Monday, April 20, 2009

The Person I Want To Be

So, a few days ago (now over a week ago) I composed this entry in my head while running, and then I never went back and typed it in. It faded in my mind for a day or two, but I started thinking about it again a few days ago and again today and realized I really want to capture these thoughts. I had a long, deep "think" with myself about weight loss, happiness, and my life in general, and I had a little bit of an epiphany in the process. Basically, for me the weight loss is not a freestanding issue, but rather an intertwined symptom of not living my life quite the way I want to. It's not just about eating more or less and working out or not. The bigger picture is that I'm not doing everything I want to in the way I want to in my life. I am not maintaining enough of a balance between "keeping up" and relaxing, or between taking care of everyone else's needs, and taking care of my own. The interesting thing, though, is that despite that being the case, I feel absolutely, incredibly, exceptionally happy with my life. A lot. Between the love of my dear husband, the amazing ball of happiness that my sweet little boy brings to both of us, my wonderful family, friends I care about and enjoy spending time with, activities that I enjoy a great deal, and a reasonably comfortable lifestyle (even through the times of financial stress, which have started to die down a little now that I'm back to working full time,) I feel happy, lucky, and fulfilled the majority of the time. I used to be a glass half empty kind of person, but something deep down changed pretty dramatically after the birth of our sweet boy, and I truly seem to find the positive in almost everything now. It's weird. But despite feeling that way, I am still numbing myself, some emotion or feeling, with too much food, and allowing myself to alternate between scrambling to keep up/catch up with my life that has gotten out of control to holing up to relax and saying screw it to getting things done, perpetuating the need to scramble again.

I have repeatedly tried to organize my life into the "ideal" schedule in my head, only to have it partly written down and forgotten within the next couple of hours. I think the schedule to fit everything in that I want to is very important, but also changing my outlook and behavior is pivotal in making that happen. For example:

I love my son more dearly than I could have ever imagined, and I think I am a pretty great mother, but I want to be an even better one. I want to be able to put together a themed craft to do with him more often that just over the holidays, as I do now, but on a more regular basis, maybe every two weeks or more, to coincide with things he interested in, learning at school, plus the holidays and seasons, etc. I want to get him back to the library more often as I used to when at home with him, so we can continue reading new books to expand his mind since he has his (large collection) all memorized. And I want to document his life in a scrapbook- I have mountains of notes, zillions of picture files, and a seemingly endless supply of scrapbooking stuff, and I have done some amazing pages documenting my pregnancy with him leading up to the night we left for the hospital to have him. The rest is still waiting. He's 3.5, will be turning 4 this summer... Most importantly, I want to have the kind of patience a mother of a 3 year old should, but it eludes me. Even though I know why he acts the way he does sometimes, it makes me mental, especially since the "terrible twos" behavior kicked in at 18 months, and no one told me that terrible twos is a dumb name because it doesn't even compare to the threes, and sometimes I can't help losing my cool with him. I wish I didn't.

I love my husband dearly, and I think I'm a decent wife, but I know I could be so much better. I don't feel the need to elaborate particularly, but I there are things that I do and don't do that I could improve upon. Don't think gutter thoughts, either, because that's NOT what I am talking about!

I also think I am a very valuable employee at work, but again, I could be so much better! My reasonable efforts are well appreciated, but I know for a fact that I could still do more/better. Why settle for good enough?

Likewise with my wedding business. I had definitely planned on doing it, but then started it rather hastily when I was facing down the possibility of no employment when I needed it. I have done remarkably well considering the resources I have had and the time I have given it, but it could be soooooooooooooooooooo much more. I have a huge list of things to do for it that never gets anything checked off from it, other than attending to the needs of the clients I have now.

Lastly, myself. And herein lies part of the problem, putting myself last. What mother doesn't? But how many people in positions to advise on health, weight loss, etc. have you heard say, REPEATEDLY, that to excel in your role to others you have to put your own health and well being first. And it carries through down to every detail such as keeping yourself looking your best so you feel your best all the time, instead of leaving the house on a Saturday with sweatpants and a ball cap.

On one hand, it sounds like I want to be unrealistic super-mom, but I know that the majority of people I know are pulling it off with MORE than one kid in the mix, so surely I can make it work. With all that said, I sort of believe I can do it, but it's more than the schedule discipline. It's the whole focus and attitude of I KNOW can do it, I am worth it, and I will be better for everyone else as a result of it.

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