Sunday, May 10, 2009

From Almost Despair to Some Peace, and a Better Outlook

Last weekend, it had already been raining for a week, but I was so busy both literally and mentally that I was fine with a lazy, inside kind of Sunday. By Tuesday, though, I truly thought I might lose mind and was feeling the despair of the weather that seemed to reflect the feelings within me. Most days it would seem to be clear enough all day to plan a post-work afternoon to tak a walk with the boy, but alas, it would spit in my face by raining just before leaving work, and continuing on and off for the evening. One such evening later in the week I sucked it up and ran anyway (sans boy, who won't tolerate the plastic rain covers for the stroller,) and felt better for it. All in all, I got in most of my planned exercise for the week, and also accomplished the bare minimum I needed to for work, the wedding biz, and the home life, but was still feeling kind of hollow and overwhelmed, and was eating accordingly. I got to the point Friday where, cookie in hand, I thought I really need to quit talking about these weight loss goals both publicly and among friends, because it is REALLY annoying to hear someone pine for something they're not even trying for. I even pondered pulling the plug on this blog because of the seeming ridiculousness of it all!

Enter the sun, Bob Harper, and Mother's Day, not necessarily in that order.

By way of background, I have a gazillion diet books, exercise books, self-help "understand the ways you (and other people) think" type of books, and yet here I sit, unfit, unfixed, and unable to control my impulses to eat destructively. I watch, love, and am always inspired by The Biggest Loser. After watching the penultimate episode of this season on Tuesday, I was left feeling awed of all the finalists have achieved, and yet also disgusted that I let another season of weekly inspiration go by without taking advantage of applying it to myself. (Recall earlier post when it kicked off...) Sometimes when trying to push myself for a good workout, I hear Jillian Michaels' voice in my head, daring me not to go as far or further than I had set my mind. I've always thought she was an amazing (albeit forceful) motivator, and I have several of her books. Yet, those, too, have not kicked me into gear, nor any of the Biggest Loser books. Anyway, in this episode, both trainers (Bob and Jillian) each take turns visiting the home of a father-son pair of finalists, who are also trying to help the younger brother who did not have the benefit of being on the show. First Jillian visited, and worked the kid out herself, talked to him, etc. What struck me, though, was the contrast in his reaction when Bob came to visit him, the tone of the workout (which was no less challenging, and in fact pushed him to the point of throwing up), and the talks they had. He reacted so much differently, and was so motivated by, Bob.

So, the other day I go to the bookstore to pick up Jillian's newest book, which deals with metabolism, and I see Bob Harper's book. I realize I don't have a metabolism problem, I have an I eat too much and don't take good care of myself problem, why would I possibly need yet another of her books that haven't done it for me? So I bought his instead.

Friday night I read the first section on fixing your head, and see what else his program entails, and I am surprised and a teeny bit hopeful that this may actually help me. Saturday was hectic, but Sunday morning I wake up, our mother's day schedule changes and I end up with time to take the boy on a walk jog for myself and him, and come back feeling great. So great that I have energy all day and feel compelled to enjoy nothing but healthy food, even at the restaurant.

I'm almost afraid to write it down because I feel like a RIDICULOUS broken record, but this might make a big difference in heading me down the right road. I enjoyed a day filled with family, fresh air, accomplishment in kicking off the patio garden for the season, ate nothing but wholesome food without craving anything else, and it felt wonderful.

1 comment:

Kate F said...


Kate Provines here again. I check up on your blog from time to time because it's kind of fascinating for me to see someone else go through the process of trying to lose weight and to see how you're doing as well. I liked your post about the reunion coming up, which drags up some issues for me because I'm really never going to go back to Australia for any type of reunion, so I don't really feel any connection to anything from my past and I am literally left feeling like my life began when I met Ian. Anyway, I think I'm getting far afield from the point of my post.

I was surprised to hear you weren't really happy with your body back in high school, because pardon me for saying so, but you were slamming hot, and please don't ever believe otherwise. I think that tall girls always want to be petite and short girls always want to be tall, but tall girls don't realize that all short girls get to be is cute, but tall girls can be sultry, you grow out of cute by 35, but you can sultry until the day you die. So embrace your tall, sultry self.

Secondarily in order, not importance, I have hated myself for such a long time because I'm so far from perfect that I all can see is my faults, it's a terrible way to live, please don't fall in the trap of hating yourself for what you aren't, but love yourself for what you are. I realize I can't really attest to the person you've become, but I do know that the person I knew was generous, kind, smart, funny, talented, patient, forgiving, and most importantly beautiful from the inside out. I could go on forever backing up each description with an example, but I won't.

My best.