A Nine Hour Weekend

Well, ok, nine hours on Sunday plus an evening with friends on Saturday, but truly it only felt like the weekend started at 4:30 on Sunday afternoon. Hence why I am awake in the wee hours of the morning Monday, because I just couldn't bear to have it be any shorter than necessary.  We had our house shown a bunch of times on Saturday and an then an open house on Sunday.  Well attended for a change, thankfully.  And I'm just now getting through all the laundry and stuff for the week as a result.  Missed most of the football games, just caught the highlights.  Have a four day workweek coming up, which normally would sound like a good thing, but I'm a little busy/behind in my work right now, am fighting off a sinus infection for which I need to visit my doc, and it's supposed to snow on Tuesday, all of which could disrupt the week into being even a little bit shorter.  And the added stress of still having the house stuff up in the air and stealing our relaxing at home time that we badly needed is driving me/us to the crack point.  I guess the good thing is that I will not be home this weekend, so although I won't be home I will get some time to relax, to myself, in a warmer place...

A Different Kind of New Year

Every single year since I can remember, I have made New Years' Resolutions.  Sometimes they are broad, like "Take Better Care of Myself" and sometimes they are more specific, like "Lose X Pounds by X Date".  But I have always been motivated by a chance for a fresh start, a new Monday, a new month, and the first Monday following New Year's has always been the mother load.

This year is different.  I have three resolutions, of sorts.  The first two are rather concrete, and a little bit of a departure for me.  The first is "Get an in person sight/smell of the ocean at least once a month." Why?  Because it is my happy place, my zen core, and I feel healed and renewed every time I encounter it.  I have a concrete and realistic plan for this, with a little help from my parents' beach house and a friend in FL.  The second Resolution is also quite concrete- "Run or compete in at least one physical event per month."  I also have a plan for achieving this for most of the months, although January is going to be a little dicey.  There's only one event I'm interested in and I'm not sure yet if I'll be free.  But I'm registered for events in February and March, and have plenty of planned options for April and beyond.

The third is kind of my usual deal, but is already shaping up differently.  I want to take better care of myself, like I often aspire to, and part of that is achieving my weight loss and fitness/health goals.  This is especially important to me in this year of turning the big 4-0.  But even before the new year turned over I was already resigned to a couple of things on this front.  One, I am mentally not in a place to be trying hard-core diet programs right now.  Our house is on the market, and adding that to my already full plate of mommyhood, work being fairly busy, etc. has me maxed out mentally.  Two, every year this "all or nothing with a deadline" approach has consistently and reliably failed.

So, I am actively pursuing the first two concrete resolutions.  And the third?  Well, I am thinking about ways to take better care of myself, and I am working up to the kind of healthy eating I want to be doing. I am trying to reduce any unnecessary obligations, and focus my time on the stuff and people that are important to me.  I do hope that I will be able to make some progress before all of the milestones I have coming up, and it would help a whole freaking lot if we could sell our house and get to buy and move into the one we want and be done with it.  But mentally I am in a whole different place than usual, and maybe being forced to sneak up on this goal gradually instead of boxing myself into a "diet" plan and schedule will actually help, for a change.

Worst Weight Loss Blog Ever?

Am I perhaps unique in the fact that I am a weight loss blogger of sorts, but I don't actually stick to any of my healthy eating or exercise plans for long, I frequently don't continue to take heed of the things I learn after I learn them, and I definitely haven't lost my extra weight yet?   I just read an article about how prolific the weight loss blogger success stories are, and how helpful the process is.  And it made me step back and laugh at myself.  I believe in the process, but somehow I've managed to cheat it and myself in the process.  Not enough people write about that, at least not that I've run across.

I know some people read this journal because they are or have been friends with me and either find it interesting, enjoy the personal anecdotes, or whatever.  And I love having a place to say whatever is on my mind with the knowledge that one or two people might be listening.  But what if you had found me on a search for inspiration to embark on your own weight loss journey?  Pretty sure I'd be doing you a disservice in the inspiration department.

Personally, I need to find more weight loss bloggers who are in the same struggling phase as me.  I've seen plenty of the fatty to fabulous pictures, heard plenty about how they were able to make the decision to focus on that goal and just get there one day at a time.  And then, armed with the understanding that I'm not the only one who sucks at this but still has the gall to write about it, perhaps I could just start heading down the right track for once and for all.  Maybe 2011 is my year.

My Last Grandparent

My Grandmom was an awesome lady.  She was strong and independent, she was elegant, she was stylish, she was a good cook in the day, and most importantly, she was a fabulous mother and grandmother.  I was lucky that I got to have her around locally growing up, and I got to see her a lot.  Countless holiday and Sunday dinners, family events, you name it she was always there with us.

I've seen a picture of her as a little girl, riding a horse.  I've seen a picture of her on the beach in a bathing suit holding my toddler Dad's hand in which she looks like she could have been a pinup model.  In my parents' wedding album (circa 1969) she looked beyond fabulous and fashionable in a lavender minidress with a pillbox hat and gloves.  We have years and decades of pictures of all of us at the family dinner table, and although I got older and everyone gradually looked a little different, she hardly seemed to age until about the last 10 years or so.

Her earlier life certainly wasn't easy.  She was a military wife, raising two kids while my Grandpop fought in WWII, Vietnam, and Korea.  Later, they divorced, and she found herself alone and having to stand on her own two feet.  Happily, years later they reconciled, although I don't think she ever completely forgave him for leaving her, but it was good they were able to spend his later years reconnected.  She had two kids, my Dad and my Aunt, and I was her only grandchild.  And she even stuck around long enough to get to know my 5 year old son, her great-grandson, which I am grateful for.  My other Grammy made it just long enough to meet my husband and be at our wedding, but my Grandpop died shortly after college and my Mom's Dad died when I was like one or two at most.  So it was good to hang on to one last grandparent for a lot longer.

My favorite memories of her include a period of time in which my parents were in a bowling league on Tuesday nights and they dropped me off at her apartment for a couple of hours.  She would cook me dinner, which we ate at her cozy little kitchen table, and we somehow decided we had a mutual interest in the show Mash, which became a beloved bonding time for us.

Today a small gathering of her family and friends of the family joined to remember her, and I learned some wonderful new tidbits about her, as well as sharing fond memories and pictures of her.  It was just right for her small, soft spoken, and very loving family, and I know she felt all the warm feelings we sent her way.  Grandmom, you will be missed.

I Heart Pole.

Not that there's anything wrong with that!  (Is there?)  Is it normal that my extremely very favorite hobby slash workout includes dressing in clothes too small to wear to the grocery store, wearing heels so high they make me tower over my tall husband, and emulating a stripper with a room full of other ladies doing the same?  Sure, we keep our clothes on, but other than that, pole dancing is a hybrid of athletic moves and overt expression of sexuality.  The music is dirty, the lights are low and disco, and the moves are sultry.  I adore it.  I crave it, I look forward to it every week.  The dirtier the music the better.  I love learning the impressive tricks, but even more than that I dig the grinding, hip swinging, dance moves.  I love it when the lights are low, the disco ball is on, and we spin around, climb up, hang from, slide down, and rub up against the pole like no one is watching.  Except that to take it a step further, I can't wait for people to watch.  That I can't quite explain, but I have been looking forward to the opportunity to perform since the day I started.  It's a fantastic cardio and strength building workout, and an incredibly empowering exploration of sexuality mixed with artistic expression.  It's addictive.

More Numbers

Aside from being mere double digit days from the big birthday, I've also got a couple of other numbers rattling around in my head lately.  Not accomplishing anything, really, just rattling around.  Making me think, and making me sweat a little:

-roughly 15 weeks until the big Diva performance,
-a little over 18 weeks until the marathon.

The marathon is scary, I'm not going to lie.  I can and have been running 3-3.5 miles at a time comfortably, although not quite as frequently as I needed to have been for building a base to train on.  Now I'm going to be doing that several times a week and increasing the distance weekly for a longer run.  Up to about 10 miles I can kind of picture progressing to, but beyond that feels like a mental abyss.  I guess I do not need to worry about it yet until the time comes, but I'm having trouble visualizing it.

I am extremely excited about the prospect of the pole performance, but nervous too!  It's been a long road to get to this point, 2 years or so by the time I had to stop for injury for a while and then start almost all over.  I'm shocked and impressed with all the things I can do now, even though I haven't gotten myself into the kind of shape yet that I'd planned, and to say I'm stoked to show it all off to friends and family is an extreme understatement.  But being that excited for something that is a one-time deal is also a recipe for a LOT of pressure.  I will need to find a way to manage that so I don't get myself all worked up and get sick or injured and miss it.  I keep questioning my song choice, too, I've been thinking about it for like a year now, I swear!  But I keep coming back to Low (Flo Rida) and I think that is still it.  Someday I'd love to have a chance to perform to a slower, sultrier song, but that takes even more skill and strength to do the moves more deliberately.  For now I'm going to stick with a high energy, faster paced routine.  Time to get rolling on the choreography, too, because the 8 week prep class will be put to much better use to practice the routine than to be fiddling around trying to come up with one.  That's not very far off!

Three Posts-

100 Days!

[If I knew enough about web stuff to do it I would insert a blood curdling scream from a Halloween CD here which would play loudly upon opening this post…]

I turn 40 in 100 days.  100 DAYS!!  I completely freaked out when it was 365 days away, and again when it was 300 days away, and yet…  Same situation, different excuses.  Same goals, shorter time available to work on them.  Same issues, same perfectly good solutions available.  Same lack of anything stopping me but myself.  Hmph…

The Catch 22-

Mind vs. Body.  Having time to one’s self to collect one’s thoughts and just “be”, vs. getting enough sleep to keep one’s body working better.  This is my continual dilemma.  I have some of my best thinking time either while running alone, or while up late after everyone else goes to bed.  Yet I am always tired and rarely get enough sleep, and tiredness makes me eat more junk.  The running thinking time is awesome, but it does not include the ability to record any of the thoughts I’m having, so sometimes my only writing time is late.  Hence when I go through periods of being even more tired I scarcely write (because I can’t use my work computer or time for blogging, either.)  Anyway, chances are that when you see me having written a particularly long or introspective post, it was put on there late at night, and I am probably struggling with being extra tired as a result!

Methodology Muddles and Fresh Notebooks

So, which way to go on reining in t he food control?  I’ve tried a bunch of methods, and they are all valid and can work great.  IF YOU DO THEM AND STICK WITH IT.  I am the only reason that the methods I have tried have failed.  Well, ok, trying to be less hard on myself, why they have not worked to get to me to my goals.  Weight Watchers, Sugar Addict’s Total Recovery, Biggest Loser, increasing protein, eliminating gluten and/or white flour/processed foods, plain ‘ole calorie counting and working out, all can do it, all have their merits.  All have in common reducing calories in some form of another, and in order to do so require documentation of intake.

Here’s where my weird perfectionism can get in the way:  I can’t stand writing down everything I’ve eaten/am about to eat on a bad, bingey sort of a day.  I hate to see it then, and I hate to see it glaring back at me later.  If I’m writing down what I eat, then it stands to follow that I’m eating better, eating less.  That always makes me stop writing if it isn’t true.  This also explains why, when packing up stuff to reduce the clutter in our place while it is on the market, I found a zillion little notebooks with about 5-6 pages written on them each.  And a gazillion more blank ones, each one waiting their turn for the inevitable “fresh start”.  Yikes!  How can I move past that?  How can I simply start writing, and continue to write, no matter what it is or how bad, so I can see it, face it, and fix it, even if it is only incrementally?  How can I re-energize myself after a bad eating day without getting that little bit of new notebook boost for a fresh start?  How can I admit so publicly to such neuroses without being told to get help, haha!  And let’s be clear, there is nothing wrong with getting or needing help, I’m just laughing at myself because so far, the main readers I have (that I am aware of, anyway) are people that know me.  Well, if you read this blog, you will reeeeally get to know me, like it or not!   ;)