The Person I Want To Be

So, a few days ago (now over a week ago) I composed this entry in my head while running, and then I never went back and typed it in. It faded in my mind for a day or two, but I started thinking about it again a few days ago and again today and realized I really want to capture these thoughts. I had a long, deep "think" with myself about weight loss, happiness, and my life in general, and I had a little bit of an epiphany in the process. Basically, for me the weight loss is not a freestanding issue, but rather an intertwined symptom of not living my life quite the way I want to. It's not just about eating more or less and working out or not. The bigger picture is that I'm not doing everything I want to in the way I want to in my life. I am not maintaining enough of a balance between "keeping up" and relaxing, or between taking care of everyone else's needs, and taking care of my own. The interesting thing, though, is that despite that being the case, I feel absolutely, incredibly, exceptionally happy with my life. A lot. Between the love of my dear husband, the amazing ball of happiness that my sweet little boy brings to both of us, my wonderful family, friends I care about and enjoy spending time with, activities that I enjoy a great deal, and a reasonably comfortable lifestyle (even through the times of financial stress, which have started to die down a little now that I'm back to working full time,) I feel happy, lucky, and fulfilled the majority of the time. I used to be a glass half empty kind of person, but something deep down changed pretty dramatically after the birth of our sweet boy, and I truly seem to find the positive in almost everything now. It's weird. But despite feeling that way, I am still numbing myself, some emotion or feeling, with too much food, and allowing myself to alternate between scrambling to keep up/catch up with my life that has gotten out of control to holing up to relax and saying screw it to getting things done, perpetuating the need to scramble again.

I have repeatedly tried to organize my life into the "ideal" schedule in my head, only to have it partly written down and forgotten within the next couple of hours. I think the schedule to fit everything in that I want to is very important, but also changing my outlook and behavior is pivotal in making that happen. For example:

I love my son more dearly than I could have ever imagined, and I think I am a pretty great mother, but I want to be an even better one. I want to be able to put together a themed craft to do with him more often that just over the holidays, as I do now, but on a more regular basis, maybe every two weeks or more, to coincide with things he interested in, learning at school, plus the holidays and seasons, etc. I want to get him back to the library more often as I used to when at home with him, so we can continue reading new books to expand his mind since he has his (large collection) all memorized. And I want to document his life in a scrapbook- I have mountains of notes, zillions of picture files, and a seemingly endless supply of scrapbooking stuff, and I have done some amazing pages documenting my pregnancy with him leading up to the night we left for the hospital to have him. The rest is still waiting. He's 3.5, will be turning 4 this summer... Most importantly, I want to have the kind of patience a mother of a 3 year old should, but it eludes me. Even though I know why he acts the way he does sometimes, it makes me mental, especially since the "terrible twos" behavior kicked in at 18 months, and no one told me that terrible twos is a dumb name because it doesn't even compare to the threes, and sometimes I can't help losing my cool with him. I wish I didn't.

I love my husband dearly, and I think I'm a decent wife, but I know I could be so much better. I don't feel the need to elaborate particularly, but I there are things that I do and don't do that I could improve upon. Don't think gutter thoughts, either, because that's NOT what I am talking about!

I also think I am a very valuable employee at work, but again, I could be so much better! My reasonable efforts are well appreciated, but I know for a fact that I could still do more/better. Why settle for good enough?

Likewise with my wedding business. I had definitely planned on doing it, but then started it rather hastily when I was facing down the possibility of no employment when I needed it. I have done remarkably well considering the resources I have had and the time I have given it, but it could be soooooooooooooooooooo much more. I have a huge list of things to do for it that never gets anything checked off from it, other than attending to the needs of the clients I have now.

Lastly, myself. And herein lies part of the problem, putting myself last. What mother doesn't? But how many people in positions to advise on health, weight loss, etc. have you heard say, REPEATEDLY, that to excel in your role to others you have to put your own health and well being first. And it carries through down to every detail such as keeping yourself looking your best so you feel your best all the time, instead of leaving the house on a Saturday with sweatpants and a ball cap.

On one hand, it sounds like I want to be unrealistic super-mom, but I know that the majority of people I know are pulling it off with MORE than one kid in the mix, so surely I can make it work. With all that said, I sort of believe I can do it, but it's more than the schedule discipline. It's the whole focus and attitude of I KNOW can do it, I am worth it, and I will be better for everyone else as a result of it.

Lots of Randomness, Been too Long!

So, it's been a while since I've written here, and my primary "excuse" is that the best time I had for doing it previously was first the boy's naptime on stay-at-home days, followed by lunchtime at work upon returning full time. Well, now we are banned from blog sites at work (among lots of other things.) It is unfortunate that people who don't get their work done have to ruin it for the rest of us! That being said, I still need and want to continue, therefore I need to continue my quest to prioritize and organize my time such that I can make time to do it on a daily basis at home. 3 or 4 times a week would probably be enough, but it's much harder to start that kind of sporadic habit than a daily one, I think. Less opportunity to forget about it.

So, as I sit here listening to my son sleep on the couch while recovering from the double ear infection that was diagnosed today, I'm brimming with stuff I've wanted to write about. I started an entry a while ago and never finished, called "The Person I Want To Be", I'll probably finish and post it next after a general rambling brain dump in this one.

1) The other morning when I got in the car, my odometer read "111,111". I love crap like that. OCDish, I know, but when I was a kid it used to give me a thrill when the clock read 10:10, 11:11, or 12:12, too. What can I say?

2) I am very much inside my own head when I exercise, and I value that time immensely. (I recently realized just how much when I was planning to stop and stretch at a particular light post on a corner and then someone was standing there when I got to it. I felt like it was an invasion of MY personal space, hahaha. Outdoors on a walk or jog is the very best alone time, followed by being on equipment in the gym where you don't know anyone else and don't feel obligated to acknowledge them, followed by languishing in a hot bath. Not exercise, but equally effective for relaxing and organizing one's thoughts...

3) I have been doing really well with exercise considering where I was. I can really feel an improvement in my energy level from day-to-day, and the other day in my hockey game I was nowhere near as gassed as usual by the end of the game. Still a long shot from where I want to be, though. Likewise- I'm eating a lot better than I was and lost that first 5 pounds, but not really being good enough to the point of making a conscious effort to lose weight, as is my continuing desire.

4) I love reconnecting with people. After I got on Facebook last year, it was extremely gratifying to gradually find and be found by people who were previously a part of my life, including high school friends and acquaintances, college sorority sisters, and even obscure relatives who I'd not otherwise bothered to keep in touch with. This weekend, probably in part as a result of such reconnections, a large group of my sorority sisters that all live in the same area got together for dinner. It had been 15 years since I had seen most of them, and it was so amazing. It really felt wonderful to reconnect, and talk beyond just what people have listed on their profiles, although I was thankful for having had my memory refreshed with them over the last year so they weren't total strangers! All of the ladies looked incredible, too, most having had several kids and looking like they hadn't aged a day. Further inspiration.

5) This week kicks off the first of my Spring wedding events. I have 4 current clients, one who is a relative of a friend and 3 who hired me as total strangers, and these weddings occur over the next 6 weeks. Yikes! This weekend will be my first client ever that wasn't someone I already knew, so a real milestone for my business (and confidence.) Wish me luck! The good thing, is, she is very laid back and cool, so I don't feel on edge going into it.

I guess that's it for now. My next post is older than this one originally, but written over several revisits, and hopefully doesn't sound too melancholy, because in general I am feeling pretty upbeat lately. But it is full of fairly deep thoughts. This weekend was finally a good dose of Spring weather, I'm remembering it fondly and pretending it is not freezing cold and pouring rain today!

Staying Motivated for More Than 2 Hours at a Time is Crazy Hard Work!

And I'm still not entirely confident that I can figure out a way to sustain it. I need to believe I can do it. I FREQUENTLY have flashes of my killer results and I am also constantly thinking of my good reasons for having these goals and how AMAZING it will feel to be so dramatically much healthier and look that good, but then after a couple of hours of living, it's easy to get distracted by life and not always think that way every second. I want so much to move it to the next level and count my food points, so I can continue dropping the weight and increase the speed and success of it, but I've started and not finished counting the day about 4-5 times in the last week. None of the days were awful, I just petered out and ate "normally" instead of figuring it out. Despite having lost the first 5 pounds that way, it's not likely to go much further without dedicated action. Plus, I'm hoping to get into a more aggressive workout schedule, but I'm constantly allowing myself to be derailed. For 2 or 3 weeks I was sick, now that I'm not I fit it in yesterday on the weekend, but the weekdays seem sooo daunting and filled with zillions of other things I need to take care of, in addition to myself. Including other parts of taking care of myself like getting my allergy shot. Now that I'm writing this it sounds like an excuse, and I really don't have any that are worthy of merit. Sickness, gone, excuses, long since out the window.

I did fall prey last night to one definite contributor to the sensation of not feeling like I'm in enough control of my life or being able to "fit it all in", and that is staying up reeeeally late. The two time suckers that can cause this are computer time (particularly Facebook and email in general) and TV. Last night TV was the vice of choice. I can't imagine banning myself from TV entirely, but I have told myself before I need to cut back, and I need to try that again. My "goals" for the weekday evenings are to mostly enjoy the company of my little pumpkin and my sweetie and only deal with dinner and superficial stuff like tidying up while the boy is awake. This should include having him help tidy up the toys before we go upstairs. Then after we enjoy our family time and he's in bed it's supposed to be about 1 hour of "getting it done", be that working out some days, wedding business or scrapbook catch up the other days. SO ideal but this rarely happens. Unless I have a deadline and then I'm up 'til 1:30 printing and addressing invitations. And then I'd like to be ready and in bed by 10:30, to read a little and fall asleep either after a few minutes or no later than 11. This sounds so achievable when I see it in print! It does require starting his bedtime early enough, which works out fine when we do it, and not feeling like I hit the wall with tiredness after putting him down and sinking into the couch for the remainder of the evening. I need this, so much! If I could just do that, then it might become possible to workout in the mornings. Right now my mornings consist of waking up realizing I've hit snooze 6,000 times, scrambling to find stuff for me and the kid to wear (which could easily be set out the night before), scrambling to get ready with too little time, looking for all of the stuff I/we need for the day (also fixable the night before), wondering what I can do for lunch (AGAIN with the night before), and then usually being a few minutes late. I don't enjoy living like that, and it's simply not necessary. Being all prepared would make me feel so much more Zen, for lack of a better word, and I swear it would change a lot about my energy level and sensations of being overwhelmed a lot of the time.

I am out to convince myself that I can do it. One, I WILL write my points for one whole day and see what happens! Two, I will over the course of this week begin to implement my evening plans. Three, I will work out at least one time this week in addition to my pole class, it doesn't matter when. Weekend-only fitness isn't going to cut it. Go, me, you can do it!

Fantastic Run/Walk Workout

Finally, I am starting to feel better! The last two nights I didn't feel nearly as tired as I have been all week (although I napped most of the afternoon yesterday), and this morning I realized I have not been coughing as much this weekend as I had been the past 2-3 weeks, either. I must actually be on the mend! So, because I have not worked out all week as I had planned (other than my pole class), I was determined to do a good one today, and I wanted to enjoy being outside in the nice weather, too. (Actually, when I planned to go this afternoon after a busy morning I was hoping the nice cool mist would continue, but by the time I went it was hot sun, then became clouds and breeze, a couple of thunder rumbles chased me home, and not two minutes after I got in the front door the sky ripped open with giant raindrops. Then 10 minutes later the sun was back. What the hell with the weather?!)

Anyway, I power walked for 10 minutes to warm up (0.6 mile), then ran for 16 minutes (1.34 miles), then power walked for another 10 minutes up a moderately steep hill (0.6 mile), then ran for 11 more minutes (0.9 mile), then a cool down walk for 4 minutes back to the house. (I use www.mapmyrun.com to calculate the distances, I love it. You can even view the topography of your route.) Now I feel amazing! My lungs held up, my legs held up, and although it was exhausting I already feel the surge of endorphins kicking in. Ahhhhhhh. :) (Note to self, though- now that I've seen the distance, I know I could push it further to have slightly longer distances.) Some time in the next week I would like to go run on a track so I can really push my maximum, just to see where I am at. Very satisfied with my progress, though, especially since the commitment to it has been spotty at times!

The Fattest Girl in the Class

Your first reaction to that title might be geez, that girl needs to start off by getting a better self image! After all, a lot of what I read including from trainers on the Biggest Loser (like Jillian, who trains me in my head sometimes) says that it can't be that you have to lose weight to feel good about yourself, but rather, you need to feel good about yourself to facilitate losing weight. So, Wednesday night was the last night of Level 1 of my pole dancing class, and as part of that we did the routine we have learned for the teacher and other classmates, in two groups, to "graduate." I had fun and did a decent job, although I did better in practice. And there's one spin that my shoulders just do NOT support me for, but I was able to eek it out once to look half decent, so that was cool. What struck me in watching everyone else, however, is two things. One, I am, by far, the heaviest girl in this class. I had noticed it before, but it stood out more, for some reason, this time. In my intro class there were older and fatter women than me, but not in this class, and we are going to be staying together on the same night with the same teacher, who has an amazing physique, as we move on up through the levels, so that won't likely change, except as I may change it. Anyway, the second thing I have noticed, based on the group discussion on the first day, as well as how people dress, carry themselves, and comment about themselves, particularly when being put on the spot, is that I have more confidence in myself and a better body image than almost all of the other girls. They're all cute and slender and embarrassed about themselves, what is up with that?! The only other person who's got confidence besides the teacher is the really tall girl, she too carries herself well and is proud of her body. I wouldn't say I'm proud of my overweight body as it looks currently per se, but rather I am aware of its positive features, I am proud of the underlying figure that I am striving to uncover, because I KNOW it looks good in there somewhere, and I guess the most important factor is I am comfortable in my own skin. I am wearing cute small (style, not size) workout clothes, and letting myself really get into the dance without feeling self conscious, because my confidence in who I am and what I can do does not stem from what I look like. I'm confident enough to talk to the other girls, admit what I can and can't do, and because I'm comfortable standing in the front the other girls in my group were grateful to have someone to watch. I'm pretty proud of that.

The First 5 Pounds...

...have eeked themselves off! I weigh 195 pounds now. (This does not count the EXTRA 5 I gained and then lost since starting at 200 pounds.) And, weirdly enough, this small amount actually makes a difference in how my clothes fit. How'd I do it? Well, I've been exercising more, especially with my weekly pole dancing class, and occasionally running except as thwarted by my recent bout of illness. That pole dance class is no joke- and it's not like other forms of cardio aren't just as good a workout, but this makes me move muscles I never do otherwise, especially in the midsection. And although I've not been too regular at the gym I have been doing arm weights with dumbbells at home here and there. Food-wise I'm not being totally austere yet, but after cutting out the hoards of chocolate and eating less overall with making better food choices most of the time, it is gradually working for those early, often water weight, easiest pounds. It won't continue that way, but I'm grateful for the start. Now, before those of you who struggle with weight loss even more than me fly off the handle (especially my one dear friend who will want to kill me after she reads this) you must know that I have an advantage in the weight I need/want to lose. And that advantage is, I'm apple fat. As in, you know the body profile comparison where they say most women have their extra weight primarily in their butt, hips and thighs, and most men carry it in their middle (see any man with a beer gut that looks pregnant)? Well, I'm apple fat, like a man. And the advantage of apple fat is it burns off easier than pear fat. (The disadvantage is it'll kill you much more easily.) Also, the reason I wear size 16 (that is now too big, but I'm not comfortably into a 14 yet) is because of my middle, needing a wider waistband, only, the rest of pants that big are too much fabric and make me look goofy. It's been a problem.

Anyway, it's not implausible that I'd get away from weighing 200 simply by not doing the things that got me up to that weight. However, even when I wasn't quite as bad with my eating, I still weighed somewhere between 190-193 pounds, so I suspect that when I get to that number my body will see it as a setpoint and try to settle there, without a further push to fully count my food intake by WW points. For now, I'm relieved to have gotten the first 5 out of the way, and hopeful that this small success will push me forward to continue, instead of making me complacent and slipping back as has sometimes happened with prior success. Only between 9-11 more 5 pounds' to go! ;)

How Can Hormones be So Cruel? (And so Fickle?)

So, here I am, wanting so desperately to lose this weight so my happy life can be so much the more enjoyable with better health, better looks, more energy, better a lot of things, and yet... Sometimes, at this pre-period part of the month, I COULD CARE LESS. Like now, like the last few days. How can I want something so badly and not give a rip about it simultaneously? How is that even possible? Granted, I've been sick this week, too, which makes the urge to want to be sedentary and eat every comforting and yummy thing I can lay a hand on all the worse, but it really is unfair. And no, I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, per se, but I am feeling defeated at the moment. It's not even that I'm using the excuse that I feel it is out of my control, rather it's like my emotions truly change. Sure, I'm tired of feeling so sluggish all the time, knowing that essentially I'm lugging around 1.5 of my kid in my everyday activities, sure I am almost to the point of tears some mornings trying to put together a flattering outfit, when 80% of the clothes in my closet don't fit and most of the ones that do don't quite hide the not-as-subtle as they used to be muffin-top rolls around my middle, and sure, I have legitimate health issues to be concerned about that might be magically cured or at least dramatically improved if I changed my ways, but... Even in the face of all that positive benefit, having highly desirable concrete goals, and most of the time a seemingly strong interest in succeeding, hormones or whatever still make me feel for several days at a time that I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT care. That sucks, and it makes me mad. Mad enough to fight it and get over it? Unfortunately, I'm not sure yet.

Later update: I wrote this post in the morning. By 6:00 pm I felt totally different and like I was back in control of my true interest in fixing things. Dangit!