Moments of Clarity

So many things bring me moments of clarity.  A great workout.  An extra long hug.  An exceptional dance class.  Family snuggle time.  Being read to by a new reader.  These moments occur at least daily, and they make it easy to appreciate not only the things I love about my life and the people I value in it, but they also let me glimpse at times how I want things to be, how I can improve on an already satisfying life.   It should be easy to take those moments and hold on to them, and let them carry me through the day, right?  But it isn't so easy.  Being in the moment is hard to achieve, and it's a fleeting sensation.  Too many distractions, too many obligations, too many excuses.  Feeling frenetic has become a natural state of being, and it is not a healthy one.  This is my challenge.

WWKPD?

Ok, here's a really weird admission:  the latest celebrity who I aspire to look like, in a non-airbrushed, 20 years older, working mother, more realistic sort of a version, is Katy Perry.  And before you screech in horror let me caveat that by saying I know nothing, and I mean NOTHING whatsoever about her other than that she can kinda sorta sing some catchy, pop songs, and she got in trouble on Sesame Street for showing too much boobage to Elmo.  But she looks amazing!  Beautiful facial features, not an ounce of fat on her, and she has that classic pinup girl look with dark hair and light eyes.  Hey, I, too, have dark hair and light eyes!  Oh, but wait, that's where the similarities stop at the moment.

Maybe she's a rude bitch to her band, or stingy with tips in restaurants.  Maybe she has bad breath.  Maybe she's a vapid and has horrible political opinions, or worse yet, maybe she's hostile to animals and the environment!  Well, ok, probably not, but no one can be perfect, right?  So anyone who looks THAT GOOD has something else going on that is less than ideal, right?  RIGHT?!

What I do know is that she looks fantastic.  And that I aspire to look a shadow as good.  And that I need to aim high so I can achieve something decent in the process.  Fitness goals are key, but I need a visual goal, too.  Clearly she is making good decisions about what to put in her body and how to exercise it.  She may also be blessed with good genetics, but I think under it all I am to, so I can't make that an issue.  I know I don't look the way I want to simply because I don't treat my body (and at times my mind) the right way.  I know I exercise less than I'd like to and I definitely eat all sorts of crap that I shouldn't.  I bet Katy Perry doesn't.  I bet she is an eat-a-salad-every-day, go-for-a-run-in-the-mornings kind of a girl.  I bet if you tried to stuff an M+M in her mouth she'd spit it out.  So here's a thought:  from now on, if I find myself wavering about whether or not to eat one more Hershey's Kiss, whether or not I have time to squeeze in a run after dinner before I forget all about it and get into my jammies, I am going to start asking myself one question, in hopes of tipping the scales in the right direction:  What Would Katy Perry Do?

Ouch.

Screwing up sucks.  Realizing how LONG you have been screwing up for sucks more.  And being called out for a duration or repetitive pattern of screwing up really stings the most, but can be helpful, too.  My last couple of posts have been about "hey, I'm off the horse," and "hey, I'm getting back on the horse," etc.  And months have gone by with little change and even less acknowledgement to myself of the problem/situation.  MONTHS now!

Today is the first day of Fall, my favorite season of the year.  The air turns crisp, the leaves turn gorgeous, football is back, the food and activities turn harvest-y, and the favorite holidays are just around the corner.  Plus, this time around over the next two weekends I have my final weddings of my wedding planning business, before I close that chapter and free up some space in my brain.

Since I last posted about any fitness events I've done a tri, I've skipped a tri, and I've registered for a marathon.  YET ANOTHER season of Biggest Loser has kicked off, and for the Nth time I don't want to stay on my couch eating and being tired and fat while the contestants shrink before my eyes and live the dream I want.  I should be doing the same thing.  I don't want my goals to continue to slip through my fingers.  I don't want to continue to live my life in a sugar-induced haze.  I don't want to keep having to "restart" my workout program from the bottom.  I don't want to put on a pole dancing graduation performance as the fat girl who knows how to move it well.  I don't want to turn 40 while feeling I am failing myself and not being happy with how I look and feel.  I don't want to walk 26 miles for my marathon, or worse yet have to cut it back to 10.  I don't want to go to Vegas as a major gift to myself at 40 for a renewal of my marriage vows and extreme celebration with my friends while feeling I have fallen short and still look and feel heavy.  I don't want to keep seeing pictures of myself that I don't recognize, because that is not how I look in my head.  I don't want to continue to flounder around, starting and stopping and running in a very small circle, all the while wishing I was living the life that I know I can but just don't seem to grasp on to with any strength or for very long.  I don't want to keep wondering when and how I will start becoming the person I know I am and want to return to being.  But when will I start wanting it enough?

Back In Focus

Ok, so I have stumbled around a bit for the past month or so, but I've got a few things in my favor for a refocus.  1) My goal is still in reach before a MAJOR milestone.  I can still lose the remaining 60 pounds I'd like to by my birthday, at a reasonable, albeit ambitious rate.  2) The husband is now on board, kicking off his own program with similarly momentous goals.  3) I don't know what three is, I just feel like all is going to be ok, eventually.  My dear and insightful friend has this book I'm looking forward to reading that apparently talks a lot about compulsive eating and the mind game of treating your body badly.  I expect this to be helpful.  Although I'm up too late on a Sunday night, the house is still in order with one room left to finish, laundry's clean and almost done being put away, and the kitchen is stocked with healthy food.  It's going to be a challenging week at work, but I'm going to do my best not to numb my way through it!

Wishes

Things that I wish, in no particular order:

I wish I could make myself get more sleep, to recharge my body and mind without feeling like I was taking any time away from my child, my husband, and especially myself.

I wish we had enough financial stability not to have to think about it nearly as often.

I wish I could live in more temperate weather and embroiled in less vehicular congestion, without actually having to leave all the people and places in this area that I am so deeply rooted to. 

I wish that I wasn’t so emotionally over reactive to every little thing that comes up with my son, my husband, or our family life.  I’d like to be able to take the downs along with the ups of everyday life in stride a lot better.

I wish I didn’t feel so frenetic all of the time.  I think I genuinely have more things to do and focus on than I actually have time or brain space to manage all at once, and that feels unpleasant a lot.  I wish I could either find a way to either reduce those responsibilities and obligations, or at least reduce that sensation and perception.

I wish I was able to be more frugal with resources, both physical and financial, including things both expended and ingested.

I wish I could ignore what other people think, say, and do more, so I’d feel more comfortable in my own skin.

I wish I were a better and more patient parent.

I wish I could pare our belongings down to a much more austere and organized minimum, thereby making it easier to achieve and maintain a Zen like home.

I wish it did not seem so difficult to set aside the time and energy to pursue physical fitness to a much greater extreme.

I wish it was more common and acceptable to have only one child by choice, because it was an emotionally challenging decision that I’m constantly reminded sets me apart from the norm more far more often than I’d prefer.

I wish I was able to continually feel more connected to those closest to me than I sometimes get to, and that I did not feel so socially awkward around people that I’m not already close to.

I wish I was able to allow myself to feel bad feelings about anything and everything without feeling like I get mired in them, and without feeling so compelled to squelch them and soothe myself with unhealthy foods.

Ok, so these are some of the main, major things that weigh me down now and then.  I felt like getting them all out there might help.  We’ll see!  

Jump!

Here I am, standing at the edge of a precipice.  The distance down is a long way, but the landing place will be a rewarding one.  Jumping should be REALLY easy, just a little step and a big hop, right?  In fact, I've already taken a hop down a bit to get here!  So, what's holding me back?  I have tried to think about it, and I simply don't know.  I am so close to passing that point where I seem to have rooted myself and can't get past, yet a bit of success seems to have spooked me.  But why, why, WHY?  I can think of nothing more fantastic than achieving true health and happiness.  How could there be anything bad about that?  What I do know is it's me, holding myself back subconsciously.   Jumping is scary, sure, and I might get a few bumps and bruises along the way, but what I want is RIGHT DOWN THERE, I can see it.  It's a long way, but now that I took that first hop I can really, actually see the bottom, and it's lined with silk pillows.  So quit tap dancing and JUMP ALREADY!!

Where to Start?!

So much to talk about!  Right when something started “happening” with my weight loss goals and plans, I checked the rest of the way out of blogging about it for a while.  This is coincident with the fact that working out regularly takes away a little from the overall pile of my personal time.  I only figured that out because over the last two months I have failed to finish reading our book club selections, and I was reading up a storm before that.  Can’t seem to cut the “wasted” veg/relax time, especially since that overlaps with the hang out with the hubby time, definitely can’t cut any time from the kid, can’t stand things if I cut too much from the day-to-day household upkeep, so apparently that was what gave.  And our next book is a really long one and our club dinner is in 11 days.  Oops.

Since I have been unwilling to admit to exactly how much weight I had GAINED over this past awful winter and was no longer willing to talk concrete weight numbers, let’s just say that I am almost back to my “starting” weight.  (If you are asking yourself “which one?” then {{hugs}} to you, because you are definitely a long time reader.)  J  I am down 16 pounds and most of a dress size.  LONG, long way to go, of course, but a huge good start.  How did this finally start happening, you ask?!

On Wednesday, April 28, 2010, a figurative brick hit me over the head.  In my obsession about turning 40 next March, I had counted out the days leading up to that, and was calculating whether I could still reasonably reach my weight goals by the birthday, and the following day was the 300 days remaining mark.  Yes, I should seek therapy probably, but I’m telling you, that 300 days left before turning 40 was it for me.  You know how you always say you can’t stand it anymore, this is it, I have to change, etc., and then it passes?  Well, in the weight loss success stories you read about or shows you watch, there’s always something that was the final straw for people that have succeeded.  Usually in times past I’ve been sure I had reached that final straw, but then it wore off.  Apparently, this was really it for me, though, thank goodness.  The idea of turning 40 while feeling I look poorly and feel badly about my health and my body is all but unbearable, so I absolutely can not afford to miss this chance to fix it in time.

And because I was so afraid of letting a milestone opportunity for a big start pass by with the risk of failing a little on the first day and throwing in the towel mentally, I started the day before, to give myself a one day fail cushion.  Confident, aren’t I?  Now, I kicked some major ass at first.  I’m wearing a Bodybugg (Biggest Loser style) to calculate my calories burned during the day, and I had used the online program to figure out my weight loss total goals, planned rate of loss, timeline, etc., and determined that I wanted to be able to eat 1700 calories a day, and wanted to burn about 2600 calories a day, so I would be in a deficit of at least 900 calories a day, thereby burning not quite 2 pounds a week.  And I did just that!!!  For almost all of the time between April 28 and June 8, about 6 weeks total.

Then came Wednesday, June 9.  And Thursday, June 10.  A two-day conference for work, downtown, where I was cooped up and not able to bring full snacking supplies.  And then the weekend followed, wherein we celebrated my husband’s birthday.  And then the following week was my hormonally challenging week before my period, affectionately referred to as shark week, and it was a worse one than usual.  And then it was also a heavy period week, and the weather got hot, humid, and life force sucking.  And then we were travelling and hanging out with family.  And the result of all of those no-reason-to-be-excuses excuses is that over the last 20 days I have been on a skid, completely unraveled all the good habits I had formed, developed a taste for junk food again, and I feel like I am starting over.  (Luckily this has not caused much in the way of scale damage, but it sure is about to if I don’t catch it now!)  My mantra for success had been to try to have tunnel vision, and focus just on the 900 calorie deficit a day, but then I got away from that, and started looking at both the modest startup success and the daunting long way to go and it messed me up.

However, I can not afford to beat myself up about it.  I need to lose some of the confidence that emboldened me to let myself slip, but keep enough of it to know that I can and will continue to move forward.  I already made plans to run tonight, which of all the types of exercise I’ve been doing burns the very most calories.  I also can’t afford to let my physical training slip because my sprint triathlon (same as last year, in my home neighborhood) is coming up in a little under 5weeks.  !!!