Slogging through the Long Walk/Jog

Today, I had planned to walk at least 4 miles, same as last week's long one.  I wasn't too concerned about time, 'cause I've been struggling with these sore ankles, and it's been cold.  I even thought I might jog a tiny clip or two.  We have a friend staying in town with us, and he's training for his first half Ironman, so I was feeling more energetic starting out with Ironboy as an example.

Long story short, though, on the initial mile my ankles were hurting even more than usual, and my one hip that periodically gives me trouble eventually chimed in, too.  So, feeling like I was dragging slower and slower, and like my feet were flapping around uselessly and in pain, I had a choice to make- keep going or call home for a ride.  Not wanting to be defeated, at the top of the highest hill, I decided I needed to use gravity to my advantage and jog it out down the substantial hill.  Good news is, it was quite motivating to feel like I jogged a long clip, and it also helped it not take me two hours to hobble back home.  Unfortunately, while jogging, instead of the ankles hurting, it was both hips and then a knee that chimed in.  Sigh.  Net result was 2.66 miles in 44 minutes.  Being an out of shape beginner is grueling, and it sucks, but it has to be pushed through to get to the better parts.

Tired of the Rollercoaster

Today has been a horrible example of all the things I want to get away from, stop doing, improve upon, and change about myself. I’ve been letting big picture of negativity build up some steam lately, fretting about every different thing from behavioral issues with my son to upcoming promotional opportunities and the stress that comes along with that, to some upcoming dentistry of which I am quite phobic. I’m also feeling some funk from the many days of cloudy, dank, near-darkness the weather has brought of late, as is a common issue for me this time of year. I’ve been about as undisciplined as one could possibly be regarding not getting enough sleep, not working out as much as I’d planned (not zero, at least, but not nearly enough), and I have been allowing myself to be destructive with food, too. Chocolate continues to be a serious problem.

This is a vicious cycle, and I am mired in fairly deep. It makes me feel physically and mentally terrible, and I know it puts me at risk for being prone to getting sick, too, which at this time of year with such a flu outbreak would particularly suck. I CAN find a way to improve these things, by chipping away at one thing at a time, bit by bit; until the cumulative effects start to build upon themselves; much like the negativity is doing in reverse now. It is entirely possible, I know this on a theoretical level, and I certainly have the knowledge of the how to do it. But inertia is a powerful foe. One I must wrestle with entirely too often. It takes extremely dedicated, continuous hard work to succeed, and it only takes about a split second of slacking to drop the ball. Ugh.

Dear Lance...

Lance. Lance, Lance, Lance. @lancearmstrong What is there to even say? At first, and until fairly recently, I have always believed in you, and even defended you. I believed your body structure/makeup/whatever was different as advertised, I believed you were actually able to do what you did without breaking the rules, and I certainly believed you were being falsely accused all that time based on how vehemently and consistently you protested over the years, and how you were never, ever actually caught for anything. I believed the claims that you were being harassed, unfairly targeted, etc. Then, recently, as more and more people piled on with their accusations, it became unreasonable to keep believing, but my feelings were still mixed, I still wanted to believe. But once I read a detailed article about the actual content of the testimony against you from all of these different, legitimate people, my heart sank. The idea of a mass conspiracy against you just wasn’t plausible anymore. So, upon hearing what you apparently have said to Oprah I’m not going to be shocked. No one is.

The fact that you cheated in a sport full of cheaters sucks and is wrong, but by no means did it need to be the end of the world. It’s not the only sport where many (most?) of the best cheat in some fashion or another, and if you were all cheating then at least it was something of a level playing field. In that sense you still proved yourself to be the best of the best under those unfortunate but marginally equivalent conditions. That I could totally get past, and I’m sure I’m not alone. Where I’m dismayed is much more so in the denial and the criticizing (on the verge of harassing) others who threw out the what-turned-out-to-be-true accusations against you, which were fully deserved. As a parent, don’t you tell your kids that lying about doing something wrong is way worse than merely doing something wrong? What kind of person is so harsh, threatening, and mean to someone whose own conscience couldn’t sit on such a wrong anymore? That is truly disheartening. No one is perfect, but it takes a different kind person to treat people that way in the name of defending glory/money/whatever.

My memories of you can be tarnished, but they still can’t be erased. I feel like I’ve bonded with you twice over the years. I’ve never had firsthand cancer experience, thankfully, but it had always seemed like this spectre of a death sentence for people that was always out there, lurking, a scary component of life to be feared. When I read your first book, “It’s Not About the Bike”, I felt like I got to know you as a person, and it was one of the most inspiring stories I have ever read, hands down. Cancer didn’t need to be a death sentence, no matter how bad it was when it was discovered. People had a fighting chance. But in fact, the inspiration you provided far transcended cancer, - and made it seem like in life anything could be possible to overcome/achieve. That’s powerful stuff.

My second bonding with you was in the summer of 2005. I was on bedrest with my son for several weeks while you were out there winning your 7th Tour de France. Day after day, I looked forward to having something so enthralling, so impressive, so exciting to watch that took my mind to a wonderful place for several hours a day as I lay there, waiting for a new life to change mine. I will always be grateful for that joyful diversion.

Despite not being able to forgive you as a person, the fact remains that you are still one of the most exciting athletes on the planet to watch. I think I would still like to see you compete in Ironman and other stuff. I think. I just can’t hold you up as a role model anymore, which sucks, ’cause you made a pretty good one once upon a time. And as much as I have supported and still respect the LiveSTRONG brand and its purpose, I’ll feel like a real idiot if I ever publically don my yellow bracelet, socks, logo hat, logo shirt, or any of the other gear I’ve accumulated over the years. I figure you owe me a couple hundred bucks for all that uselessness. Insert sad face emoticon here.

My Ankles Hurt.

I’m used to it, but I’m tired of it. It’s not such an issue as to need medical attention by any means, rather from past experience I know they typically hurt when I walk/jog at any effortful pace when I’m first starting out from completely out of shape status. It makes the initial efforts pretty miserable, but with persistence of workouts they gradually subside and toughen up. It’s just that during those first few weeks the motivation is always so fragile, and that just adds one more potential excuse to the well-used pile.

Today’s workout was a walk at lunch with my boss (my usual turbo-charged partner), and my work bff joined us too, who is apparently similarly jet-powered. Let’s just say they left me hobbling in the dirt, hahaha! But I am NOT complaining- considering the dark, dank cloud cover looming over the otherwise temperate day, I was glad just to have a reason to be forced outside to move, and both of their company is quite enjoyable. Plus it would be harder still to bail on two people than it is even to bail on one, which is a good thing. I logged in a hair under 2 miles in a paltry 31-and-a-half minutes. Sorry excuse for a workout, but I’ll take it. Oh, and we saw black squirrel running through the woods, he was adorable! We are plenty squirrel-riffic around here, but they’re typically just the run-of-the-mill gray ones, I hardly ever see ‘em in black. Once back at my desk I find myself pondering chocolate again, however, my ever nagging nemesis. Unfortunately, it takes a lot longer than just a week or two for the working out to actually trigger any overwhelming urges to eat less junk, but I’m plugging along, trying to get a snowball started here. I’m just glad it’s not actually snowing.

Nope, Didn't Happen.

I didn't workout today.  And that was entirely predictable, 'cause I didn't have a plan, I just figured I'd fit it in somehow.  Parts of the day I thought "maybe I'll do this", "oh, it's not good weather like it was supposed to be, I'll have to choose something indoors", and before you know it, blammo, day over and energy up.  Learn from this.

Long "Run" Saturday

Saturday morning I walked 4 miles.  Still at a very slow pace, but a teeny bit faster per mile than I have been managing of late.  And I did not end up feeling as sore as I have been either during or after.  This is progress!  It was gorgeous out, unseasonably warm, sunny, and crisp.  I even enjoyed some nature along the way of my suburban saunter, in the form of evergreen bushes with zillions of tiny but very pretty bright blue berries, a long line of maple trees that had little tiny palm-sized bird nests in almost every one, a cacophony of bird chirping coming from one particular tree that turned out to have about 10 in it rather than the 50 they sounded like, cattails bursting with fuzz that looked ready to take flight, shriveled up berries and leaf buds on the tree in my yard that is clearly confused by the movement between warm and cold weather lately, a couple of dogs being walked stopping to sniff each other hello, a minefield of goose poop near the pond where they frequently gather (although they were missing today), and a gorgeous black and white cat gazing out of someone's window, looking extremely photogenic but I didn't want to be arrested for being a peeping tom.  Not bad for winter- in other seasons it really gets wonderful, I just love our neighborhood.

Sunday I aim to fit in another workout of sorts, but that might be dicey.  The husband needs to get some work in, and I don't have a solid idea of what my day will look like.  We'll see.

Oh, and I'm TOYING with training for a half marathon in June.  I know, that probably sounds ludicrous, but I found a couch to half marathon training program that actually sounds plausible, both in terms of my starting fitness point and the progression of the training.  I'm not registering and ponying up the cash for the event just yet, but I am going to spend the next few weeks preparing to start the program, start it at the prescribed date, and if it seems to be going well and the race is not full I'll likely do it.  I've done a lot of races before, and they can be motivating, but I've also signed up for and bailed on some, and I don't want that to happen again.  I want to make sure I am really committed.

Less Terrible

“Less Terrible” is the almost non-existent diet plan I’ve been following lately. It’s pretty poor, but it’s been about all I can muster thus far, for whatever reason. Basically, I’m trying to eat less horribly than I was, giving in less often then I was, and not making the bad foods as easily accessible to myself. Sometimes I’m logging my food into Weight Watchers, and a couple of times I’ve eeked out a brief workout. Sounds spectacular, doesn’t it? Ha. I’m sure this won’t be the case for long, but I’ve actually made the teensiest bit of progress, believe it or not. Sure it’s probably just water lost by keeping up better with my daily medicines and no longer being on my period, but I’ll take it.

I’ve never been good at the “some” method, which everyone swears by in the long run. All or nothing has been my m.o., and nothing ALWAYS has won. I truly have no delusions that the less terrible plan will be effective for long, but eeking out a smidge of progress makes me want to try the slightest bit harder to eek out a teeny bit more. With any luck, I will build on tiny successes until they’re not as tiny. This is new to me, and mentally quite difficult. But this time, it’s all I’ve got.