Sunday, September 28, 2008

You have GOT to be kidding me!

Commence self-therapy...  

Despite having written a burst of well thought out motivational nuggets for myself in my previous post, my resolve to be healthy in what I eat and in getting exercise and taking care of myself lasted all of SIX HOURS!!  Are you kidding me?!?!?!  Sometimes I feel like I'm not even the one driving my life, but it's completely self-inflicted.  You know those stress dreams where you're sitting in the BACK seat, trying to reach the pedals and steering the wheel with the tips of your fingers, and it's not quite working?  I'm living it.  And yet, I should be getting to the point where things are getting EASIER- my kid is three now, and he's been sleeping well since he was 18 months old.  That's a big opportunity NOT to be walking around tired all the time.  It's also a perfectly good opportunity to get things done and have my life in relative order while he's sleeping.  Now, I'm not downplaying the challenge of the mom-factor (translation: high-energy required all day) combined with the part time job (moderately brain taxing and draining) and trying to manage the household.  Plus the not quite so perfect timing of starting a business this year, which can and should be a full time job to be done right.  I'm merely pointing out that I can't even seem to let it go at all that.  I want to do it ALL, and I am clearly not cut out for it!  But, tell me about something fun or interesting going on that I can do or be involved with, and you couldn't keep me away.  If there's a white spot on my calendar and it works ok for the kid, you'd better believe I don't want to miss it and will cram it in.  So, instead of choosing which parts of my life to prioritize and savor, I'm zooming around "getting through" each thing, and "relaxing" (i.e. totally wasting time and getting behind) when I'm not busy.  And staying up late both as a means of fitting things in, and as a means of escapism- you don't have to face the next day UNTIL you go to bed and then wake up, right?

Richard Carlson, the guy who wrote "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (And It's All Small Stuff)" also wrote a book called "Slowing Down to the Speed of Life."  That guy is a genius, by the way.  It is about living in and savoring the moments in your life right as you are in them, and slowing down your frenetic mental pace.  When I read it a few years ago it had a strong impact on me, that lasted for a while, and it also permanently erased the "road rage" rushing to get there mentality of driving permanently.  But in my daily life I seem to have gotten REEEEALLY far away from that in the last few years.  Today I had a blast in the morning picking apples with the boy and a friend, but was already thinking forward to the bridal meeting in the afternoon.  I just looked at my next week's calendar, and I already feel like there's a lot of stuff to "get through" again.  Several doctor/dentist appointments between myself and my son, a crucial job interview, a "tough budget times" status meeting at work that I have to get to on my day off, and another bridal client meeting.  It felt like a chocolate crutch week just looking at it!  And yet, tomorrow morning I have the whole morning (while most people are at work other than the very lucky full-time stay-at-home-moms I know) to enjoy life with my son, to watch him blossom in his gym class, to take the opportunity to walk there and back for a bit of fresh air and exercise, and to just be.  I can't afford to squander those chances since they are dwindling rapidly, assuming I do well in the interview.  Gotta change the mindset somehow.  If I could just reach those brakes a little better!

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