Thursday, December 4, 2008

Why Do I Think So Much?

Sometimes I think I get too much inside my own head. Is it just because I have so much going on to be thinking about? (But don't most people?) I went through a phase kind of like this in early high school, and another in mid-late college, but not really since then until now... And further, why do I feel compelled to blog about it and offer to let people read my inner thoughts- I feel like it is therapeutic for me and I enjoy speaking as if to an audience, but is it really just narcissistic of me, or am I perhaps just an exhibitionist on some level?

This week carried through some of the BIG, HUGE changes in our lives that I've been anticipating. Adam is now potty training, and is exclusively in diapers except for sleeping. I returned to full time work status with the county this week, but had to move divisions in order to do so. It's newish work that won't be too tough to pick up, newish people but who I vaguely already know, and still on the same floor but down the hall in a different area, with a much better cubicle. Not too bad, right? Adam was totally cool with being in his school/class a lot longer, or so it seems. Only one potty accident in 2 days. If he could just get over his poo fear that keeps him from going often enough to be comfortable, we'd be golden. I have been exhausted from my return-to-work experience this week, yet tonight I am also keyed up with a head full of thoughts to the point of staying up reeeeally late. That will hurt a lot in the morning!

For whatever million previously discussed and other reasons, I've been having a pretty weird year in 2008. I would categorize my status as having been in some sort of mid-life identity crisis. Not necessarily in a bad way, but definitely in a weird way. At New Year's Eve last year, I pledged to "get it together" this year. I figured since the kid was getting older and easier and I was at peace with (which has gradually morphed into being grateful for) having just one kid (and bucking ALL social standards in doing so!), I was definitely to the point of being able to handle my life at a more fine-tuned level. Lose some weight, get in better shape, get more organized, etc.

Instead, however, it became a whirlwind of worrying about family economics and running out of money, starting a business, seeking employment security and eventually full time pay, doing more things than probably realistically fit into a mother's schedule, worrying for a time about my kid's development, etc. As a whole, the year turned out nothing whatsoever like I could have imagined. January I had my month of unpaid leave from the part time job, and recently when I got caught up in my papers filing it was clear that was the last time I had done so. The security of my part time job was in question in January, April, June, and then continuously starting in July after the budget panic hit. Since July I have been scrapping to get a job spot full time while being wanted by each and every one of our supervisors, but our whore of a division director stood firmly in the way, for no good or logical reason that anyone could find. I started a business in April, which I now have little time for, but wasn't bringing enough cash in to support itself anyway, so it can continue to simmer on the back burner for a while. I do have 2 clients and plan to continue on with it, but proceeding with baby steps only.

The one thing I keep coming back to in my head, but failing to do anything about, is the weight and personal health issue. I started this blog primarily to discuss my weight loss journey. Have you read much about weight loss? No. I have stepped into the street a couple of times, but then hopped right back up on the curb. I occasionally feel motivated, but the majority of the time I prefer to abuse food to squash down other emotions, or tiredness, or whatever. "Abuse" food, you ask? Yes, I truly meant it that way, particularly in my case with chocolate. That's not even food, really, it's supposed to only be a tasty occasional treat that I'm pumping into myself all day long some days. I suppose I could say "self-medicate" and it might not sound as bad, but the result is the same. I have been trying to be a cheerleader for others in the same want-to-lose-weight boat, but my own head has only had brief windows of letting me feel like I've wanted to put out the effort and sacrifice of putting myself first. What the hell? Who actually openly admits that without it being a huge revelation that opens the door for drastic improvement?

So, this journal started as a rah-rah "help me and learn from me as I take better care of myself," and has instead become an exercise in full-blown self-therapy. Why can't I seem to care quite enough about myself to follow through? It seems it would take Superwoman to fit it all in. But everybody else seems to do it, and I only have half as many kids as most, and was working half as much as some until this week. What a sorry excuse, you damn slacker!!!

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