Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Pouting and Pessimism (an exercise in wallowing...)

Ok, so I generally try to post things on here in a positive light, because it makes me feel better when I'm done, and probably also makes for better reading. It has yet to be determined if I have regular readers, but assuming that I do makes the process of "telling someone" my thoughts and feelings a bit more real, and therefore more effective for MY purposes- cathartic revelation and therapy! And, of course, as the title lets on, it IS all about ME! A nod to my upbringing as an only child, although I sure didn't get the spoiling rotten treatment of one, regretfully at the time but thankfully later! :)

However, despite my generally positive outward persona, I've always been a glass half empty kind of person. No joke, it's true. I enjoy complaining and am quick to criticize, at least from a distance. Easily jealous, too, not in my relationships, because I am secure in my status there, but rather in what other people appear to have or achieve in their lives. Impossible, you say, if you've only known me since the birth of my three-year-old beacon of light and happiness. If so, you'd be partially correct, because becoming a mother was the single event in my life that has caused the most astounding change in the core of who I am as a person and what I care about. Definitely for the better, but it was still startling how sudden, dramatic, and permanent of a change it was. I have felt more emotionally raw and vulnerable, yet stronger, more empathetic, and certainly more caring about the situation(s) of others since then. I've also tossed my personal priorities up on their head, as I suspect most mothers do. It has even affected my view of the world such that I have gone from a lifetime Republican to a strong Democrat (the most recent administration didn't hinder that process any, but by no means was it entirely 43's fault.) My mom recently called me a bleeding heart liberal, and I laughed out loud at the bizarre sound of that, but it is completely true now!

Anyway, I'm feeling all bummed out, and I feel like whining about it. Here's your cue to tune out and exit if you'd prefer. The rest of you, stay and wallow in self-pity with me if you like! Certain audiences in my life do not react well to my whining or being down now and then, but I can say whatever I want here- and I hope to feel better by the end of my rant. Well, rants are more anger based, this is really just a pity-party...

I am tired of feeling like I am on an emotional roller coaster. My life is so filled with blessings, but also hideous pressure, stress, and difficulty. I'm tired of needing a job and money, and being utterly freaked out about both. I'm tired of being jealous of the people who don't have those worries, and who get to do what makes them truly happy every day. I'm tired of letting myself get so worn out by those underlying emotional stresses that I don't accomplish nearly as much as I could and want to in my daily and bigger picture life, thereby increasing my stress and feeding the negative cycle. I'm tired of being so unhappy with that situation that I CHOOSE to medicate myself with food and be fat and unhealthy. Yes, folks, a friend set me straight recently, and she is right, what I eat and how I take care of myself IS a choice. For the first couple of years of the boy's life, his care was a significant source of my stress at times, and I really did knowingly choose to remain fat and do nothing about it. Since then however, now that he's a million times easier, I THINK I want to put myself first, but I am apparently lying to myself. I don't necessarily FEEL in control of that choice sometimes, but technically I am. I wish I had the discipline to focus on care for myself without taking away from my all-important family. I wish I could get all aspects of my life under full control and just have to worry about maintaining it. I wish my sweet honey didn't have his own related and not set of stresses making HIM unhappy and unhealthy, because we seem to react to each other's negative energy in an unhealthy way, dragging us both a little further down. I'm tired of wondering why other people have what I don't- be it money, energy, drive, and I'm tired of being tired. I hate being so bad at saving and budging money. I hate having to take a ton of time and gas to get an allergy shot lest I break out in a miserable and persistent rash. I hate it getting so dark so early already, I hate the week before my period feeling like a miserable person, and I hate windy coldness. 'Zat enough?

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