  Maybe she has bad breath.  Maybe she's a vapid and has horrible political opinions, or worse yet, maybe she's hostile to animals and the environment!  Well, ok, probably not, but no one can be perfect, right?  So anyone who looks THAT GOOD has something else going on that is less than ideal, right?  RIGHT?!

What I do know is that she looks fantastic.  And that I aspire to look a shadow as good.  And that I need to aim high so I can achieve something decent in the process.  Fitness goals are key, but I need a visual goal, too.  Clearly she is making good decisions about what to put in her body and how to exercise it.  She may also be blessed with good genetics, but I think under it all I am to, so I can't make that an issue.  I know I don't look the way I want to simply because I don't treat my body (and at times my mind) the right way.  I know I exercise less than I'd like to and I definitely eat all sorts of crap that I shouldn't.  I bet Katy Perry doesn't.  I bet she is an eat-a-salad-every-day, go-for-a-run-in-the-mornings kind of a girl.  I bet if you tried to stuff an M+M in her mouth she'd spit it out.  So here's a thought:  from now on, if I find myself wavering about whether or not to eat one more Hershey's Kiss, whether or not I have time to squeeze in a run after dinner before I forget all about it and get into my jammies, I am going to start asking myself one question, in hopes of tipping the scales in the right direction:  What Would Katy Perry Do?

Ouch.

Screwing up sucks.  Realizing how LONG you have been screwing up for sucks more.  And being called out for a duration or repetitive pattern of screwing up really stings the most, but can be helpful, too.  My last couple of posts have been about "hey, I'm off the horse," and "hey, I'm getting back on the horse," etc.  And months have gone by with little change and even less acknowledgement to myself of the problem/situation.  MONTHS now!

Today is the first day of Fall, my favorite season of the year.  The air turns crisp, the leaves turn gorgeous, football is back, the food and activities turn harvest-y, and the favorite holidays are just around the corner.  Plus, this time around over the next two weekends I have my final weddings of my wedding planning business, before I close that chapter and free up some space in my brain.

Since I last posted about any fitness events I've done a tri, I've skipped a tri, and I've registered for a marathon.  YET ANOTHER season of Biggest Loser has kicked off, and for the Nth time I don't want to stay on my couch eating and being tired and fat while the contestants shrink before my eyes and live the dream I want.  I should be doing the same thing.  I don't want my goals to continue to slip through my fingers.  I don't want to continue to live my life in a sugar-induced haze.  I don't want to keep having to "restart" my workout program from the bottom.  I don't want to put on a pole dancing graduation performance as the fat girl who knows how to move it well.  I don't want to turn 40 while feeling I am failing myself and not being happy with how I look and feel.  I don't want to walk 26 miles for my marathon, or worse yet have to cut it back to 10.  I don't want to go to Vegas as a major gift to myself at 40 for a renewal of my marriage vows and extreme celebration with my friends while feeling I have fallen short and still look and feel heavy.  I don't want to keep seeing pictures of myself that I don't recognize, because that is not how I look in my head.  I don't want to continue to flounder around, starting and stopping and running in a very small circle, all the while wishing I was living the life that I know I can but just don't seem to grasp on to with any strength or for very long.  I don't want to keep wondering when and how I will start becoming the person I know I am and want to return to being.  But when will I start wanting it enough?

Back In Focus

Ok, so I have stumbled around a bit for the past month or so, but I've got a few things in my favor for a refocus.  1) My goal is still in reach before a MAJOR milestone.  I can still lose the remaining 60 pounds I'd like to by my birthday, at a reasonable, albeit ambitious rate.  2) The husband is now on board, kicking off his own program with similarly momentous goals.  3) I don't know what three is, I just feel like all is going to be ok, eventually.  My dear and insightful friend has this book I'm looking forward to reading that apparently talks a lot about compulsive eating and the mind game of treating your body badly.  I expect this to be helpful.  Although I'm up too late on a Sunday night, the house is still in order with one room left to finish, laundry's clean and almost done being put away, and the kitchen is stocked with healthy food.  It's going to be a challenging week at work, but I'm going to do my best not to numb my way through it!

Wishes

Things that I wish, in no particular order:

I wish I could make myself get more sleep, to recharge my body and mind without feeling like I was taking any time away from my child, my husband, and especially myself.

I wish we had enough financial stability not to have to think about it nearly as often.

I wish I could live in more temperate weather and embroiled in less vehicular congestion, without actually having to leave all the people and places in this area that I am so deeply rooted to. 

I wish that I wasn’t so emotionally over reactive to every little thing that comes up with my son, my husband, or our family life.  I’d like to be able to take the downs along with the ups of everyday life in stride a lot better.

I wish I didn’t feel so frenetic all of the time.  I think I genuinely have more things to do and focus on than I actually have time or brain space to manage all at once, and that feels unpleasant a lot.  I wish I could either find a way to either reduce those responsibilities and obligations, or at least reduce that sensation and perception.

I wish I was able to be more frugal with resources, both physical and financial, including things both expended and ingested.

I wish I could ignore what other people think, say, and do more, so I’d feel more comfortable in my own skin.

I wish I were a better and more patient parent.

I wish I could pare our belongings down to a much more austere and organized minimum, thereby making it easier to achieve and maintain a Zen like home.

I wish it did not seem so difficult to set aside the time and energy to pursue physical fitness to a much greater extreme.

I wish it was more common and acceptable to have only one child by choice, because it was an emotionally challenging decision that I’m constantly reminded sets me apart from the norm more far more often than I’d prefer.

I wish I was able to continually feel more connected to those closest to me than I sometimes get to, and that I did not feel so socially awkward around people that I’m not already close to.

I wish I was able to allow myself to feel bad feelings about anything and everything without feeling like I get mired in them, and without feeling so compelled to squelch them and soothe myself with unhealthy foods.

Ok, so these are some of the main, major things that weigh me down now and then.  I felt like getting them all out there might help.  We’ll see!  

Jump!

Here I am, standing at the edge of a precipice.  The distance down is a long way, but the landing place will be a rewarding one.  Jumping should be REALLY easy, just a little step and a big hop, right?  In fact, I've already taken a hop down a bit to get here!  So, what's holding me back?  I have tried to think about it, and I simply don't know.  I am so close to passing that point where I seem to have rooted myself and can't get past, yet a bit of success seems to have spooked me.  But why, why, WHY?  I can think of nothing more fantastic than achieving true health and happiness.  How could there be anything bad about that?  What I do know is it's me, holding myself back subconsciously.   Jumping is scary, sure, and I might get a few bumps and bruises along the way, but what I want is RIGHT DOWN THERE, I can see it.  It's a long way, but now that I took that first hop I can really, actually see the bottom, and it's lined with silk pillows.  So quit tap dancing and JUMP ALREADY!!